I Think I really need help!

[limbowoman]

I am filipina and married to an english man, I came here to UK as a fiancé visa then got married here!
Soon I will be applying for my ILR on June 01,2013, cuz my flr visa will be expired on july 01,2013!
So the problem is my husband doesn't want to sponsor me because of nonsense reason!

My relationship with my husband is just like a rollercoaster ride and it depends on his mood! Ive learned to deal with it cuz I do love him so much! few months of our marriage I was in a terrible depression bec of how he treats me, he easily get mad, angry and irritited, and i never had a clue that he was like that! so I asked his family about him! they said they dont really know him bec he's a very quiet and secretive person , all they know is he is a mad person! but when i see his good side he is really good and nice person its just he got very bad temper and no patience at all! so I really want to know about my husband how to deal with him, so when i got the chance to talk to his 2nd ex wife,( by the way I'm his 3rd wife ) so she told me everything about him how really bad he was when he was with her, he treated her worse than he's treating me now, she said lots bad things about him! so i shared my experience with my husbad to her also and i trusted her and i thought that she was helping me along the way so i know how to deal with my husband! she even made me promise not to tell my husband that i alked to her but i told her that eventually 1 day i will tell my husband that i talked to her and she told me no no do not tell him that we talked she said he will get mad and angry! so i said ok! but honest to God I will tell my husband that i talked to her but in a right time!
So then I did not know that she was talking to my husband and she told him that we talked and the thing is she twisted the story she made it out that she was concern about my husband bec I was talking about him behind his back! and running him down! so to make the long story short she used my convo to get hold of my husband and later on i found out that she wanted to go back with him she said to my husband that get rid of me and she will go back with him!

So my husband confronted me about it! I told him everything and he did not liked it and he believed in her not in me,he treated me as a stranger and called me different bad names! but i did not gave up and still showing him and proving him that i was telling the truth! so after few months he calm down and back to normal, he was sweet and nice person again! but he always looking a flaws in me from the tip of my hair down to the tip of my toes!
I am a health care worker and I only do 32 hours a week! so i dont earn that much but alteast im lucky to have a job! he never gives me any single cents and i share half for all the bills and rent so i always share 80% of my wages to the bills and rent so its just a liitel that will left for me monthly he is earning much more than me though, and he told me all the bills gone up already and i still sharing the amount that i share since i start working!,so when i give him my reason he doesnt like it he wont accept any reasoning at all, he always degrading me and putting me down, but i just dont take noticed that anymore! bec i know his attitude already! and everytime we are having a fight and argument he always telling me that I will not sponsor you i will not a help you for ur ILR ! I want you to go back to the philippines.

Now that he knows Im going to apply for my ILR he told me we are done we are finish I will not sponsor you! i want you out of my life! and I asked him what did i do ? thats unfair he said talking his ex wife behind his back and me being annoying! annoying in a terms of i keep justifying and giving him my reason that he dont wanna accept!

So i dont know what will I do now!?

[grahamw48]

I'm sorry to hear your sad story.

This man sounds like a horrible monster and you really should not tolerate his behaviour, whether or not you still love him.

In my opinion your priority should be getting AWAY from him.

You may still be able to stay here, but I will wait for others on the forum more expert in such matters to advise you.

Good luck.

[stevie c]

As graham says get away from this vile man
What man treats his wife in this manner only a vile disgusting man is the answer
I trully wish you well in getting your ilr & hope you can find a better life away from this monster

[imagine]

hes not worth your love, leave him

[Terpe]

In my view this relationship is neither happy nor healthy.

I think it's best if you get out of it before it worsens

Please take some time to read the following useful information:-

Victims of domestic violence

Victims Of Domestics Violence - Requirements For Settlement Applications

Destitution Domestic Violence (DDV) Concession - FAQ's

Just be informed that UKBA state that:-

Domestic violence is any threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who are or have been in a relationship, or between family members. It can affect anybody, regardless of their gender or sexuality.
The violence can be psychological, physical, sexual or emotional. It can include 'honour-based violence', female genital mutilation, and forced marriage.

