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Thread: Fred`s Joke thread 2015
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27th February 2015 #1
Fred`s Joke thread 2015
Oops..Late again!
I text my wife to say I'd be home late as I was meeting the lads for a few beers after work.
Within seconds she was calling me back, "Dave! You know it's Parents Evening!"
"I thought you could go instead." I replied. "You did last year."
"And look at the trouble it caused," she insisted. "The Head said he'd sack you if you ever tried that again!"
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27th February 2015 #2
The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.
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27th February 2015 #3
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27th February 2015 #4
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
- Location
- Berkshire
- Posts
- 18,267
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- 0
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27th February 2015 #5
Piracy is killing the music industry.
You try playing the guitar with a hook.
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27th February 2015 #6
"Well, nan," I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?"
"Will you **** off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace," she shouted.
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27th February 2015 #7
I put salt and sugar in my obese wife`s bathwater the other day.
That cured her.
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27th February 2015 #8
I watched a film where a man poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book.
It's baste on a true story.
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27th February 2015 #9
People call me Mr Compromise.
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.
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27th February 2015 #10
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27th February 2015 #11
I've just come back from the doctors. She said you've got to stop playing with yourself. I said why?
She said because I'm trying to examine you.
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27th February 2015 #12
A man has taken his cat and dog to his local pub for an audition for the Saturday night spot entertaining the regulars.
The pub owner is mightily impressed as the cat plays the piano and the dog sings perfectly in tune.
"It's really good but I know it has to be a trick as there is no way a dog can sing like that" says the pub owner.
"Yes I have to admit it's true" replies the man.
"The cat's a ventriloquist."
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27th February 2015 #13
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- Marikina City
- Posts
- 26,785
- Rep Power
- 150
Good bunch of ticklers there
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27th February 2015 #14
We went into the local indian restuarant and when eating our meal the waiter came over and said curry ok? To which i said go on then mate one song then sling your hook.
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27th February 2015 #15
how to rest your chicken before serving.
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27th February 2015 #16
My Grandad has got Parkinson's...
He can't stop interviewing people.
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27th February 2015 #17
Asian pile driver.
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27th February 2015 #18
The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together.
In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said.
"You're thor!" she said, "Lithen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"
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27th February 2015 #19
My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.
He doesn't talk about it, though.
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27th February 2015 #20
> > EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 > >
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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27th February 2015 #21
I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.
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27th February 2015 #22
"To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.''
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27th February 2015 #23
You really make me smile Fred, love it!
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27th February 2015 #24
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23rd March 2015 #25
I thought I'd spent all night disco dancing with this girl in a club.
But apparently it was because she was deaf and telling me to 'f*ck off' all night.
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23rd March 2015 #26
A kid goes up to his dad and says, "what does a vagina look like?"
His father says, "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rose, with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume."
The kid says, "what about after sex?"
His father says, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
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23rd March 2015 #27
I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
"What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the f*cking morning! What are you doing on a train?"
"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."
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23rd March 2015 #28
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23rd March 2015 #29
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23rd March 2015 #30
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