A very late, Freds 2012 joke thread.

[fred]

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

[fred]

'none of our swimmers have taken drugs', said chinese swimming coach Che Ting Fuk

[fred]

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team after realizing that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

[fred]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris, that a new bell ringer was needed

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews, personally, and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous

'You have no arms!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps and when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure; drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before

As they silently parted, to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied;

' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame


The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday


I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him, in this duty'


The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot


Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief, at this second
tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side


'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked, breathlessly


'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but..'


'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

[fred]

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work; if anything it made him more sluggish.

[fred]

Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen.

She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"

I said ....."My glasses."

[fred]

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

I turned around and replied,"So now you want me to stay?"

[grahamw48]

Very good....cheers Fred.

[Anakin]

Looking at the medals table.....
there's a massive gulf between the USA and Mexico

[grahamw48]

Plenty of Mexican waves there though.

[fred]

There has been speculation that 16-year-old Chinese swimming sensation Ye Shiwen used performance-enhancing drugs to achieve her Olympic gold medal. However, a semen sample she provided after the race has shown that this is untrue.

[fred]

SIGN LANGUAGE


Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was about to take a shower.
Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake... he yelled up to his wife, Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear him and she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
Then his wife wasn't sure and said
"What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast,
then she points to her ...., and finally to her snatch.
Well, there is no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies



"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"

[fred]

4496KrSYD.jpg

[fred]

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day
and so she took some Epsom salts to pass the time away
But though she tried, and tried, and tried she couldn't make time pass
So if you want to know the time

just look up Mary's ....

[mickcant]

Thanks Fred
Mick

[grahamw48]

Some great ones there Fred...you RUDE person.

[fred]

Thanks Graham.. This ones only a little bit rude...


A guy was out hunting, but as he drew his gun he accidentally shot himself in the genitals.

A few hours later he woke up in hospital and was approached by a doctor, who said..

The good news is that youre going to be OK. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so Im going to have to refer you to my sister.

Your sister? Is she a plastic surgeon then doc?

Nope, shes a flute player, but shell teach you where to put your fingers so you dont piss on your face.

[fred]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F"

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T"

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

[grahamw48]

That put a smile on my (normally miserable) morning face.

[fred]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

[fred]

There was a knock on the door thismorning.



I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."







I said "Come in and sitdown."






I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"






He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

[grahamw48]

That's my kind of joke Fred.

[fred]

Drunk Driver - True story from Australia

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy

[fred]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

[fred]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

- - - Updated - - -

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

- - - Updated - - -

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,
so I gave her a shove and she fell over.

[Arthur Little]

... BRILLIANT collection, Fred ... in fact, you merit a *STAR for it!

[Arthur Little]

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day
and so she took some Epsom salts to pass the time away
But though she tried, and tried, and tried she couldn't make time pass
So if you want to know the time

just look up Mary's ....

... reminded me of this one:-

Mary had a little lamb
She ALSO had a bear;
But tho' I've seen her little lamb
I have never seen her bare!

[Arthur Little]

Fred ... beside yours, my looks 'a little' thin ... almost Fredbare!

[fred]

Thank you Arthur!! Never thought I`d get to see such a huge blob.

[andy222]

Superb fred.