[fred]

Just be informed that UKBA state that:-

Domestic violence is any threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who are or have been in a relationship, or between family members. It can affect anybody, regardless of their gender or sexuality.
The violence can be psychological, physical, sexual or emotional. It can include 'honour-based violence', female genital mutilation, and forced marriage.

But do they say that women, suffering from this type of behavior from their coward, imbecile husbands may stBut do they say that women, suffering from this type of behavior from their coward, imbecile husbands may still get their ILR`s due to impossible circumstances?
Knowing Filipino women,they would put up with anything until they receive their ILR`s.. Seen it a few times.. Here we go again.

[limbowoman]

Thank you all for the replies will I be able to get the ILR even without his support?

[limbowoman]

But do they say that women, suffering from this type of behavior from their coward, imbecile husbands may still get their ILR`s due to impossible circumstances?
Knowing Filipino women,they would put up with anything until they receive their ILR`s..
Seen it a few times.. Here we go again.

Fred thats what he thought also Im just after the ILR, thats the reason why I wanna get it so i can prove it to him that he is not just for ILR, our marriage is just like a rollercoaster ride! 1 day we are ok 1 day we are not! and I understand why he became like that ! it is how he brought up! and I honesly swear I am not after for the ILR ofcourse i need to get it so i can stay here, how can i prove it to him that he is not just for the ILR thing if i will not get it! yes i will say mentally emotionally he abused me! I grew up in a very conservative family for us marriage is very sacred! its like you have to do everything just t save the marriage, im sure many filipina here can relate to this!

[limbowoman]

One more thing! I dont think that its just easy to say that will put up with it just to get the ILR thing ! only filipina that trully loves their husband I think can put up with that thing! bec if theres no love no one would be able to take it and stand it !

[limbowoman]

In my view this relationship is neither happy nor healthy.

I think it's best if you get out of it before it worsens

Please take some time to read the following useful information:-


Victims of domestic violence

Victims Of Domestics Violence - Requirements For Settlement Applications

Destitution Domestic Violence (DDV) Concession - FAQ's

Just be informed that UKBA state that:-

Terpe thank you so much How will I apply my ILR! do i have to provide those bills on our names together? and fill up the form with him signing it ? i really dont know what to do! I need to submit my papers on June 1,2013 .

[Terpe]

Terpe thank you so much How will I apply my ILR! do i have to provide those bills on our names together? and fill up the form with him signing it ? i really dont know what to do! I need to submit my papers on June 1,2013 .

Read the links, everything you need is there.

[Terpe]

But do they say that women, suffering from this type of behavior from their coward, imbecile husbands may stBut do they say that women, suffering from this type of behavior from their coward, imbecile husbands may still get their ILR`s due to impossible circumstances?
Knowing Filipino women,they would put up with anything until they receive their ILR`s.. Seen it a few times.. Here we go again.

Yes, they do.
It's all in the links provided.

If the applicant has moved out and is destitute (supported by third-party) then no fee is needed.

I also seen this kind of thing many times.
I'm currently involved in one right now with a friend of ours

[limbowoman]

Read the links, everything you need is there.

Hi again Terpe and thanks My husband never hurt me physically though , its all just words like degrading me calling me names putting me down and always looking a flaws in me in every way! is that part of domestic violence? just like now he is fine, he's talking to me , but i dont know if after few hours still the same, his mood swing is really terrible unpredictable!

[SimonH]

What a sad story, your husband sounds like he's taking you for granted. You're his wife not a lodger or hired help, what man in his right mind would expect his wife to have to pay half the bills from her part time job wages. A marriage is meant to be a partnership 50/50, both parts being equal.
I really hope you sort this out, but honestly no matter what we say, men don't change, you're seeing the real him so get out now before it gets any worse.

