''Why do so many men report bad Filipina dating/marrying experiences?''

[HACHE]

This is interesting reading, especially as I now have had 2.5yrs in a relationship with a Pinay.
Its been a pretty difficult time, often difficult times over trivia things.
Sometimes, I have found myself describing my experiences as similar to "dating an immature teenage girl", no offence meant to the filipinas.
As a reasonably confident and secure chap, with a very stable life, perhaps what I haven't always realised or understood that things are so different for her. Unsure about her future, unsure if I will ever commit. These two things, combined with a very emotional nature, have been at the centre of many things being blown out of all proportion.
But understanding has to be both ways. She says I don't understand her ( her stress, how it affects her etc)...perhaps, but I also remind her that its her misunderstanding me that plays an equal part in the problems. I once stopped texting for an afternoon once, just simply getting on with my life, and she became overcome with sense of abandonment and thought I had forgotten all about her. My mistake? I normally texted a lot with her, then suddenly that afternoon I didn't. She jumped to all silly conclusion and in her mind she was totally justified.
Many many silly times like that, made me cautious and fear that the future would be difficult.
Now, she's been asking for me to make a commitment, decide about future, for eight months ( well from early days infact). I totally understand after this time with her.
I havent yet got rid of all my reservations, although I have grown more confident in recent weeks that I could commit, but not quite there.
I think my problem, is if I wana get married, I want to make that decision, when not under pressure. And unfortunately with her situation here, that pressure is always there.

[stevewool]

the most important thing is being happy with yourself first, after 2.5 years with the same person you will have some idea what you are wanting,

[HACHE]

She had enough of waiting today, and left.
I just couldnt quite do it, I'm not 100%. Not yet.
I know some will say that I should know after this time. But a year ago, there were times I found it very hard to believe we could be happy together. I certainly feel a lot more confident that we could be happy and okay, not quite there yet.....after no contact with her perhaps things will be clearer in my mind.

[gWaPito]

Things won't change. .what it is in 2.5 years is what it will be in 25 years. She's left then fine. ..don't be bullied into submission. You'll be making a rod for your own back. You mark my words.

They are not all immature Jealous or childish although my last one was

The wedding band didn't change a thing, not even the tattoos. The insecurities persist. It was going from one drama to the next ..like living in an a Eastenders set

Consider it you've had a lucky escape

Trust your gut instinct.

[HACHE]

Things won't change. .what it is in 2.5 years is what it will be in 25 years. She's left then fine. ..don't be bullied into submission. You'll be making a rod for your own back. You mark my words.

They are not all immature Jealous or childish although my last one was

The wedding band didn't change a thing, not even the tattoos. The insecurities persist. It was going from one drama to the next ..like living in an a Eastenders set

Consider it you've had a lucky escape

Trust your gut instinct.

I've said the very same things to her. I also said that if I married her out of pity, to "help her"", I know she'd be initially so relieved, being able to work and earn the money she needs......BUT in a matter of months that elated feeling would be replaced with feelings of insecurity worrying if I had regrets marrying her...and we'd be back to square one....

[Jentobeharrison]

We have culture too Jen. There's nothing wrong in sending money back home as so long as it's not detrimental to your immediate family.

A lot of us guys have been married before to British.

Things like money are treated much differently. The average UK wage is apparently 23k per year. Still not much to provide a good standard of living so what normally happens is that the wages of both husband and wife are pooled. ..thus enabling to buy nice cars houses and holidays, generally enabling one's self up the social ladder.

I know from a previous life being with my first wife of 27 years, if she wasn't prepared to get stuck in as well we'd probably still be in the 2 up 2 down council house, taking a one and only annual holiday in a caravan in Bournemouth. We'd probably still be married as well

Luckily she was a worker for the team, her immediate family. We did very well. It takes 2 to tango. ..in this case it takes 2 to make a comfortable life in the UK if you're on low incomes

This was not my problem wd my filipina wife as my current earnings are over double the UK average, it was something quite different.

I'm just pointing out we have a culture too. Adaption is required from both sides.

Folks rant on here about the Muslims and our new brothers, the Eastern Europeans conforming to our way of life. ..what's the difference.

