Advice needed! Married man, his wife and their children..

[louise]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is filipino, married to a filipina. They have 2 children and have both been living and working in the UK for over five years. They have their British citizenship. Their relationship broke down many years ago but they stay together because of the children and they both want to stay in the UK.
We are both in our forties and have now reached the point where we realise that life is too short and we want to live together and be a proper couple. I have accepted that they may never divorce or even get an annulment as they're both Catholic and also because the whole issue of ending a marriage is very complicated and costly. We have not yet admitted to her that we are together but we have plans to do so very soon. He loves his children very much and wants to continue to see and support them but that is where our biggest concern lies as we are worried she may take them back home to the Philippines. They are aged 12 and 4.
He is prepared to give up everything to be with me - his rights to the house and shared finances, possessions etc but I would hate for him to lose his children too.
I don't need advice or well meaning comments about breaking up marriages, what about her feelings etc etc - their marriage was well over before he met me! He tried to repair it despite her having an affair previously but she's been unwilling to seek marriage guidance or actually actively try to make their marriage work.
Has anyone been in this situation or do they know if she could take his children away? Any replies would be gratefully received - thanks in advance!

[louise]

Great news! Just read elsewhere that as they're both now British, they can divorce and be free to re-marry without the need for annulment, something which I suspected anyway! But, will she still be able to take the children back to the Philippines?

[Iani]

Right, they have British citizenship, so the bit about them "wanting to stay in the UK" isn't really an issue - they have the right to be here, and I'm guessing have British passports (They would be crazy if they haven't............all the places you can visit with one etc).

The next point, well it covers a number of points, those being

She doesn't know you are together yet

They have stayed together because of the children

He will not get a divorce because he's Catholic.

Well, they are in the UK now and divorce is allowed. Granted the church won't recognise it as proper divorce, but I can tell you if you went to a local Catholic church and asked (extremely discreetly obviously), you'd probably find loads there were divorced. Not re-married in the church obviously, but still divorced. They're a lot more open than people think, ultimately it's up to people's conscience with their God.........if you believe in that of course, and if you don't, then it's no big deal is it

Divorce is not expensive in the grand scheme of things, IF both parties are both in agreement. Not the thread to be discussing that side though.

What is worrying me a bit is the rest. She doesn't know. Oh they are only staying together because of the kids, oh I'll leave her eventually, oh I can't leave her because she would be devastated, but I'm living in a hellish relationship, honest. I'm sorry but the world is full of women who are just the "bit on the side" who swallow this story year in year out. In reality they are happily married, having sex like rabbits, but he's just greedy and selfish and wants to have his cake and eat it.

Now I'm not saying yours fits this description, but this seems to be more common than not. Do be careful there.

The last bit about would she take the kids away..........well yes of course she could, and probably would - in that she would almost certainly get custody of them. In fact, in an "acting like adults and sitting down talking about it" sort of divorce, this they would agree between themselves, and it is a fact that in most cases, women are a bit better at taking care of kids than men. It's biological and cultural. Not in all cases obviously - I'm sure we all know cases of some feckless bag who has no idea, but anyway.

What is near certain (If this is maybe your worry - or perhaps the story he's giving you) is that she's highly unlikely to take the kids and leave for the Philippines. Why on earth would she do that when she wants to remain here, she has a British citizenship, and therefore would be eligible for a raft of benefits.
A mother living on her own will almost certainly be better off then when she was married, unless he had a highly paid job. This is especially so if she is working 16 hours or more.
Is she going to leave all this and go off to somewhere with not much money? As if!

Lastly, I'm certainly not giving lectures about breaking up marriages, no way. It takes two to do that, he has chosen to meet you, so it's not you. You just want the best for yourself - and him.

I am on your side, and not giving lectures about that. I am just frankly worried this is yet another married man using you for his own little fun, and has no intention of treating you right.

[grahamw48]

I am on the side of the innocent children who's lives you seem happy to destroy.

I also consider the fact that you've been 'together' for 2 years without informing his wife to be both cowardly and selfish behaviour.

[joebloggs]

I am on the side of the innocent children who's lives you seem happy to destroy.

if the marriage is basically over, is it good for the kids to be in that environment ?

[Dedworth]

Has anyone been in this situation or do they know if she could take his children away? Any replies would be gratefully received - thanks in advance!

I'd imagine it's a standard UK child custody situation following separation/divorce. The parents need to agree or go legal with it

[Michael Parnham]

My opinion is, if the man really loves you and his marriage has failed, why hasn't he already divorced and given up everything moved in with you? knowing that as a British citizen he's free to do that, be careful very careful and good luck!

[grahamw48]

if the marriage is basically over, is it good for the kids to be in that environment ?

But we don't know what the present environment is Joe....maybe happy families, since there is so much deception going on.

[sars_notd_virus]

They are aged 12 and 4.
He is prepared to give up everything to be with me - his rights to the house and shared finances, possessions etc but I would hate for him to lose his children too.

sorry i doubt the sincerity of your boyfriend, if he is really prepared to give up everything then get a divorce straight away,...now, if he is afraid that the children will be taken out of the country then he can file a petition to the court for the surrender of the childrens passport (if he really fears that they'll be taken out of him)...
anyway, the law here is so different than in the PH , since you said that your bf is prepared to give up everything for you , after the divorce , it doesnt stop him paying the child maintenance/child support for the kids which is both under 16.
It is illegal to neglect your responsibilities in the UK.

[malditako]

filipino guys loves to womanize even they are married...having a mistress is quite common. Though some married filipino man manage to leave their wife and children for another woman which is very rare, they always end up breaking the affair and stay with their family especially if there are kids involve. Just like food they just love to taste different recipes and after sometimes go back to the food they have used to have. be careful...sometimes so called love can be deceitful.

[Tawi2]

Just like food they just love to taste different recipes

Kabit adobo

[joebloggs]

But we don't know what the present environment is Joe....maybe happy families, since there is so much deception going on.

maybe, but if the parents are thats no good for the kids

[Tawi2]

Louise,in all honesty your probably his cake and he is eating it

Their relationship broke down many years ago but they stay together because of the children

I wonder how many mistresses have heard that one I am not being judgemental mate but he is telling you exactly what you want to hear,marriage is broken down,only together for the kids,yadda...yadda...yadda,,,give him an ultimatum and stick to it,not 2015 or anything stupid,give him a couple of months then return and tell us your living together in bliss,but something tells me in 3...6...9....12 months he will still be with his wife and kids,brutal but an educated guess.

[marga]

i agree

filipino guys loves to womanize even they are married...having a mistress is quite common. Though some married filipino man manage to leave their wife and children for another woman which is very rare, they always end up breaking the affair and stay with their family especially if there are kids involve. Just like food they just love to taste different recipes and after sometimes go back to the food they have used to have. be careful...sometimes so called love can be deceitful.