Abusive Partners

[gWaPito]

Here's something I came across in an article for abused husbands..like you do . 'shrinks for men'
I hope this helps somebody. Cheers

How do so many smart men fall for toxic, abusive women? Why do they remain in painfully self-destructive relationships when their higher intelligence knows better? Many men frequently cite, “but I love her.” Do they love these women or have they been brainwashed by abusive personalities? Are they confusing love with dependence on their partner/torturer—a kind of Stockholm Syndrome? Emotional and physical abuse wears you down over time. It erodes your confidence, independence, sense of efficacy and good judgment.

Successful abusers use brainwashing tactics to disassemble your personality and extinguish your natural responses to abuse. In other words, you become numb and submissive instead of fleeing or fighting back in the face of her abuse.
Abusive women establish control over their targets by using “brainwashing tactics similar to those used on prisoners of war, hostages, or members of a cult” (Mega, Mega, Mega & Harris, 2000). Most abusers instinctively know these behaviors. Their behavior is mostly unconscious; they’re natural predators. However, some abusive women know exactly what they’re doing. In such cases, I’d argue that they’re sociopaths.


Brainwashing Techniques
In the 1950s, psychologist Robert Jay Liftonstudied POW’s from the Korean War and Chinese prison camps. He concluded that these soldiers “underwent a multi-step process that began with attacks on the prisoner’s sense of self and ended with what appeared to be a change in beliefs” (Layton). Lifton defined 10 brainwashing steps that occur in 3 stages.


Stage I: Breaking Down the Self
1. Assault on Identity. “You are not who you think you are.” This step is comprised of an unrelenting attack on your identity or ego. For example, You’re a jerk. You’re a loser. You’re selfish. You don’t deserve me. You don’t have any friends. Your family doesn’t care about you. You don’t make enough money. These kinds of attacks have a destabilizing effect that breaks your stride and keeps you off kilter. The assault continues until you become “exhausted, confused and disoriented,” which causes your sense of self, beliefs and values to weaken.


2. Guilt. “You are bad.” Once your identity crisis sets in, you’re then criticized for offenses great, small and imaginary. You snore. You chew your food to loudly. You’re not sensitive enough. You’re too sensitive. You breathe wrong. You blink too much. You don’t fold the towels correctly. You never do this. You always do that. Why can’t you be more like so and so? The constant arguments and criticisms that cast you as the bad guy make you believe you deserve to be punished and treated badly. You feel a general sense of shame, that you’re wrong and that everything you do, don’t do, say or don’t say is wrong.
Humiliation and shaming tactics destroy your confidence and make you feel bad about yourself, which puts you in a malleable and submissive state. Shame is a form of paralysis. Inducing a sense of shame doesn’t just make you feel bad; it makes you believe that you are bad.


3. Self-Betrayal. “Agree with me that you are bad.” Once you’re disoriented and feeling a pervasive sense of guilt and shame, she can manipulate you into going against your own best interests. You forsake your own needs and make choices that are detrimental to your well-being. This is the time when an abusive spouse or girlfriend will begin to isolate you and/or get you to turn against your friends and family. The betrayal of yourself, your beliefs and the people you once felt loyal to increases your feelings of shame, guilt and loss and also makes you easier to control.


4. Breaking Point. “Who am I, where am I and what am I supposed to do?” You no longer know who you are. You’re confused and disoriented from gaslighting and constantly being fed a distorted version of yourself and reality. You may feel like you’re having a nervous breakdown or feel depressed, anxious, traumatized and a host of other negative emotional and physical symptoms like insomnia, paranoia and digestive problems.
You question your judgment, perceptions and sense of reality. She tells you she loves you yet continues to treat you horribly. You believe she loves you and that you must be a colossal jerk for her to always be so upset. If she’s successfully isolated you or gotten you to isolate yourself, you can’t reality test her version of events or receive outside support. By this time, she’s made you totally dependent upon her and solely focused upon pleasing her, gaining her approval and avoiding her wrath or disapproval. You probably feel completely alone. Alternatively, if you’re still in contact with friends and family, you fear that if you tell them what’s going on that they wouldn’t believe you or wouldn’t understand.