Oh well of course yeah, you have culture as well but it doesn't mean that you can take her away from her family once you get married, remember I am not saying that she doesn't want to move in to UK but if you will look at the bigger picture, you are almost taking away half of her life and she is up to sacrifice it for you (of course she also wants to have a better life and opportunity) it is not you guys who always do sacrificing (unless, you're spoiling your lazy woman so much),
. If you are thinking about the financial, I guess it is already given that you have to do it for her because even if she works 24/7 she can never earn the same amount of income that you are earning, you are 70 times richer than your woman, to make it worse,what if your woman here only earns lower than the minimum wage? and she still has to help her family? It won't be really enough for her, you guys have the wider abilities to do such stuff, and bottom line, if visa doesn't exist there will be no such a study like that. I know you can get what I am pointing out, I am thinking that you are just basing the judgement to your woman because of her financial capability. If you gonna moan about it and use it as attack against filipinas, then the fault is really with you at the very first place. In my case, as much as I want to help my fiance to sort finances, I cannot (but just in small stuff, yeah). And to make it always better, if you are a member of an online dating site, you should have put on your profile that you are not up to give perfumes and lotions to your woman's whole clan. That article is clearly an attack against us, author did not even consider the effect of every thing to us (relationship with a foreigner, visas, adjusting in UK etc.) I would say, those things really affect us, physically, emotionally, psychologically and even financially.

And still about the article, that is a very selfish and self-centered write-up from a person who cannot accept his faults, probably a man who fell in love and got fooled by a filipina.

[Rosie1958]

Hache ................... Gwapito is right, trust your gut instinct. From what you say, you'd be marrying for the wrong reasons which is a receipe for disaster. Sounds like it's time to be brave and move on as continuing your relationship feeling the way you do is unfair to you both............

[rani]

She had enough of waiting today, and left.
I just couldnt quite do it, I'm not 100%. Not yet.
I know some will say that I should know after this time. But a year ago, there were times I found it very hard to believe we could be happy together. I certainly feel a lot more confident that we could be happy and okay, not quite there yet.....after no contact with her perhaps things will be clearer in my mind.

Hi Hache! I think you should ask for a space to think and decide what step are you going to take next.

The relationship doesnt look good but who am i to judge. To be fair with your pinay gf, waiting for 2.5 years is like waiting for forever especially in LDR. Cultural differences is a big factor thats why both of you should try to learn and understand each other.

Try to seriously discuss this to her again and see if it will get better. If not, and you still have some doubts, then both of you has to make a decision.

[HACHE]

Hache ................... Gwapito is right, trust your gut instinct. From what you say, you'd be marrying for the wrong reasons which is a receipe for disaster. Sounds like it's time to be brave and move on as continuing your relationship feeling the way you do is unfair to you both............

Thank you Rosie. Yeah I'm not willing to do it for any reason other than believing its the best decision for myself......trouble with me if there's any sign of coercion I always take a step back....

[HACHE]

Hi Hache! I think you should ask for a space to think and decide what step are you going to take next.

The relationship doesnt look good but who am i to judge. To be fair with your pinay gf, waiting for 2.5 years is like waiting for forever especially in LDR. Cultural differences is a big factor thats why both of you should try to learn and understand each other.

Try to seriously discuss this to her again and see if it will get better. If not, and you still have some doubts, then both of you has to make a decision.

Thanks for your input Rani.
Yeah about the 2.5 years, she's got 3 or 4 friends who have all met and married guys in a lot shorter time frame. This is something that really dwells in her mind.

[gWaPito]

Oh well of course yeah, you have culture as well but it doesn't mean that you can take her away from her family once you get married, remember I am not saying that she doesn't want to move in to UK but if you will look at the bigger picture, you are almost taking away half of her life and she is up to sacrifice it for you (of course she also wants to have a better life and opportunity) it is not you guys who always do sacrificing (unless, you're spoiling your lazy woman so much),
. If you are thinking about the financial, I guess it is already given that you have to do it for her because even if she works 24/7 she can never earn the same amount of income that you are earning, you are 70 times richer than your woman, to make it worse,what if your woman here only earns lower than the minimum wage? and she still has to help her family? It won't be really enough for her, you guys have the wider abilities to do such stuff, and bottom line, if visa doesn't exist there will be no such a study like that. I know you can get what I am pointing out, I am thinking that you are just basing the judgement to your woman because of her financial capability. If you gonna moan about it and use it as attack against filipinas, then the fault is really with you at the very first place. In my case, as much as I want to help my fiance to sort finances, I cannot (but just in small stuff, yeah). And to make it always better, if you are a member of an online dating site, you should have put on your profile that you are not up to give perfumes and lotions to your woman's whole clan. That article is clearly an attack against us, author did not even consider the effect of every thing to us (relationship with a foreigner, visas, adjusting in UK etc.) I would say, those things really affect us, physically, emotionally, psychologically and even financially.

