Ungrateful so called family in Philippines!!

[Tish]

This is not help at all in my books.....

You are allowing yourself to be totally exploited.
And thus denying yourself to your right to happiness.

I understand the moral obbligations towards the family in the moment of need, but it is very clear that you have taken the burden over your shoulders to keep them ad infinitum...
It is no wonder that they will not look for any work to help out, as everything is supplied to them on a silver platter.
Wake up and start thinking about your own life and future....
You are not a slave.

Well said Dom!!

My family here in the UK are my first priority and family in Philippines will just have to come second and they know it!!

I still can't help sending them some money though But only enough to stop them from hunger

[KeithD]

You are not a slave.

Hope my missus doesn't read that bit

[aromulus]

Hope my missus doesn't read that bit

Too late.......... You have been rumbled.........

[David House]

I wholly agree with the sentiment of not helping too much early on. It definately builds up expectations. The problem is that many Filipinos have little sense of tomorrow, nor much business sense. Anyone newly into a relationship and contemplating how to "help" will do well to heed all this advice. I have made many mistakes and was far to generous to begin with, motivated by good intentions that ultimately did them no favours. I bought "the family" two houses, two jeeps, a workshop and a sari sari store. Well actually I loaned my wife the money to do it, the deal being that she would pay it back from her earnings over the years, but that I would finance it now rather than make them wait as her parents are getting old. The idea was to set them up, and then make them self sufficient by giving them all enough work. Then we could relax, live our lives and visit without pressure. Fat chance! Every time there is a problem, big or small, it arrives at our door. The businesses have all failed. the jeeps are on standby and only used as "service" for the family because they did not save to renew the licences, the workshop has closed because one of the brothers sold all the equipment and so has the store because they ate all the stock. No planning at all, no saving for tomorrow. Whenever anything is needed we get a text. It seems we have supported not only the direct family but the whole extended family, whose numbers must run into hundreds. Add to them the local church who sponge of them whenever they can and the parents mentality of sharing "blessings" and it becomes easier to see why it has happened. My wife is now married to a rich white guy and it is her duty just to give whenever they ask. We have held many family meetings when I have explained what I have done, why and what I expect from them. They all say OK and when we have gone nothing changes. We have tried not sending money, but they just build up debts with us as their only way to clear them. We are making some slow progress now and in the future, when we live partly in Cebu ( we chose Cebu over Bohol where the family live deliberately to be close enough to visit but not right on top) my wife will take over the management of each business and control what is done. It is a constant fight because they lack a manager and are always having petty disputes. With hindsight I may have been better providing several nippa huts, rather than the two houses we bought (one brand new and costing several million) and putting the balance on deposit in the Philippines, probably in one of the high yielding rural bank deposit schemes. Then they could be given the interest each month to live on. I have heard similar stories to mine often enough to know this is not an uncommon problem so pleased be warned.

[Tish]

I wholly agree with the sentiment of not helping too much early on. It definately builds up expectations. The problem is that many Filipinos have little sense of tomorrow, nor much business sense. Anyone newly into a relationship and contemplating how to "help" will do well to heed all this advice. I have made many mistakes and was far to generous to begin with, motivated by good intentions that ultimately did them no favours. I bought "the family" two houses, two jeeps, a workshop and a sari sari store. Well actually I loaned my wife the money to do it, the deal being that she would pay it back from her earnings over the years, but that I would finance it now rather than make them wait as her parents are getting old. The idea was to set them up, and then make them self sufficient by giving them all enough work. Then we could relax, live our lives and visit without pressure. Fat chance! Every time there is a problem, big or small, it arrives at our door. The businesses have all failed. the jeeps are on standby and only used as "service" for the family because they did not save to renew the licences, the workshop has closed because one of the brothers sold all the equipment and so has the store because they ate all the stock. No planning at all, no saving for tomorrow. Whenever anything is needed we get a text. It seems we have supported not only the direct family but the whole extended family, whose numbers must run into hundreds. Add to them the local church who sponge of them whenever they can and the parents mentality of sharing "blessings" and it becomes easier to see why it has happened. My wife is now married to a rich white guy and it is her duty just to give whenever they ask. We have held many family meetings when I have explained what I have done, why and what I expect from them. They all say OK and when we have gone nothing changes. We have tried not sending money, but they just build up debts with us as their only way to clear them. We are making some slow progress now and in the future, when we live partly in Cebu ( we chose Cebu over Bohol where the family live deliberately to be close enough to visit but not right on top) my wife will take over the management of each business and control what is done. It is a constant fight because they lack a manager and are always having petty disputes. With hindsight I may have been better providing several nippa huts, rather than the two houses we bought (one brand new and costing several million) and putting the balance on deposit in the Philippines, probably in one of the high yielding rural bank deposit schemes. Then they could be given the interest each month to live on. I have heard similar stories to mine often enough to know this is not an uncommon problem so pleased be warned.