[Terpe]

Hi again Terpe and thanks My husband never hurt me physically though , its all just words like degrading me calling me names putting me down and always looking a flaws in me in every way! is that part of domestic violence? just like now he is fine, he's talking to me , but i dont know if after few hours still the same, his mood swing is really terrible unpredictable!

Please read those links!!!
There's plenty of information that tells you that of course it's not always about physical abuse.
Unless you take some time to read and understand the help and support that's available you'll not progress your position.

Domestic violence is any threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who are or have been in a relationship, or between family members. It can affect anybody, regardless of their gender or sexuality.
The violence can be psychological, physical, sexual or emotional. It can include 'honour-based violence', female genital mutilation, and forced marriage.

[Iani]

I don't want to be putting the boot in to you, I really don't, so please don't take this the wrong way.

The thing is, there is at the moment a campaign against abusive relationships, there are radio adverts where a young woman is talking, about how being with him is better than having no boyfriend............right?

YOU are in an abusive relationship!

Never mind this "I put up with it because I love him" rubbish. Just take a step back and look.
This man is the classic CLASSIC example of the white guy who can't get a girlfriend from his own country, because he is a bad tempered or violent or ill mannered or drug user or just has a plain bad nasty attitude............and is probably ugly and fat as well.
The British or maybe moreso Australian woman will not put up with this rubbish, and will dump him, so he goes to Thailand or the Philippines, or maybe Kosovo where there are plenty of beautiful women, where there is a stereotype that the women are submissive and quiet, and where there are moral women who also will put up with such crap, because they're taught to respect their men, and moreso because they see it as a way out of a poor background.

Please let me assure you not all British men are like this piece of of a husband of yours.

Just why do you think you are his third wife? Why couldn't he keep the other two? Well there can be many reasons someone marries twice, but a woman should always find out why the previous one broke down. Fact is women are normally smaller and weaker than men, and more vunerable.

Your story has made me really angry, I don't often go off on one, but I just have done.
Grief, he even let you pay for his keep - by not contributing to you and letting you pay off household stuff. Not even a real man!!

The big problem here is, you need that ILR. I can echo what others have said, in that I am sure I have heard that in the case of domestic violence in a relationship, and where someone has made a contributing life here - as you clearly have working etc, that you won't necessarily be deported, that there might be ways.
I could of course also be wrong. Perhaps getting a visit to the local citizens advice bureau would be a start. They might be able to point you in the direction of a local refugee support place - so ok you aren't one of those but they will have a good idea where you can get legal help

Above all, good luck to you, and do keep coming on here. You now need to really start doing your research as to getting around this situation

[grahamw48]

Good post !

[Michael Parnham]

After just reading your story Limbowoman, Good Luck for the future and hope you get your ILR, you deserve it!

[sars_notd_virus]

thats what he thought also Im just after the ILR, thats the reason why I wanna get it so i can prove it to him that he is not just for ILR, our marriage is just like a rollercoaster ride! will say mentally emotionally he abused me!

wake up limbowoman ..check the links terpe has provided !!

...your husband has got a brain problem, why put up with it??

[limbowoman]