Stage II: The Possibility of Salvation
5. Leniency. “I can help you.” This is what I like to call the tyranny of small mercies. Periodically, this kind of woman will offer you some small kindness or you’ll have a “fun” afternoon together in which she appears normal. Because your perception has been so warped, the tiniest act of kindness or absence of overt hostility and/or icy withdrawal fosters gratitude, relief and a sense of adoration within you. In reality, she’s not kind and she’s not normal.
The disparity between her bad behavior and good/neutral behavior is so great that the simple act of heating up a can of soup for you makes her seem like Lady Benevolence. Her minuscule and infrequent acts of normalcy cause you to romanticize her. “This is why I love her. She can be so sweet.” It also causes you to experience a destructive sense of false hope. “If only she could be this way all the time. Maybe she will if I just try harder to please her.” The only way you can please this kind of woman is by continuing to allow her to harm you.


6. Compulsion to Confess. “You can help yourself.” You’re so grateful for the small kindnesses she bestows in between periods of covert and overt abuse that you agree with her criticisms and devaluations. For example, you agree that your friends are bad for you and that your family is controlling and dysfunctional (um, hello, pot meet kettle). You promise to be more attentive and sensitive to her needs and see your needs as evidence of your selfishness.
Alternatively, you agree with her just to make the rages, derision and accusations stop. By the way, this is why torture techniques don’t work for intelligence purposes. People will say anything to make the torture stop. By this time, your personality has changed. You’re hypervigilant to her moods and ego gratification demands and wishes.
You’re overwhelmed and confused by her accusations and criticisms. Subsequently, you feel a compounded sense of shame. However, you’re so disoriented that you don’t know what you’re guilty of anymore. You just feel wrong.


The Goal: Pointless Control with No End to the Abuse
Individuals or groups who use brainwashing techniques are deliberately trying to convert followers, change political allegiance or get people to buy their brand of soda. The ultimate goal is to breakdown your identity and replace your belief system with their doctrines in order to make you an obedient follower. Once they achieve their aims, the psychological torture stops because you’ve become a faithful acolyte.


Unlike professional terrorists, cult leaders and prison camp commandants, most abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and sociopathic wives and girlfriends don’t have an end goal for their brainwashing techniques. They don’t know what they want. They just know that they want to control you in order to feel in control of themselves. This is why they don’t progress past the sixth brainwashing step and complete the process through the third stage, Rebuilding the Self.
By keeping you stuck in the Possibility of Salvation stage, you become locked into perpetual hoop jumping mode. She says if you do x, y and z she’ll finally be happy. You do x, y and z and then she either has a new set of expectations, demands and requirements or tells you that you didn’t do x, y and z to her satisfaction or that you only did it to make her happy not because you wanted to do it. You’re caught in a maddening cycle of trying to please her and not being able to please her with no relief or “salvation” in sight.


Oftentimes, abusive borderline, narcissistic and histrionic women’s moods, beliefs and realities change from day to day and, in extreme cases, minute to minute. They want whatever their current mood or insecurity dictates and change their beliefs, demands and perceptions accordingly. The only doctrine they offer is, “You’re wrong and bad” and “It’s all about me, my needs and my feelings” and “you need to fight for me” or “you need to fight for this relationship” (never mind that she is the one who is destroying it). This keeps you destabilized and in a perpetual state of guilt, shame, hypervigilance and confusion.


She puts you into no win situations, double binds and keeps raising the bar of her expectations for as long as you let her. You never get to reach the third stage of a new identity that brings some relief. She keeps you stuck in the cycle of abuse where she will psychologically torture you until there’s nothing left of you.

[London_Manila]

In the early stages of a relationship the "boundaries" will always be tested
This is the time to let it be known what is unacceptable behavior
Sometimes kindness and generosity can be seen as a weakness
To be in a relationship where one side is constantly placating the other side is doomed to failure

[gWaPito]

I absolutely agree LM..While looking from the outside, it's so blatantly obvious. ..The scary bit is, nobody is immune from getting snared by one of these creatures as the article points out.

[grahamw48]

My ex lied to me from the off. I didn't find out she had two kids not just the one, until we'd been married 6 months . Not a good start.

