A Surreal Future Awaits - a bit of stress

[joebloggs]

Once you start giving, it becomes impossible to stop, which in turn becomes a vicious circle, as you now struggle, to afford a trip out there.

You don't owe anybody anything, at least until you have met.

wise words there

though i've been there and done the same thing, and like i said b4, we've been married more than 7yrs...


so ask for receipts and go and see her asap, that way you'll have a better idea Alan where you really stand.

[HopeUK]

"Wise words indeed, and thanks for all the advice on this thread, which I'm sorry to have "hijacked" "

That's okay man.. lol

For all those who have helped (including yourself Alan!) many thanks. The situation is ongong as I write. I won't slavishly bore you with the details as they are at the moment but we appear to be having more communication difficulties:


- a broken promise from Saturday of talking again online on Sunday

- A slightly innacurate "will be online to chat at about 7am her time" text which would have been at 4am local time rather than 11pm local time, as she'd said

- Her quick wall chat with a friend in Facebook at 4am, and not a single word back to my heartfelt message of support in her inbox, after all that fretting yesterday (yes, its possible she missed it, but not likely as she has said in the past that she hangs on my every message)


I have decided to let the ball lie in her court for a bit and see what happens..

[South-east boy]

Sorry to hear about more little hassles. Am a bit confused about what you said about the times & chatting!

I have to say that is one thing that bugs me is when you see that they have been online on wherever it is but not replied to you. Of course like you said it might have been possible that she missed it or didn't have time to reply, but personally I'd prefer a short message just lettting me know. Maybe on Facebook it's worth writing a little message on her wall saying that you have sent her a message to her in-box, then she won't be able to miss it.

These latest little hassle are all part of the problems that you get with LDR's and while I always start off trusting someone (as I don't think it's a good start if you don't), after what's happened before (& being lied to when they were meant to be strong catholic Christians, so I thought more honest) I'll be more cautious until they have proved to me that they are honest and true to their word.

Like you say, wait on her and see if she can keep a bit more to what she says & if she can't then to let you know, so you don't worry.

[HopeUK]

Hi SEB,

Let me clear up the time thing.. sorry. She'd added on the end of her "IELT problems" email that she would be online at 7am her time and perhaps we could talk then if I was still up (her 7am would be my 11pm GMT last night). I stayed up until 1:30 GMT (which would have been 9:30am her time) - from the Facebook timing on her "friend chat" which said "2 hours ago" when I looked at 6:00am my time this morning, that would have made her online activity to have been between about 3am and 4am, which would finally have been between 11am and 12 noon her time. You know how tricky the timing can be with these things.

As we seem to have agreed there man, because of the inherent comms difficulties we're having all I can really do now is wait and see if it sorts itself out.. or if there's a big string along happening - I do hope not because up to now she has seemed okay. Let's just hope it's me looking with "western eyes" and a lack of sleep..

[HopeUK]

The main source of stress for me in all this is that since she went to her mom's the personal emailing seems to have stopped. She has in the past gone a week or so and apologised before answering and conversing once more, but for about the past month all she's done email-wise is apologise and say that she will get to writing replies. We have text chatted but I kinda miss those emails to excitedly read you know? The Facebook wall note is an idea.. I just didn't think to do that - me eye usually goes to the inbox.. my fault perhaps with that one..

[triple5]

My last time in Phils I was chatting with a few expats who had been out there for years and there biggest gripe about filipinos was "breaking promises" and "poor time keeping". I wouldn't fret too much at the moment. Maybe she's playing hard to get until she sees some dollar

[triple5]

The main source of stress for me in all this is that since she went to her mom's the personal emailing she has stopped emailing me with any replies/conversations. She has in the past gone a week or so and apologied before answering and conversing once more, but for about the past month all she's done email-wise is apologise and say that she will get to writing replies.

tbh, that's not a good sign. Both SEB and I have been in the position where they vanished for a week, and it ultimately spelled bad news. hope its not the same in your case.

