Fred`s 2011 joke thread!!

[fred]

Crickey...Is it that time of year already?? Better get going then..
Nice PC one to kick off..



Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds; I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.

[Doc Alan]

Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, here's a STC (Senior Texting Code)
* ATD At The Doctor's
* BTW Bring The Wheelchair
* BYOT Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI Driving While Incontinent
* FWB Friend With Beta Blockers
* FWIW Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM had Good Bowel Movement
" IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On ?
* LMDO Laughing My Dentures Out
* ROFL ...CGU Rolling On The Floor Laughing ...Can't Get Up
* TTYL Talk To You Louder
Only problem is ... remembering them !

[grahamw48]

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

[Dedworth]

Bloke goes to a brothel.
''How much do you charge for total humiliation?'' he asks

The Madam replies £42.50

The bloke is clearly pleased at the price given and enquires further ''wow that sounds like a bargain, what exactly do I get for that?''

''A replica Liverpool FC shirt to walk around in'', she replies

[fred]

Why is there always one that always wants to spoil the picture?

[fred]

Jasper the Great Dane was down at the Vets when he got chatting to Rory the Jack Russel.
Jasper - Hi Rory what are you here for?
Rory - Well I hate cats and I saw my chance and attacked our neighbours cat giving it a good thrashing.
Jasper - Well why are you here?
Rory - I'm going to be castrated in an attempt to control my aggression.Why are you here?
Jasper - Well the misses was bending naked over the bath and I just couldn't control myself.Up I jumped and gave her one doggy style.
Rory - Wow I suppose you're for the chop as well?
Jasper - No I'm here to have my nails clipped.

[fred]

A bloke notices a tasty bird givin him the eye in the supermarket. 'do i know u?' he asks. she says 'aren't u the dad of 1 of my kids?' he thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says 'were u the hooker i ****** over the pool table at my stag do while ur mate spanked me wi a piece of wet celery while shovin that massive cucumber up my ****?' she stares at him and says 'no, i'm ur daughter's teacher.

[fred]

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"*******s!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate,"... I handed him my tenner and left.

[fred]

Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!”

The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny ******* you!”

Guy replies “No seriously, the football starts in 2 minutes... **** off upstairs!”

[fred]

I was in a shop and a man was throwing milk cheese and yogurt at me

I thought how dairy!!

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

After the humiliation of losing the ashes bar owners in Queensland have reported customers are finally starting to drift back.

[fred]

Pouring boiling water into a teacup after adding milk is simply a hangover from the days when boiling water would crack cheap cups

[fred]

England and Australia wore black armbands during the 20-20 match in Adelaide in respect of the flooding in Brisbane and Queensland.

Better safe than sorry.

[fred]

[Doc Alan]

My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs .

[AnaWallace]

I approached this fat bird in a nightclub and asked if she had a pen,
she was all excited about the fact a man had shown a interest in her, so she gave me a smile and said "yes i have"
I said " Well you better get back in the ****** before the farmer discovers you got out"

[les_taxi]

I was in a shop and a man was throwing milk cheese and yogurt at me

I thought how dairy!!

Yes he complained his wine tasted off-I said it's just sour grapes

[fred]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day
and all the patients were shouting '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap
in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bugger poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[fred]

I got home from work early and found my wife on a porn site. I am going to speak to her about it when she gets home.

[fred]

I was sitting on the train this morning, a really sexy Thai bird sat next to me.
I thought to myself, "please don`t get an erection, please don`t get an erection".
But she did.

[fred]

thehusbandmusthavegothomeearly.jpg

[fred]

It's been announced that Elton John will be divorcing his civil partner, David Furnish. Apparently he has been having sex behind his back

[fred]

Outside every thin girl there's a fat man trying to get in.

[fred]

Has your wife of girlfriend put on a little weight over
the festive period?

If so, encourage her to walk three miles in the morning
and then three miles again in the evening. By the end of
the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away.

[fred]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says "I clocked you at over 80 miles per hour, sir".
The driver says "No officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar needs recalibrating."
The wife in the passenger seat says "Now don't be silly dear you know we don't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over to his wife and growls "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off and gave you a chance to slow down a bit"
As the police officer makes out the ticket for the illegal radar detector unit the man growls to his wife "Damn it woman why can't you just keep your mouth shut?".
The officer frowns and says "And I notice your not wearing your seat belt, that's an automatic £40 fine."
The driver says "Yeah well officer I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over."
The wife says "Now dear you know very well you didn't have your belt on, you never wear it"
As the officer is writing out the next ticket the driver again growls to his wife "Why don't you just keep your mouth shut!!"
The officer turns to the man's wife and says "Does your husband always speak to you like that madam?"
The woman says ...

...




"Only when he been drinking"

[fred]

THE EX-GIRLFRIEND STORY...



I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We
lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up
and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm
bit older and a bit greyer than when you last saw me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying

that she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.



........so I told her to **** off.

[fred]

[fred]

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to

say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the

road'