And still about the article, that is a very selfish and self-centered write-up from a person who cannot accept his faults, probably a man who fell in love and got fooled by a filipina.

It's not about percentages Jen. ..like I said. .pooling the money together. I remember my first wife saving her money for the annual holiday to Cyprus. ..or helping out when the car went unexpectedly wrong.
It's not a competition to see who earns the most, you are playing for the same team, same cause.
The fact is, Jen you look after your husband first before folks in the Philippines. You will sacrifice by coming over here. .don't you think your husband would of made substantial sacrifices too all for you and your future children? Works both ways. You can't give what you ain't got.
So what if the author has an axe to grind. .I'm afraid there is truth in what he says. .The claimed magnitude is, I grant you, debatable. There's not data!

Apologies. .I'm still at work.

BTW. ..'author can't accept his faults' have seen something I haven't? ?

[gWaPito]

I've said the very same things to her. I also said that if I married her out of pity, to "help her"", I know she'd be initially so relieved, being able to work and earn the money she needs......BUT in a matter of months that elated feeling would be replaced with feelings of insecurity worrying if I had regrets marrying her...and we'd be back to square one....

I must watch my words here..im becoming Mr Unpopular but, you know what's to be don't. Heed Rosie's advice.

[gWaPito]

I am thinking that you are just basing the judgement to your woman because of her financial capability. If you gonna moan about it and use it as attack against filipinas, then the fault is really with you at the very first place. In my case, as much as I want to help my fiance to sort finances, I cannot (but just in small stuff, yeah). And to make it always better, if you are a member of an online dating site, you should have put on your profile that you are not up to give perfumes and lotions to your woman's whole clan.

And still about the article, that is a very selfish and self-centered write-up from a person who cannot accept his faults, probably a man who fell in love and got fooled by a filipina.

My first wife was a simple, hard working cleaner who could save . Not much in the way of gainful financial capabilities there me thinks

Why on earth would I want to give perfumes and whatnot to the woman's whole clan Or have I missed something? Perhaps it's expected, along with lifetime financial support Strange how the rest of the world finds that concept deeply offensive

Probably the author (Australian litigation Lawyer who spent 6 years sorting out Filipino Visa applications. Scroll down from the story in the link..some interesting reading) did get rolled over after all. You answered your own question, Jen

[gWaPito]

Thanks for the rep Rosie
I'm very well, thanks ..I hope you're in the same form

[Jentobeharrison]

I probably missed a lot of things in that article but my answers were from my point of view as a filipina who suffered from those negative ideas toward filipinas.

And also you should have been sleeping this time. lol. too late in your time?

[stevewool]

Thanks for your input Rani.
Yeah about the 2.5 years, she's got 3 or 4 friends who have all met and married guys in a lot shorter time frame. This is something that really dwells in her mind.

i was talking to my wife for 3 years before we meet face to face, and then i could not say i love you, until i knew it was right and felt right too, why say something you are unsure of and are only going to fool the girl and also fool yourself,

[nigelmac]

Hi all, I am new on this forum but I have been an expatriate living in French Guyana Chad and France over the last 20 years and working in many other countries, I in fact only ever go back to London my home town for Christmas and such events, so just to add my tuppence to this interesting thread being scammed, screwed, heartbroken etc be it deliberately or not is honestly not a Filipino patented thing it happens as much in England as anywhere else, In my experience in any country if you flash your money around and put yourself on a higher pedestal then you can expect to be the attention of less than honorable intentioned individuals be it from women or everyday people that you may come across.

It's not because you are financially able to retire or move to a tropical paradise such as the Philippines and live the dream that you should leave all common sense fly out the door and again if you have your brain in your pants and use your wallet as muscle it is a guaranteed recipe for disaster no matter what country you live in.

