Fred's 2014 joke thread.

[ajisgod2012]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs!

[fred]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs!

[cheekee]

I called the local Chinese to order a takeaway.

A man answered

"Hi. I'm Wang king the cook"

"it's ok" I said "I'll call back later"

[cheekee]

FOR SALE - Complete set of Encyclopaedias, 45 volumes. Excellent condition! £100 O.N.O. No longer needed, got married... Wife knows everything.

[cheekee]

Paddy lost his ear on a building site. His friend Murphy shouts out, "is this it?" Paddy looked and said "NO, mine had a pencil behind it!"

[Michael Parnham]

Paddy lost his ear on a building site. His friend Murphy shouts out, "is this it?" Paddy looked and said "NO, mine had a pencil behind it!"

Nice one's Cheekee!

[fred]

Paddy lost his ear on a building site. His friend Murphy shouts out, "is this it?" Paddy looked and said "NO, mine had a pencil behind it!"

Yeah nice one Cheekee!!
I told my mates that one when I was 12 down at the youth club!!
I`ll try and think of some more really old ones..
Hmmmm...Hang on..I`ll be back.

[fred]

Here we go..

Four turtles were celebrating their 40th birthdays together, when they ran out of ice cream. They decided the oldest one, Fred, should go to the store and get more.
The rest of them waited for Fred to come back, but after a couple of days they started getting frustrated. The youngest one said, "Poor Fred. Ever since he turned 40 he’s really getting slow."
A voice from behind the door said, "If you’re gonna start saying bad things about me behind my back, l’m not even going."

[fred]

What do you do if you find an epileptic in the bath?
Throw in your washing.

What do you call an epileptic under a pile of leaves? Russell.

What do you call a man with a spade in his mouth? Doug.

What do you call a man with no spade in his mouth? Douglas.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

[fred]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? 'Cause he was dead.

[fred]

Bloke walks into a pub, sits at the bar. The bloke next to him has a dog sat next to his stool. First bloke says " does your dog bite " He replies no. The man puts his hand down to stroke the dog, and it bites him. " I thought you said your dog doesnt bite " he said. Man replies......................................" It's not my dog. "

[SimonH]

Any one else getting infested with exploding insects, blinking Jihadi Longlegs

[fred]

a man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head and the bartender says '' why have you got a fried egg on your head mate?'' and the man says '' .........because a boiled one would have rolled off''

[fred]

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.


Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

[fred]

My 96 year old grandmother died after completing the London Marathon.

It was a sad day. But at least she had a good run.

[SimonH]

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.


Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

Mates girlfriend had a similar dilemma, he told her to rub toilet paper between her breasts every morning, "does that work?" she asks, did with your he replied.

[fred]

[SimonH]

[fred]

Statistically, you are more likely to be bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark

[fred]

My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right.

So I packed her bags and left.

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

If I make you breakfast in bed all I need is a simple 'thank you' not all this
'how the hell did you get in my house' nonsense!

[fred]

I've invented a new biscuit and I'm gonna make a packet.

[fred]

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

[fred]

Ate 4 cans of alphabetti spaghetti, had a terrible vowel movement.

[fred]

FOR SALE:

Faulty Swingball £10

No strings attached.

[fred]

Paddy wanted to sell his car . Mick told him to rewind the mileage to get a better price . A few days later Mick asked Paddy how he got on . Paddy said that after he had rewound it to 7,000 miles , he decided to keep it .

[Michael Parnham]

Paddy wanted to sell his car . Mick told him to rewind the mileage to get a better price . A few days later Mick asked Paddy how he got on . Paddy said that after he had rewound it to 7,000 miles, he decided to keep it.

[Terpe]

You're on form today Fred

Some great stuff there.