Fred`s Joke thread 2015

[Michael Parnham]

You really make me smile Fred, love it!

[fred]

You really make me smile Fred, love it!

That's why we keep this thread alive every year Michael!

[fred]

A kid goes up to his dad and says, "what does a vagina look like?"

His father says, "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rose, with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume."

The kid says, "what about after sex?"

His father says, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[SimonH]

A kid goes up to his dad and says, "what does a vagina look like?"

His father says, "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rose, with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume."

The kid says, "what about after sex?"

His father says, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Thank you for painting that picture

[fred]

I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the f*cking morning! What are you doing on a train?"

"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

I've started to wear a balaclava when I go to bed.


That way, if there's ever a break in, the burglars will think I'm part of the team.

[fred]

Sometimes I wake up with a boner and I wish there was someone with me to satisfy it...

The rest of the time I just stick it in my wife.

[fred]

A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday he natters on for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to drag him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

He explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up

[fred]

"Breaking News"
The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

[fred]

Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.


"Dragging a frozen labrador's a f*cking nightmare."

[fred]

I woke up this morning covered in raffle tickets,
I think I've contracted tombola....