[gWaPito]

I probably missed a lot of things in that article but my answers were from my point of view as a filipina who suffered from those negative ideas toward filipinas.

And also you should have been sleeping this time. lol. too late in your time?

Your replies kept me awake! Hahaha You got me going, girl haha At least we can laugh about it. I must admit, after reading much further into his questions and answers, his views are quite strong which I don't personally hold with. ...my boys are half filipino! ....He seems to be a hater which im certainly not. Anyway 4 hours sleep. .cheers! Must go to work

[grahamw48]

i was talking to my wife for 3 years before we meet face to face, and then i could not say i love you, until i knew it was right and felt right too, why say something you are unsure of and are only going to fool the girl and also fool yourself,

What a sensible and genuine bloke you are Steve.

[HACHE]

i was talking to my wife for 3 years before we meet face to face, and then i could not say i love you, until i knew it was right and felt right too, why say something you are unsure of and are only going to fool the girl and also fool yourself,

Absolutely.

I said if and when I commit, it simply has got to feel right, and that in my mind I am sure I am making the best decision. If I knew deep down that there was no chance and didnt really see a future with her, then of course I would be guilty of stringing her along and wasting both our times. But more often in recent times I had become a lot more confident that a future could be good.....just not quite there though...

[Michael Parnham]

Very interesting thread, by the way, have any members married a Filipina who never sends money on a monthly basis to her family?

[grahamw48]

I did.

Also, my girlfriend (over 2 years now) has never asked me for money.

[stevewool]

Very interesting thread, by the way, have any members married a Filipina who never sends money on a monthly basis to her family?

i have Michael
But i know Ems would send all she can every month if it was down to her

[Michael Parnham]

I did.

Also, my girlfriend (over 2 years now) has never asked me for money.

The reason for asking Graham is that reading this forum for the past few years and meeting other Filipina's through my ex wife, I notice that some wives who work send a substantial amount of money to the Philippines every month, yet my ex never did and also Maritess doesn't we (my ex and Maritess) just send a box of goodies a couple of times a year, the earnings were paid into our joint account towards our standard of living, eg: savings, holidays, nice home etc!

[grahamw48]

Like Brits Michael, Filipinas are many and varied.

People always like to stereotype though. It's easy.

[raynaputi]

Very interesting thread, by the way, have any members married a Filipina who never sends money on a monthly basis to her family?

I don't send money monthly to my family. Not because I don't want to but at the moment, we can't afford to. My family understands that. But we send them gifts when it's their birthday or other special occasions. My family's a bit lucky though because my mum and all my siblings are working and they all have the means to get by every day. My family has never asked us, particularly Keith, of any money. Of course there are times that my siblings do it jokingly but never in a serious manner. So if ever I send them money, it's always because I want to and not because they asked me to.

[marksroomspain]

My wife sends £100 a month to her parents to cover rent so that's just a small amount.

Her parents have a little shop at the front of the house which they manage to scrape some sort of living out off but the little bit the wife sends helps.

It's very rare that they ask for anything else only once in the 14 months she has been here and that was for less than £200 for medical expenses for her mother.

Now she is working I don't mind as long as she knows family here has to be priority which works well on both sides.

She is happy and so am I, so that's good all round.

[stevewool]

She is happy and so am I, so that's good all round.

these are the magic words that will make your life wonderful

[gWaPito]

My wife sends £100 a month to her parents to cover rent so thats just a small amount.

Her parents have a little shop at the front of the house which they manage to scrape some sort of living out off but the little bit the wife sends helps.

Its very rare that they ask for anything else only once in the 14 months she has been here and that was for less than £200 for medical expenses for her mother.

Now she is working I dont mind as long as she knows family here has to be priority which works well on both sides.

She is happy and so am I so thats good all round.

Nothing wrong with that Mark. I wish I cld echo the same arrangement..Unfortunately I can't. You've been lucky. To be fair, most folks here are in fresh relationships..only the test of time will tell.

[jlags90]

Very interesting thread, by the way, have any members married a Filipina who never sends money on a monthly basis to her family?

I do not regularly send money to the Philippines. It is not because my family is financially well off but because I am on part-time employment and I do not want to ask money from my husband. We never know what lies ahead in the future and I do not want to hear any how he helped my family and how many barrels of lotions and perfumes he has given them.