Results 121 to 150 of 295
Thread: Fred's 2013 joke thread
-
23rd April 2013 #121
A bloke goes into a sex shop and asks for a rubber doll.
The shop keeper says 'we have two types, a white one and a Muslim one'
The bloke says 'What's the difference?'
The shop keeper replies 'the Muslim one blows itself up.
-
23rd April 2013 #122
Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What"s it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi................." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman..
"Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui....."
Then the Scotsman tries..
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th........"
"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady, and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are now ready to order.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi......" stutters the Englishman "Three pints of gui gui gui gui...." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts.. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ......"
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a chat. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I"ll let you make love to me".
Quite confident that nobody will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch, Manch..." "No, you lose" says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?" trying not to laugh.
"E E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb....." "Sorry, you lose" says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra - exposing a fantastic pair of jugs. Finally she slides off her panties and then climbs into bed. Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory and then, right at the climaxing stoke, he suddenly screams out....
"............... D D D D D D D Derry!"
-
23rd April 2013 #123
-
23rd April 2013 #124
Paddy goes for a job on a building site
The Foreman asks "Paddy, can you make tea ?" to which Paddy replies "yes sir"
The Foreman then asks "can you drive a forklift truck ?" and Paddy says "bejeysus, how big's ye teapot ?" !
-
16th May 2013 #125
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- Marikina City
- Posts
- 26,785
- Rep Power
- 150
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse enters the room to provide him with a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", mumbles the man, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
A little taken by surprise and slightly embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."
He struggles again to plead, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may cause blood pressure and heart rate issue due to his worries about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She pulls his gown up to his chest, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a closer inspection and finally replies, "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir!"
The man removes his oxygen mask, smiles broadly at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was simply wonderful, but, please listen very, very closely......
.
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
-
16th May 2013 #126
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
- Location
- Pangasinan
- Posts
- 25,597
- Rep Power
- 150
-
17th May 2013 #127
Brilliant as usual Fred!
-
24th May 2013 #128
-
24th May 2013 #129
A college boy decided to tell his mother he was gay.
So on his next visit home, he went to the kitchen where his mother was and nervously explained to her that he was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Yes."
"Does that mean you suck penises?"
"....Yes"
"Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"
-
24th May 2013 #130
-
24th May 2013 #131-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
-
24th May 2013 #132
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
- Location
- Pangasinan
- Posts
- 25,597
- Rep Power
- 150
I love the superman one Fred, but can you put a link to it please, so I can put it on my facebook ?
-
24th May 2013 #133
An irishman finds a lamp and thinks it could be a genies lamp and gives it a rub.Out comes a genie and says "thankyou master I have been stuck in here for thousands of years because you let me out I'll grant you three wishes anything you like"
So the irishman says "I'll have an everlasting pint of guinness" There we are master says the genie you have two wishes left what else would you like?"The irishman drinks a couple of pints and says "I'll have two more of those"
-
26th May 2013 #134
-
26th May 2013 #135
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
- Location
- Pangasinan
- Posts
- 25,597
- Rep Power
- 150
Thanks Fred !
-
27th May 2013 #136
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
-
27th May 2013 #137
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
-
28th May 2013 #138
Not sure if this link works but pls try.. Its a video and its funny. (but not if the silly .... died)
https://fbcdn-video-a.akamaihd.net/hvideo-ak-prn1/v/760406_524643477573338_938903344_n.mp4?oh=86541a722f1dee552787ed933a55bd36&oe=51A4B6E2&__gda__=1369748547_4b2c4a3884fad4c00c2bb7f33932106a
-
28th May 2013 #139
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- Marikina City
- Posts
- 26,785
- Rep Power
- 150
It didn't work for me
-
28th May 2013 #140
-
28th May 2013 #141
Worked for me. Must be a Philippine thing!
The truck at the end should have finish the idiot off What there is more!
Must have been the baby mice wine!
-
28th May 2013 #142
http://smg.photobucket.com/user/fred...3e733.mp4.html
I uploaded it to Photo bucket.. Not sure if it will play though..
I tried!
-
28th May 2013 #143
-
28th May 2013 #144
-
28th May 2013 #145
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- Marikina City
- Posts
- 26,785
- Rep Power
- 150
-
28th May 2013 #146
-
7th June 2013 #147
-
7th June 2013 #148
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
- Location
- Pangasinan
- Posts
- 25,597
- Rep Power
- 150
For teenagers...
Knock Knock !!
Who's there?
Colleen!
Colleen who?
Colleen up your room... its a mess !
-
18th June 2013 #149
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- Marikina City
- Posts
- 26,785
- Rep Power
- 150
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
-
18th June 2013 #150
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
- Location
- Pangasinan
- Posts
- 25,597
- Rep Power
- 150
Thread Information
Users Browsing this Thread
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Similar Threads
-
Fred's 2014 joke thread.
By fred in forum HumourReplies: 216Last Post: 19th December 2014, 00:23 -
Fred`s P.I construction thread.
By fred in forum Living in the PhilippinesReplies: 146Last Post: 6th December 2013, 22:32 -
Fred`s 2011 joke thread!!
By fred in forum HumourReplies: 143Last Post: 25th August 2011, 07:43 -
The 2010 Joke thread
By fred in forum HumourReplies: 237Last Post: 30th December 2010, 22:18