Fred's 2013 joke thread

[fred]

A bloke goes into a sex shop and asks for a rubber doll.

The shop keeper says 'we have two types, a white one and a Muslim one'

The bloke says 'What's the difference?'

The shop keeper replies 'the Muslim one blows itself up.

[Terpe]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse enters the room to provide him with a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", mumbles the man, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

A little taken by surprise and slightly embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles again to plead, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may cause blood pressure and heart rate issue due to his worries about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She pulls his gown up to his chest, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a closer inspection and finally replies, "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir!"

The man removes his oxygen mask, smiles broadly at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was simply wonderful, but, please listen very, very closely......




.
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[grahamw48]

[Michael Parnham]

Brilliant as usual Fred!

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

A college boy decided to tell his mother he was gay.

So on his next visit home, he went to the kitchen where his mother was and nervously explained to her that he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"

"Yes."

"Does that mean you suck penises?"

"....Yes"

"Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"

[raynaputi]

[grahamw48]

I love the superman one Fred, but can you put a link to it please, so I can put it on my facebook ?

[fred]

I love the superman one Fred, but can you put a link to it please, so I can put it on my facebook ?

http://www.pictureshack.us/images/22...vLFKeRRsJP.gif

[goldyhorn1]

An irishman finds a lamp and thinks it could be a genies lamp and gives it a rub.Out comes a genie and says "thankyou master I have been stuck in here for thousands of years because you let me out I'll grant you three wishes anything you like"
So the irishman says "I'll have an everlasting pint of guinness" There we are master says the genie you have two wishes left what else would you like?"The irishman drinks a couple of pints and says "I'll have two more of those"

[grahamw48]

Thanks Fred !

[SimonH]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,


"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[SimonH]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..

[fred]

Not sure if this link works but pls try.. Its a video and its funny. (but not if the silly .... died)


https://fbcdn-video-a.akamaihd.net/hvideo-ak-prn1/v/760406_524643477573338_938903344_n.mp4?oh=86541a722f1dee552787ed933a55bd36&oe=51A4B6E2&__gda__=1369748547_4b2c4a3884fad4c00c2bb7f33932106a

[raynaputi]

Not sure if this link works but pls try.. Its a video and its funny. (but not if the silly .... died)


https://fbcdn-video-a.akamaihd.net/hvideo-ak-prn1/v/760406_524643477573338_938903344_n.mp4?oh=86541a722f1dee552787ed933a55bd36&oe=51A4B6E2&__gda__=1369748547_4b2c4a3884fad4c00c2bb7f33932106a

Hahahahaha...that was funny..

Terpe, I'm using Chrome for browser..maybe you can use it to watch the video.

[Terpe]

It didn't work for me

[fred]

It didn't work for me

Damn!! It was a video I saw posted on Facebook.. I have no idea how to share it with you all??

Very very funny!!

Edit.. Hang on...Ive got an idea!

[jake]

Worked for me. Must be a Philippine thing!
The truck at the end should have finish the idiot off What there is more!


Must have been the baby mice wine!

[fred]

Worked for me. Must be a Philippine thing!
The truck at the end should have finish the idiot off What there is more!


Must have been the baby mice wine!

I wonder what he fell into?
There was like a big brown splash..
Doesn't bare thinking about really.

[Terpe]

I wonder what he fell into?
There was like a big brown splash..
Doesn't bare thinking about really.

The photobucket upload worked
Pity I knew what would happen, still funny though.
He must've been drunk surely

[fred]

http://smg.photobucket.com/user/fred...3e733.mp4.html

I uploaded it to Photo bucket.. Not sure if it will play though..
I tried!

[imagine]

http://smg.photobucket.com/user/fred...3e733.mp4.html

I uploaded it to Photo bucket.. Not sure if it will play though..
I tried!

oh poo

[les_taxi]

[IMG][/IMG]

[grahamw48]

For teenagers...

Knock Knock !!

Who's there?

Colleen!

Colleen who?

Colleen up your room... its a mess !

[Terpe]

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

[grahamw48]

[Terpe]

After being shipwrecked on a desert island two guys and a girl are the only surivivors.
Since there's really nothing much to do all day besides eating and sleeping they end up just having sex.
Eventually the girls gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they just keep on having sex. After a few days of sex, they both feel a huge sense of guilt about what they've been doing .........
so they bury her.

[imagine]

[Michael Parnham]

Brill