Fred's 2013 joke thread

[raynaputi]

[fred]

This one really made me smile Fred, thank's for that!

The cat one made me laugh the most!!

Anyway..Thats the lot for this year..I`m off on the new years eve Alona jolly!!
See you next year!!
Happy new year everyone..Hope you enjoyed!

[grahamw48]

I just can't stop laughing at this one...brilliant.


Thanks, and Happy New Year to you and yours Fred.

[fred]

Cheers Graham..
And to yours!!!
Ges whyat??
Im rart assed!\
Happy new year!!
Fred!

[Terpe]

Great thread
Kept me laughing all year through
A sincere Happy New Year to you and yours Fred

Hope I'll be OK when the wife gets home

[fred]

A Yorkshire man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshire man', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"


... So they walked past it again...

[fred]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “bugger it, soldier on”

[fred]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “.... it, soldier on”

[fred]

An Australian was in luck and was able to buy two crates of VB beer at the local supermarket.

He placed the boxes on the front seat of his car and headed back home. He stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in the passenger window revealing her ample cleavage, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in bartering, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

He thought for a few seconds and then asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

[fred]

[fred]

[les_taxi]

Brill

[fred]

I put my phone on airplane mode earlier,
can't find it anywhere now.

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

"If you'd had a
tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I
said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing
Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why
would he have a tin of shoe polish?

[Michael Parnham]

A Yorkshire man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshire man', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"


... So they walked past it again...

[fred]

Marty buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
Marty doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the
sheep are pregnant. The vet tells Marty that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant. Marty hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, Marty loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.
Next morning, Marty wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, Marty wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
"Try again." Marty tells himself do it again, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, Marty cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks Ree's his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.





"No,"she said , "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."

[fred]

South African toilet door lock

[fred]

a man asks which aisle are the irish sausages in,
the assistant says, are you irish?
feeling a bit offended he says yes i am,
but lets say if an italian asked you where the italian suasages were
or if a mexican asked where the taco's were,
then would you ask them their nationality too,
probably not replied the assistant,
and why is that replied the irishman,?

assistant:
because you are in halfords

[fred]

[fred]

As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis . . .

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley.

[fred]

One for our Graham..

Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

Police have just released details of a new drug craze
that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started
injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

[fred]

WTF???? Im posting in last years thread!!
Too much red wine...Sorry!!
Thread closed!!