Fred's 2014 joke thread.

[fred]

During a fundraising dinner speech last night, Tony Blair is said to have commented that there is a 'shortage of common sense' right now in the UK ...

at which point the people who paid £5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

I was in the pub with my girlfriend last night when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, babe," I replied, stroking her hair. "What is it?"

She said, "Why are you with me?"

I said, "Because I love you."

She said, "I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a s**t."

[fred]

Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese.

Called a builder, he was also Chinese.

Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well !

Bloody Yellow Pages

[fred]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day
after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..
Why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about
a half a million Euros?.

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"

[grahamw48]

[les_taxi]

Some good ones there Fred

[fred]

Cuddly toy road rage video.. Dont miss this one!

[Michael Parnham]

You've just got to laugh Fred!

[grahamw48]

Hahahahaha !

[Terpe]

Well that was a surprise for sure.

[les_taxi]

Brill

[fred]

The wife came back from the doctors on friday and said " The doctor thinks I have acute angina" and I replied " well! your tit's are not bad either"

[fred]

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

[fred]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

[fred]

[fred]

Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese.

Called a builder, he was also Chinese.

Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well !

Bloody Yellow Pages

[fred]

My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....
I think he meant well.

[fred]

How cold was it this morning? I had to use my B&Q discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen!
Didn't work very well though,
only got 10% off.

[fred]

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight @rse with no hair ?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have, He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling ?"

[Arthur Little]

Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese.

Called a builder, he was also Chinese.

Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well !

Bloody Yellow Pages

... at least they weren't 'Stanis, Fred ... or you'd have been really "browned~off"!

[les_taxi]

I tried to eat the clock the other day....it was really time consuming!

Mamma Mia...classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his mum he is home?

[fred]

I tried to eat the clock the other day....it was really time consuming!

I`m surprised you have the time.

[les_taxi]

I had time on my hands

[fred]

Clock puns, tick me off...
Drive me Cuckoo..

[Arthur Little]

Clock puns, tick me off...
Drive me Cuckoo..

Hmm ... I'd watch that if I were you!

[les_taxi]

Oh no, not the puns

[Arthur Little]

Oh no, not the puns

Ok ... ... I'll "clock~off" from continuing with the puns.

[les_taxi]

You just can't help yourself can you Arthur