Thank you for all the replies . I will just give an update about my situation! last week my husband and I had an argument for the reason that I was not able to visit his mom, that morning he texted me and telling me that his dad been taken to the hospital bec of his knees! i was at the bank during that time sorting things out ! so I called his mom right away to ask how she was , and hows the hubby's dad, she said she was fed up and she told me the whole story! so i even told her that whatever she needs or if she needs me to come around just give me a call bec i was at the bank during that time ! so knowing his mom was alright I just carried on with my things for the day, cuz i had to meet a filipina friend for my driving lesson, so I did not go visit his mom during that time but I was waiting for him to come home so we can go there together and visit his dad also in the hospital! so when he came home he asked me right away what have ive been doing all day? i told him i was out with a friend for a driving lesson so he did not liked it and he got mad, he told me you went out with ur friend u did not even think visiting my mom and he kept on goin on and on! so i tried to explain and told him that i called his mom right away and i told him that I was waiting for him to come home so we can go together there! so he got mad more and he told me about the immigration thing again! so i told him that not right! i did not do anything bad ,I even told him sorry for not giving priority his parents cuz i had to do something also i have my problem too! so it was keep goin on and on till he blew up and tried to strangled me and wrenched my arms and dragged me downstairs! and he went to my filipina neighbor and told her to take me out of his house cuz im getting insane, so my friend called me and asked what happened so i told her the story and i told her talk to him and she said no I dont want to lets go to the police so the police will talk to him and calm him down! so we went to the police and told them everything! and they said thats an assault so they asked me if i want to file a complaint and they gave me few days to decide if I want them to arrest him, they gave me few days to decide ! so they took my statement and they asked me not to go back home just stayed with my friend! then the next morning the police called me and they told me that they will just invite my husband for a few questions! but after that I did not know that they arrested my husband and put him in a prison! but they released him bec lack of evidence ! like no marks no bruises, he denied it ofcourse, it did not come out that time though but in the morning my friend asked me to go to the doctor to examine me so when i went to the doctor I was not aware that I had swelling arms and bruises on my wrist! so my GP called and reported a domestic violence case right away,! and when my husband got back home from the middlewitch police station, he told me that my plan did not worked bec lack of evidence! and his family even mad at me now they did not asked me or my husband what happened and his mom told him just get a divorce! and the son treats me cold now and also his mom! so for sure he wont do anything for my ILR anymore! the women's aid offered me a full support though! my husband fight like a chile, he took me off the internet connection cuz he said that he's the one who is paying for it! he just let his son use the connection and even the landline phone he hides it and he just let his son also use the phone! right now the women's aid helping me to look for a place to live,but im not entitled for the house benefit bec of my visa! I just can not believe this things happening to me! I used to be very funny woman and bubbly! I give him so much love and affection evethough he was like that to me bec i saw it that he never got it from his parents! he got no empathy at all. and now he's telling his friends and his family that its my fault and i am a compulsive liar.

[limbowoman]

I don't want to be putting the boot in to you, I really don't, so please don't take this the wrong way.

The thing is, there is at the moment a campaign against abusive relationships, there are radio adverts where a young woman is talking, about how being with him is better than having no boyfriend............right?

YOU are in an abusive relationship!

Never mind this "I put up with it because I love him" rubbish. Just take a step back and look.
This man is the classic CLASSIC example of the white guy who can't get a girlfriend from his own country, because he is a bad tempered or violent or ill mannered or drug user or just has a plain bad nasty attitude............and is probably ugly and fat as well.
The British or maybe moreso Australian woman will not put up with this rubbish, and will dump him, so he goes to Thailand or the Philippines, or maybe Kosovo where there are plenty of beautiful women, where there is a stereotype that the women are submissive and quiet, and where there are moral women who also will put up with such crap, because they're taught to respect their men, and moreso because they see it as a way out of a poor background.

Please let me assure you not all British men are like this piece of of a husband of yours.

Just why do you think you are his third wife? Why couldn't he keep the other two? Well there can be many reasons someone marries twice, but a woman should always find out why the previous one broke down. Fact is women are normally smaller and weaker than men, and more vunerable.

Your story has made me really angry, I don't often go off on one, but I just have done.
Grief, he even let you pay for his keep - by not contributing to you and letting you pay off household stuff. Not even a real man!!

The big problem here is, you need that ILR. I can echo what others have said, in that I am sure I have heard that in the case of domestic violence in a relationship, and where someone has made a contributing life here - as you clearly have working etc, that you won't necessarily be deported, that there might be ways.
I could of course also be wrong. Perhaps getting a visit to the local citizens advice bureau would be a start. They might be able to point you in the direction of a local refugee support place - so ok you aren't one of those but they will have a good idea where you can get legal help

Above all, good luck to you, and do keep coming on here. You now need to really start doing your research as to getting around this situation

I am with you there Iani! I think my husband really needs help!but he wont take it or accept it! everything u said is true and right! I just hope and pray that he will realize it but I doubt it!

