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Thread: Fred`s Joke thread 2015
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15th April 2015 #61
A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant.
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."
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15th April 2015 #62
I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
I said, "No but I did get a budgie excited once."
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15th April 2015 #63
I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down. They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called "puff, paedo!, ......s! ....monkey, .... ...., nob jockey, piss flaps, ......! ....!"
Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.
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15th April 2015 #64
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15th April 2015 #65
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15th April 2015 #66
Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months.
I better wash my socks.
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13th May 2015 #67
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
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13th May 2015 #68
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13th May 2015 #69
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14th May 2015 #70
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14th May 2015 #71
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15th May 2015 #72
If you cant find the book that you are looking for,you are obviously in the.....
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15th May 2015 #73
New candidate puts himself forward for leader of UKIP
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15th May 2015 #74
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15th May 2015 #75
A man was sunbathing in the buff at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself"
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15th May 2015 #76
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "
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15th May 2015 #77
Orville the Duck said he has been left feeling empty inside after the death of Keith Harris.
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15th May 2015 #78
I went fishing while on my holidays and I used liquorice as bait
I caught all sorts...
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15th May 2015 #79
Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
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15th May 2015 #80
Wife : "I had a dream. They were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too. They were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction
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15th May 2015 #81
Gynaecologist to patient: "My word Mrs. Smith, you do have a big vagina vagina"
Mrs. Smith: "You needn't say it twice"
Gynaecologist: "I didn't!"
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15th May 2015 #82
I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!"
I think he's dabbling in the Yakult...
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15th May 2015 #83
Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near
Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has
been notified..
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,
a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.
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15th May 2015 #84
They say that 'sorry' is the hardest word, unless you are Japanese, in which case, its 'squirrel'.
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15th May 2015 #85
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15th May 2015 #86
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15th May 2015 #87
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15th May 2015 #88
My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me".
I said " it's a scarf."
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15th May 2015 #89
When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.???????????????????????????????/
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15th May 2015 #90
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
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