Fred's 2014 joke thread.

[fred]

Arguing with a woman is like wrestling a greasy pig; after a while you realise the pig is actually enjoying it.

[fred]

To the wise guy that hid my trainers as I played on the bouncy castle yesterday afternoon.

You need to grow up mate.

[Terpe]

Nice dose of 'laughing medicine' there ......thanks Fred
Really tickled me.

[grahamw48]

Very good Fred.

[fred]

You're welcome guys!!

We need to laugh more, I've discovered!

[fred]

Three Irishman, who all stuttered, decided to try a new speech therapist. The therapist turned out to be the most beautiful woman they had ever seen. She also had a new technique for curing the stutters.

She tells the three, "If you can say the name of the city where you where born without stuttering, you can have sex with me."

Francis goes first and says "D-d-dub-b-blin". "Sorry", says the therapist.

Sean goes next and says "B-b-belfast". "Sorry", says the therapist.

Finally, Paddy manages to get out "London", at which point the therapist takes him into the back room, where they have the best sex that Paddy ever had. As Paddy is lying there catching his breath, the therapist asks him "Well?" at which point Paddy says "D-d-derry"

[fred]

A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in
the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing ****, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

[fred]

Jurgan Klop has confirmed he will not be going for the Manchester United managers job.

but his brother Clippity is interested...

[fred]

What goes clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop, BANG! BANG! clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop?




An Amish drive by shooting.

[fred]

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[fred]

Genuine personal ad..

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, hunting, camping and fishing, cozy winter nights in lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call 01872-264208 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA

[fred]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
>> anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special
>> occasion
>> I think that it is time I made a confession...... before we were married
>> I
>> was a hooker for eight years..'
>>
>> The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
>> says, 'my love, you have been a perfect wife for 10 years! and I cannot
>> hold
>> your past against you..
>> Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade so as to spice up our
>> sex
>> life a bit..?'
>>
>> She said, 'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was
>> Brian and I played rugby for Wales .........'

[fred]

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but we had to ask special permission to make her passport photo landscape.

[fred]

A Centurion walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"You mean a Martini?" says the bartender.

The Centurion replies: "If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for one!"

[fred]

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

"Why do you want to do that?" I said.

"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

[fred]

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be a lot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

[fred]

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

[fred]

Ejaculate: The ejection of semen.

Or...

A yorkshire person telling Jack he's not on time.

[fred]

Adele's .... cheek brushed against my face earlier while she played a concert in London.

Which was strange because I was in Wigan at the time.

[fred]

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight @rse with no hair ?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have, He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling ?"

[fred]

An old one..

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British intelligence officers have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

[SimonH]

Ejaculate: The ejection of semen.

Or...

A yorkshire person telling Jack he's not on time.

[fred]

My wife went camping when she was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear.

She ripped the poor things head off.

[fred]

The police are getting really close to identifying the masked rapist who's been terrorising women in my town for the last six months.

They're next door at the moment.

[fred]

Hey Simon... I didnt know you were a visitor of the Joke thread!!

[fred]

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

[fred]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It keeps wakes me up"

[fred]

"Your driving is f*****g awful," I said to my wife this morning.

"It would help if you told me where I should be going!" she yelled, "Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???"

"Do a left," I replied calmly, "Then do a right between the swings & the slide."

[fred]

Frozen Windows on a Cold Winter Morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen,
won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed-up now."

[fred]

Whenever you argue with your missus, never go to bed angry.

Stay up and keep arguing with the bitch.