[grahamw48]

You're obviously better off away from this nasty person and his family.

Certainly you are not a slave for him and his family, and you have no obligations whatsoever to your in-laws.

There are plenty of people and agencies in this country who will be able to help you (as thankfully you are starting to discover).

Don't worry too much about your ILR at the moment, just take things one step at a time and start to build a new life.

We all make mistakes.

[lordna]

So sorry to hear of your troubles. As you married here you can divorce him. Please don't think all Englishmen are like this dreadful man. Make sure you follow the links provided earlier. Good Luck and ask here again for any help you need.

[Rosie1958]

Limbowoman, I am so sorry to learn about the appalling way in which you have been treated. You cannot be happy with this man and he will not change the way he is behaving, it will get worse. Please save yourself, you only have one life and should not put yourself at further risk and waste it on this undeserving person who clearly has mental problems .......... ! It appears from what you have said that you may have financial difficulties maintaining yourself here in UK and if I was in this position, I would seriously consider taking the next flight back to Philippines

[keith britten]

Limbowoman, I'm so sorry to hear you story and as an Englishman happily married to a Filipina I would just like to say, Please get out of your marriage, it will only get worse. You deserve more from your husband and he's treating you so very badly. I've seen this situation many times before with married English couples, it will not get better, he's not a good man. Read all the links that you have been given and start a better life for yourself.Take care.

[limbowoman]

Limbowoman, I am so sorry to learn about the appalling way in which you have been treated. You cannot be happy with this man and he will not change the way he is behaving, it will get worse. Please save yourself, you only have one life and should not put yourself at further risk and waste it on this undeserving person who clearly has mental problems .......... ! It appears from what you have said that you may have financial difficulties maintaining yourself here in UK and if I was in this position, I would seriously consider taking the next flight back to Philippines

Thank you for your reply Financially I will be fine cuz Im working here eventhough I dont earn much! I have never been dependent on my husband financially since day 1, he was the one who borrowed money from me since he knew that I have my savings with me when I came here and it happened that we had it as joint acct before eventhough he got no money there! I just trusted hi so much knowing the husband and wife relatiosnhip should be a sharing thing! but different things happened! and I learned my lesson now especially when it comes to money matters people change!

[limbowoman]

Limbowoman, I'm so sorry to hear you story and as an Englishman happily married to a Filipina I would just like to say, Please get out of your marriage, it will only get worse. You deserve more from your husband and he's treating you so very badly. I've seen this situation many times before with married English couples, it will not get better, he's not a good man. Read all the links that you have been given and start a better life for yourself.Take care.

Thank you, I will do

[limbowoman]

So sorry to hear of your troubles. As you married here you can divorce him. Please don't think all Englishmen are like this dreadful man. Make sure you follow the links provided earlier. Good Luck and ask here again for any help you need.

I guess you are right! it came to a point that I was like are they really like this ( engishmen) But I think you are right not all of them thank you and yes I will be asking lots of questions hehe

[Steve.r]

What a truly repulsive man, sorry, wife beating worm. Please be strong and focussed, please have the mind that you can never change him, DO NOT go back to him. He will not change. It is clear he has mental problems and can never be trusted not to physically hurt you or mentally hurt you again. Get yourself somewhere safe, try to sort out your money so you are not supporting his lifestyle and look after yourself. Please please please do not go back to him.

[Dedworth]

What a truly repulsive man, sorry, wife beating worm. Please be strong and focussed, please have the mind that you can never change him, DO NOT go back to him. He will not change. It is clear he has mental problems and can never be trusted not to physically hurt you or mentally hurt you again. Get yourself somewhere safe, try to sort out your money so you are not supporting his lifestyle and look after yourself. Please please please do not go back to him.

Quite right the guy sounds a complete sicko