She also cheated on me later in the relationship (whereas I was faithful, despite being surrounded by temptations where we lived in the Phils).

Does make you a bit cynical.

[gWaPito]

My ex lied to me from the off. I didn't find out she had two kids not just the one, until we'd been married 6 months . Not a good start.

She also cheated on me later in the relationship (whereas I was faithful, despite being surrounded by temptations where we lived in the Phils).

Does make you a bit cynical.

Only a bit Graham. .funny how time heals. .at the moment I feel an arm's length of 4 by 2 could be the answer to my present predicament. .to the nark amongst us, that was a joke
Like cars, women as well as us men should come with a service history. .for example, you get a car with a doggy engine simply nip down to halfords Get some of GTX's finest..yehey! The engine will behave for a while. .or at least until the mug has fallen for it. .

[SimonH]

In the early stages of a relationship the "boundaries" will always be tested
This is the time to let it be known what is unacceptable behavior
Sometimes kindness and generosity can be seen as a weakness
To be in a relationship where one side is constantly placating the other side is doomed to failure

Not sure if I should admit to this or not, but early on in our relationship my partner decided to see how far I could be pushed, just seeing where the limits were I guess. The only reaction she got was me picking up the phone..........
When she asked who I was phoning I calmly replied "a taxi to take you to the train station". Anyway, she went back to London and obviously calmed down a bit and had a think then the following morning I got the call saying sorry and could she come back.
All has been smooth sailing ever since

[Ako Si Jamie]

My ex sent me to the depths of despair. I was close to cracking up and when we eventually split it took me seven years before I even thought about getting involved with another woman.

[grahamw48]

I suppose I was lucky that I had the distraction of bringing up my son, but after my break-up, it was 9 years before I even kissed another woman.

[gWaPito]

My ex sent me to the depths of despair. I was close to cracking up and when we eventually split it took me seven years before I even thought about getting involved with another woman.

In hindsight, I should of taken time out when my first marriage of 25 years ended. .unlike you and Graham, I launched into another ill fated campaign of shame and humiliation in the name of marriage....

[grahamw48]

They certainly know our weaknesses.

[London_Manila]

My ex lied to me from the off. I didn't find out she had two kids not just the one, until we'd been married 6 months . Not a good start.

She also cheated on me later in the relationship (whereas I was faithful, despite being surrounded by temptations where we lived in the Phils).

Does make you a bit cynical.

In Thailand they invite you to the province to meet the family
The brother normally turns out to be the Thai husband or bf

I must admit i do get slightly wound up when i see a farang/kanu being treated like a doormat
The sad part is normally the guy is happy to play along with it and is oblivious to whats going on
I am sure most of us have played the "deluded fool" before and we wont be the last

Thats my excuse for ending up bitter and twisted anyway

[gWaPito]

In Thailand they invite you to the province to meet the family
The brother normally turns out to be the Thai husband or bf

I must admit i do get slightly wound up when i see a farang/kanu being treated like a doormat
The sad part is normally the guy is happy to play along with it and is oblivious to whats going on
I am sure most of us have played the "deluded fool" before and we wont be the last

Thats my excuse for ending up bitter and twisted anyway

Most don't seek this information until they've already been smoked or the creature's spell is broken.

The idea is, is to put this information out into the FilipinoUk arena so at least the unsuspecting deluded fools amongst us may just be able to save themselves.

Keep the lambs from venturing into the vipers nest!

[Ako Si Jamie]

I think anyone who goes through life without a woman doing their nut in should consider themselves very fortunate.

[grahamw48]

Only one ?

[Michael Parnham]

No man can really understand how a woman's brain works (FACT)

[HACHE]

This thread is a few months old I know, but caught my eye somehow.

Seen alot of this stuff myself, first hand and in other peoples relationhips.

Fact is that all that cooercion, manipulation and abuse never creates anything other than stress for the "victim" and a sick temporary fix for the abuser. The abuser never finds happiness.

I think a lot of trouble starts at the start of the relationship when boundries are drawn.
When we're in that early stage of being loved up ( honeymoon period) its very easy to choose to ignore/overlook things that don't sit too well with us. we dismiss them as "one offs"...the problem is if they aren't one off incidents and we don't nip them in the bud, things just get worse..

