Fred's 2014 joke thread.

[fred]

Just picked up my takeaway from the the local Indian.

When I collected it, he poured the curry straight into a carrier bag, tied a knot in it and said ,"There you go"

"What's that" I said

"Did you not know" he replied, "We can't put Indians in containers anymore"

[fred]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm f*cking not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f*cking drunk."

[fred]

I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

[fred]

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson. My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros and now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:
Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, David Cameron, John Prescott,

Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband.
(In no particular order)
Amen

[fred]

If it wasn't for the war we'd all be speaking German, I pondered as I loaded my Lidl shopping bags into my Audi.

[fred]

A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong.
I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here:-

Kids, never share your hash with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.

[fred]

I saw Jonathan Ross in a department store last week.
He was acting suspiciously, looking at the kitchen utensils so I walked up to him and said, "You'll probably get caught if you steal anything."
He replied, "Well, that's the whisk I'm willing to take."

[Terpe]

All tickled me loads

Laughter always the best medicine

[fred]

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the ******* jar open!"

[fred]

Sixty-Three Pakistanis have been reported killed or seriously injured in Bradford this morning after a bunk bed collapsed.
Police believe it was not a terrorist attack, but the work of Al-Ikea

[fred]

[fred]

BC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines

Seems a bit sexist to me.

[fred]

[fred]

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts: "Ey up Cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow ....., an it could kill thee".

The bloke says: "Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer, and slower please"

The farmer replies: "If.... You.... Use.... Two.... Hands.... You....Won't... Spill....any"

[fred]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…!

That's when I thought “ wait a F@@ing minute!…”

[fred]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and
forth...back and forth...in and out....in and out

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and
trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,softly
at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out
an almighty scream and shouted..........

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the car!

You do it, you SMUG .......!"

[fred]

My daughter had some friends over for a sleepover at the weekend.

I heard one of the girls say to her your dads a dirty old man and a disgusting pervert.



Well!!...

I nearly fell out of the wardrobe.

[ajisgod2012]

I went to see the film Interstellar last night.

It's nothing to do with a man that likes lager!

[fred]

[fred]

I've managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel.

It's pretty straight forward really.

[fred]

[fred]

Isis are using insect suicide bombers now, Jihadi longlegs

[fred]

Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that the water keeps running out.

The manager asks, "did you buy a plug?"

Paddy says, "you swine! You never said it was electric!"

[fred]

[fred]

"I'm having a few drinks to remember my mate who died yesterday," I told the barman. "He wanted to reduce his carbon footprint, so he decided he was going to cycle to work."

"What happened?" He asked. "Did he get knocked off his bike?"

"No. He drowned." I explained. "He worked on an offshore oil rig."

[fred]

My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch today.

I said, "Chin up, love."

She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."

I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."

[fred]

My mate has just started works at a dentist's. He says that everything is new and strange but he reckons in a few days he'll know what the drill is.

[fred]

Finally got my knee fixed as you can see in the x-ray

[fred]

[fred]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."