This story is very similar to mine David, but I haven't gone as far as your spending And I think I've got a good business mind; It's a shame that my family doesn't or they would have been a lot better off now!

[aromulus]

Jet family must be going against the grain somewhere.....

After the wedding, I bought the father a new 15HP engine for the fishing pumboat, as the old one had been re-bored several times and was dangerous to use.
He didn't ask for it, I just did it because i felt I wanted to help in some way.

A few months ago, they changed the fishing regulations around Cebu, so there was no chance for them to travel and fish outside their immediate area, which is Talisay....
Apart from the very poor fishing, he had one of his 2 boats, confiscated for straying over one of the invisible borders....
So before something nasty happened to the other one, he asked for my permission to sell the engine.
I told him that it was not my engine, as his name was on the bill of sale, and that it belonged to him....

Yesterday Jet informed me, that with the 20k, he received for the engine, he has had a well dug in the back garden,and got loads of fresh water, thus making everybody around there and his Mrs quie jealous, so they don't need to buy those big bottles anymore.
Also they finally have running water in the toilet/shower house that Jet has had built before she arrived here....
And as a bonus he will build a couple of washing tanks, and charge the neighbours for washing their clothes there....
Very neat trick, I thought....

Canna grumble.....

[maria_and_matt]

I can't believe how ungrateful my family are in Cebu!! You do what you can for them, and still not enough! Now I feel like divorcing them all (wishful thinking!!)

Just letting off steam folks

technically i have divorced my family back home, they were all about money, they cant text or send us bday cards but they texts if the money we sent ran out! we send them £450 a month but they couldnt survive on that and need more :o! after 16 years of sending money back home i thought it is about time i put my family here first, life has certainly improved for us with £450 a month extra to spend the joy of shopping has been rediscovered!

[KeithD]

Always best to just send random payments, that way no one gets in a habit.

[David House]

Just an update on my story. Since writing my last piece there has been another "crisis" which involved a niece requiring hospital treatment. After resisiting for as long as possible my wife gave way to the moral blackmail and sent the money. Later we found that her sister had used a private room in a private hospital, rather than go to the much cheaper public one. Why? Because we would pay! When they "needed" the money we got texts from everyone, several every day. Since it was sent not one. No thank you of any sort. I do my best to try to understand but sometimes it is hard.

[Geraldine]

If my family were like that...the more Im not going to help them.

[rob36london]

Everyone seems to be bitching on about their poorer families, as if it is a peculiar problem to the phillipines and it's emigrants who have left. It isn't. I saw exactly the same sort of thing happen when my parents left Italy, in the 60s and did well in the UK.

I think it is in the nature of humanity that when a member of any extended family leaves a country amidst poverty to do better to a far away place that those left behind will expecting support in some ways. Regardless of the fact that the richer country they go to, might leave them economically not that much better off in reality. Peoples perceptions are easily skewed. Also factually, the average filipino is a lot poorer than the average westerner.

How you deal with it, is your own prerogative, though I find it a bit unsettling that the general tone of the posts is that filipino's are feckless, disorganised, lazy, useless etc. I m sure you can say the same about individuals in any country but I think it is a bit much to label the whole country as such.

I m with the random acts of kindess poster though, tough as it might be, certain regular payments will always be taken as a given and worked into peoples budgets whoever they are.

If I knew for example I was getting £10000 a month in perpetuity, I know the way I worked would change to compensate for the fact, (i.e. less). It's just natural human behaviour, it doesnt matter who is giving and who is receiving really.

[David House]

I am NOt suggesting it is only in the Philippines. It is however the only place I have any direct experience with so the only place I can comment upon. Nor do I suggest that everyone is the same, in fact I know many who are far from feckless and lazy. I admire those who struggle against their adversity and ask for nothing. Nor do I feel it is their fault. It is a cultural thing and an unhealthy one at that. I have tried to change the attitude within my wife's family because I truly believe that giving them the chance to be self sufficient is a better option. I have failed totally. Of course we want to help, we both understand their situation very well, but we would like them to want to help themselves too, but so often all they want is to deal with today's problem and leave tomorrow to fate. Or, more usually, to us. If someone gave me £10,000 a month in perpetuity I hope I would not change anything I do. I hope I would try to use the money wisely to ensure a better future for those I love.

