A few Paddy jokes for you...

[SimonH]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"



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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.

I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.



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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night...

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".



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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"



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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair..

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!



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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Clonakilty beach was asked to identify her.



A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"



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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.



"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"



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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"



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Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.



On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.



So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.



Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.



'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"



Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,



"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ......

[fred]

Not bad!!

See..At least I dont ignore your joke thread!!

[cheekee]

Paddy was at the job centre.

He says to the woman at the desk, "I have been calling 0800 1700 for days and no one has picked up".

She replies, "Sir, they are our opening hours".........

[Michael Parnham]

Brilliant Simon!

[cheekee]

Paddy was on a flight when the captain came on the tannoy.

"I'm sorry to say that an engine has failed so we will be an hour late".

A little later on the captain came back on the tannoy.

"Another engine has failed so we will be two hours late".

Again, the captain came back on the tannoy.

"Another engine has failed so we will be four hours late".

Paddy turns to the passenger next to him and says.

"I hope the last engine doesn't fail otherwise we will be up here all night".....

[nigelmac]

Paddy and Murphy approached their car after a few pints of guiness at closing time,
Paddy shouts out "jaysus i have got a flat tyre"
Murphy replies " .... is it completely flat?"
Paddy replies "no just the bottom half !!!"

[Dedworth]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think ? £5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?