Fred's 2013 joke thread

[fred]

[emcel]

hahaha nice one that was posted on my friends aswell on fb

[fred]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

[fred]

An angry man goes to his Doctor's surgery and asks to see the Doctor.
When he see's him he knocks him to the floor.
The Doctor gets up angry and confused and asks the man "What the hell did you do that for!".
The man replies"you told my wife she has a cute vagina."


"I did not tell her that,"says the Doctor. I said she has Acute angina!"

[raynaputi]

[fred]

Last week I bought my grandson a chameleon from the pet shop. I'm not sure it will live very long though.
It always seems to be a bit off-colour to me.

[fred]

My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the .... and received death threats.
F@#k knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

[fred]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy said.

[fred]

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay

I put an offer in on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now it seems I'm only 15 minutes away from owning Aston Villa.....

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says, "I feel terrible."

The Doctor says,
"You need to pee and poo in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days".

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says,
"I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick"

[Anakin]

Police are looking for a northern Transvestite.
Sources say he had a wigan address.

[Michael Parnham]

[fred]

A muslim bloke was bragging that he had the whole Koran on DVD.

Interested, I asked him to burn me a copy,
well That's when it all kicked off.

[fred]

[fred]

A Welsh farmer was shagging his prize ewe when the sheepdog came over and started licking his .....
Although it helped him to come quicker he couldn't help thinking - dogs are dirty .......s.

[fred]

A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying, a
passerby asks "whats up?" The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast and again at lunch, once before tea and twice again at night!"
Passerby says "whats the problem?"

The old man replies "I can't remember where I live!"

[fred]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Enda Kenny, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Ireland and I am the smartest man in Ireland's history, so Irish people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you, Ireland's smartest man took my schoolbag."

[fred]

[fred]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in

[fred]

I often chat-up women who've had a mastectomy.

They say I'm only after one thing.

[fred]

A Policeman patrol-man pulled me over...


'Would you please blow into this bag Sir'

I said: 'What for Officer?'

He says: 'My chips are too hot'

[fred]

Paddy walks past a new pub and sees a sign outside saying:

Pies 50p
Wanks 10p

... So he decides to go in and investigate. He gets up to the bar and there stands a stunning blonde. Paddy asks "Do you give the wanks?"
"Yeah I do," she replies in a seductive voice.
"Well wash your hands, I want a pie

[fred]

My budgie managed to escape from his cage and shag the dog........i have got some puppies going cheep if anyone is interested?

[fred]

I had lunch with Garry Kasparov yesterday and there was a check tablecloth......
it took him two bloody hours to pass the salt!

[fred]

[Michael Parnham]

I enjoy your jokes Fred, you know I've heard thousands in my lifetime and have always thought what an amazing gift you people have making the rest of the world smile, keep it up Fred, job well done

[grahamw48]

More good ones. Thanks Fred.