[keithAngel]

I am NOt suggesting it is only in the Philippines. It is however the only place I have any direct experience with so the only place I can comment upon. Nor do I suggest that everyone is the same, in fact I know many who are far from feckless and lazy. I admire those who struggle against their adversity and ask for nothing. Nor do I feel it is their fault. It is a cultural thing and an unhealthy one at that. I have tried to change the attitude within my wife's family because I truly believe that giving them the chance to be self sufficient is a better option. I have failed totally. Of course we want to help, we both understand their situation very well, but we would like them to want to help themselves too, but so often all they want is to deal with today's problem and leave tomorrow to fate. Or, more usually, to us. If someone gave me £10,000 a month in perpetuity I hope I would not change anything I do. I hope I would try to use the money wisely to ensure a better future for those I love.

Hear Hear David you wouldn't find me retiring to some beach-side property Golf in the mornings , liquid lunches , tiffen and evening poolside BBQs how boring would that be.

[KeithD]

Hear Hear David you wouldn't find me retiring to some beach-side property Golf in the mornings , liquid lunches , tiffen and evening poolside BBQs how boring would that be.

Very actually if you do it every day!!

[David House]

Do I detect the heavy smell of sarcasm? As I am planning to retire quite soon to a beach side property, play a little golf and enjoy some barbecues I find this comment pretty amusing! However, in my defence I would say I have earned the right to do this. No-one has given me a damed thing.

Hear Hear David you wouldn't find me retiring to some beach-side property Golf in the mornings , liquid lunches , tiffen and evening poolside BBQs how boring would that be.

[joebloggs]

Do I detect the heavy smell of sarcasm? As I am planning to retire quite soon to a beach side property, play a little golf and enjoy some barbecues I find this comment pretty amusing! However, in my defence I would say I have earned the right to do this. No-one has given me a damed thing.

Hear Hear David you wouldn't find me retiring to some beach-side property Golf in the mornings , liquid lunches , tiffen and evening poolside BBQs how boring would that be.

i think there are a few planning to do the same , soon as i've got enough money, i'll leave this country

[Piamed]

Unfortunately, I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go! for another 20 years!

[half.k]

I can't believe how ungrateful my family are in Cebu!! You do what you can for them, and still not enough! Now I feel like divorcing them all (wishful thinking!!)

Just letting off steam folks

over the years, i've seen my busting her ass off to provide everything to her huge family back home, it makes me mad that most of them got lazy, didnt work anymore, my mum paid degrees to my cousins and they just seat around all day, after graduating waiting for their pocket money...
in the other hand, all that money could've made my life a lot easier to me, who is her only daughter and live in the same country as her, while in Uni...

TRUTH IS: THEY WILL NEVER APPRECIATE IT WASNT THEM WHO EARNED THE MONEY AND WERE NEVER HERE TO SEE HOW IT FEELS LIKE!!

dont get me wrong, i love them very much, and i do agree with my mum helping them to a certain extend... but they just get lazy and take it for granted!

[half.k]

opss => "I've seen my MUM bursting ...."

[nomorericepleas]

My family are so good at making me feel guilty too, but now I really have enough of them!!

I had all the same from my fiancees family, well from my ex fiancee also as i've said elsewhere.

we bought a house from my fiancees uncle cos they had so much debt they were due to be arrested the following week and thrown in jail. I had never even seen the house but decided to buy it to help them out. It had been on sale for a long time but they were asking 300k, way too much for the area and condition of the house. we ended up agreeing on 250k. from then on, they forgot we saved them from jail buying their rubbish tip of a house. they continually asked for more afterwards.

My fiancee is at war permanently with that family cos she refused to give them any more of my money. they did get 9k out of us by hiding the fact they had a right of way on the lot, so we had to buy them out. They still want more. They are not happy they avoided jail and now have money to begin a new store of their own again.

her other uncle complained when i bought them 2 fishing nets cos he needed a new one. I didnt know at the time, my fiancee was too embarrassed to tell me what he said. She also bought his family rice and washing soap behind my back, and when she delivered it, he said " is that all we get" daw. He also claimed i must be "pobre". She told him that i didnt even know she was giving them that, and they should be grateful.

She is now at war with that family also. She has fallen out with so many people over money. It really is a crab mentality there. They all think because i am white, they can all get a piece. Well SHE is my fiancee, not them or their daughters, so they don't deserve anything from me. It might be philippine way, but it's not mine. They should earn money and earn my respect also. They won't be getting EITHER in future.

best to lose an ungrateful family, than lose a love. Your family are just showing that they are family in name only. They don't feel close to you, they only have interest in you helping them, and sorry to say, thats often because they are too idle to try to help themselves. Stand by your man and forget them.

[gazlou]

[QUOTE=Tish;71694]I can't believe how ungrateful my family are in Cebu!! You do what you can for them, and still not enough!

I have the same problem as well and whatever I say, they don't really care.