Fred's 2014 joke thread.

[fred]

You know why my missus has orgasms?
So even when she's enjoying herself she still moans.
Moan,moan moan!!

[fred]

A man from Specsavers knocked on my door this morning and said,"50% off today sir.Would you like an eye check?"

"My eyes are just fine,thank you very much." I said with pride.

He then looked over at my wife and said,"Are you sure about that sir?"

[fred]

If sperm is supposed to have all these anti-wrinkle properties how come my scrotum is so wrinkled I could grate cheese on it?

[fred]

Fingered my wife like a B@stard last night.

Phoned the police, told them she'd been shoplifting.

[fred]

That Rick Astley is a right ignorant ****, he never says goodbye.

[fred]

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched.

The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

[fred]

Ohhhh!!! Were havin a laugh tonight!!

[aprilmaejon]

I Thought English jokes are dry but you know what?....much to my surprise, I'm giggling now!

[fred]

I Thought English jokes are dry but you know what?....much to my surprise, I'm giggling now!

At least I have done something right tonight then!!
Glad you have developed a sense of British humour April!!

[fred]

Subway now refuse to serve ham or pork! Typical of business corporations today, they only care about prophets.

[fred]

I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.

'I'm just doing my job' she protested.

'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you fat cow' I replied.

[fred]

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot

To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her .... instead

She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock

When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork

"What do you think?" the wife says

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies

[fred]

My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets.

"Oh Mum, these are Haribo," I said.

"Well, if you don't like them, don't eat them," she replied.

[fred]

Dildos are for pussies

[fred]

I had a large collection of Dusty Springfield books but I decided to get rid of all of them. Now, I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

[fred]

4 year old joke.

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.

She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a f*cking roundabout.

[fred]

My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.

[fred]

A gorgeous blond enters the train car where an old man is already sitting alone. For his surprise he notices that she isn't using underwear. When she sees the old man staring at her vagina, she says:
- Do you wanna see my vagina winking?
- Ok...

And then she winks it, and says that she can do better:
- Do you wanna see it giving you a little kiss?
- Yes, yes by all means...

And the man is astonished by that feat of vaginal flexibility. The Blond getting all excited and warmed up by that exercise asks the old man:
- DO you wanna to put two fingers in it?



He replies:
- For God's sake don't tell me that your vagina can whistle too!

[fred]

I think it's a tragedy that women did not serve in the front line of the armed forces a 100 years ago.

Can you imagine how clean the trenches would have been?

[fred]

I'll never forget what my Dad said to me when I first left home.

"If at first you don't succeed, don't even f*cking think about moving back in here."

[fred]

For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.

[fred]

I had sex with my mum's sister the other day.

Just thought I'd up the Aunty.

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

Would ya??

[fred]

[fred]