[grahamw48]

Very true.

[gWaPito]

This thread is a few months old I know, but caught my eye somehow.

Seen alot of this stuff myself, first hand and in other peoples relationhips.

Fact is that all that cooercion, manipulation and abuse never creates anything other than stress for the "victim" and a sick temporary fix for the abuser. The abuser never finds happiness.

I think a lot of trouble starts at the start of the relationship when boundries are drawn.
When we're in that early stage of being loved up ( honeymoon period) its very easy to choose to ignore/overlook things that don't sit too well with us. we dismiss them as "one offs"...the problem is if they aren't one off incidents and we don't nip them in the bud, things just get worse..

I agree, things do get worse. ..the trouble is, inherently good people see good in everyone. ..we can't help that. Even when things got so low I'd thought in my heart we could turn it all around.

I don't think you can nip stuff like this in the bud. ..it will only be nipped if you sack them off straight away. .in the courting stage. If you forgive or give some sort of reprimand, it'll give them the green light to act up again days, weeks, months even years down the line.

SimonH gave an example of what he experienced. ..it's a tragedy a few people have to be tested.

Btw. ..I'm grateful for the automated emails when someone replies to a thread I've contributed to. ..I wld of missed this otherwise. ..Cheers

[London_Manila]

I agree, things do get worse. ..the trouble is, inherently good people see good in everyone. ..we can't help that. Even when things got so low I'd thought in my heart we could turn it all around.

I don't think you can nip stuff like this in the bud. ..it will only be nipped if you sack them off straight away. .in the courting stage. If you forgive or give some sort of reprimand, it'll give them the green light to act up again days, weeks, months even years down the line.

SimonH gave an example of what he experienced. ..it's a tragedy a few people have to be tested.

Btw. ..I'm grateful for the automated emails when someone replies to a thread I've contributed to. ..I wld of missed this otherwise. ..Cheers

Thats the time to weed them out

As soon as they start any kind of manipulating bullshit/demands for money or hissy fits show them the door

[Michael Parnham]

Excellent thread!

[tiger31]

too many fish in the sea to be used and abused ,I laid out all the do,s and don,ts at the start of the relationship and it worked for me .but she still got me wrapped round her little finger lol

[grahamw48]

Best laid plans etc...and guaranteed they'll still get their way. Little minxes.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Not sure if I should admit to this or not, but early on in our relationship my partner decided to see how far I could be pushed, just seeing where the limits were I guess. The only reaction she got was me picking up the phone..........
When she asked who I was phoning I calmly replied "a taxi to take you to the train station". Anyway, she went back to London and obviously calmed down a bit and had a think then the following morning I got the call saying sorry and could she come back.
All has been smooth sailing ever since

One of my exes was like that. We were together for about six weeks before she went too far and earned herself a one way ticket out of my life.

[HACHE]

I agree, things do get worse. ..the trouble is, inherently good people see good in everyone. ..we can't help that. Even when things got so low I'd thought in my heart we could turn it all around.

I don't think you can nip stuff like this in the bud. ..it will only be nipped if you sack them off straight away. .in the courting stage. If you forgive or give some sort of reprimand, it'll give them the green light to act up again days, weeks, months even years down the line.

SimonH gave an example of what he experienced. ..it's a tragedy a few people have to be tested.

Btw. ..I'm grateful for the automated emails when someone replies to a thread I've contributed to. ..I wld of missed this otherwise. ..Cheers

It's a fair point really, someone twisted enough to be capable, willing to do this psychotic stuff, aren't gona learn to behave decently by being shown that they can't cross certain lines.

Abuse can't happen without a victim participating in the relationship...

[gWaPito]

It's a fair point really, someone twisted enough to be capable, willing to do this psychotic stuff, aren't gona learn to behave decently by being shown that they can't cross certain lines.

Abuse can't happen without a victim participating in the relationship...

From what I've learnt, once once the the game is up. .the isolation finished etc they tend to walk anyway They have no power over you. .the victim is no longer a victim. The spell is broken. The thought of a nice balanced relationship is In their mind, incomprehensible.