[HopeUK]

I know about the timekeeping thing in the Filipino culture - to be honest I'd rather us be a bit less anal than we are, rather than having us expect to change their ways.. it's just another cultural thing! - and this is coming from someone who is legendarily punctual and on the ball! BUT, as for money as I say (and I said this to her in last nights email, although I paraphrase here..), I would help at the moment if I could but the holiday has wiped me out. If the relationship proves itself when we meet I will be more willing to help her, and will likely be able to by then. I'm just averse to giving a relatively large sum of money out to a stranger - and with the best of my heart and all the will in the world, she really is still that stranger (more so if she isn't going to take the time to nurture our friendship). That sounds harsher than I mean it to. She has had a lot on her plate lately with her mom being rushed into hospital with blood pressure problems, but it has felt like a bit of a one-way street of late in spite of the fact that she may very well have been having difficulties "internet"ing in the province. She is back in Manila now though, thus my thoughts of "wait and see".

[Bluebirdjones]

Also .... ask her if she knows where Copenhagen is ...
... or if she's learning Danish.

Both of these are bad signs too !

[triple5]

I'm just averse to giving a relatively large sum of money out to a stranger - and with the best of my heart and all the will in the world, she really is still that stranger (more so if she isn't going to take the time to nurture our friendship).

Stick to ya guns

[HopeUK]

I suppose there might also be a possibility that I email TOO much..? lol

[HopeUK]

Yeah, cheers Triple5.. To be honest she does keep putting that she misses me and asks if I miss her into her texts when we have tried and failed.. the heart isn't really missing I suppose but it just feels like there coule be more "flesh on the bones".. I'll stick to my guns and see what happens.. Keep ya posted - thanks for the thoughts again guys/gals..

I don't think she's danish..

[HopeUK]

No probs Alan - hope the style comes together (for us all!!)

[South-east boy]

I do know that over there they have more Internet down times and black outs than we have here, so it could possibly be that. I guess it's not cheap for her to text you, so if you got the other mobile phone which is unlocked, then the smart or globe roaming sim card, then it would only be the 1pesos for her to text you. So then, although she might not have time to write a decent email or to chat on Facebook/Yahoo etc, she can't say that she doesn't have time to text you or that she doesn't have enough money to either as 1pesos os very cheap. I feel that if you did this, and she still is quiet, then there is a high chance something else going on and it doesn't bode well.

[HopeUK]

Yeah SEB I can appreciate the internet downtime - when we've chatted on Facebook she's logged off and changed cafe's before now, due to connectivity problems. As I say, we've had Chikka, which personally I think has been "variable" in performance but she has been using that - it was her suggestion to sign up to it actually because it reduced her texts to something silly like 1.50PHP, as you similarly noted. I told her about your suggestion with the roaming OFW's choice of contact in a recent email (thanks again for that - I've sourced play.com as a good site for unlocked sim-free phones!) and if ultimately all is okay between us I will be doing this - Chikka relays the network of the other person in the settings, so I perhaps inadvertently know which network she's on.. no probs. We'll just see what comes out in the wash. As an aside, if anyone has any personal ideas/recommendations on what a single guy can legitimately do to pass the time in Manila (without getting his passport confiscated) I'd appreciate some suggestions just in case.. lol. Joking aside though, thanks again and I'll keep in touch as and when things go up or downhill

[IainBusby]

Yeah SEB I can appreciate the internet downtime - when we've chatted on Facebook she's logged off and changed cafe's before now, due to connectivity problems. As I say, we've had Chikka, which personally I think has been "variable" in performance but she has been using that - it was her suggestion to sign up to it actually because it reduced her texts to something silly like 1.50PHP, as you similarly noted. I told her about your suggestion with the roaming OFW's choice of contact ina recent email (thanks again for that - I've sourced play.com as a good sight for unlocked sim-free phones!) and if ultimately all is okay between us I will be doing this - Chikka relays the network of the other person in the settings, so I perhaps inadvertently know which network she's on.. no probs. We'll just see what comes out in the wash. As an aside, if anyone has any personal ideas/recommendations on what a single guy can legitimately do to pass the time in Manila (without getting his passport confiscated) I'd appreciate some suggestions just in case.. lol. Joking aside though, thanks again and I'll keep in touch as and when things go up or downhill

I can't believe you have never seen this girl on a webcam, all of the web cafes in Phils have webcams and finding an single/available girl in Phils who doesn't have at least one yahoo messenger ID would be quite rare, especially in Manila, the suburbs of Manila, or any big city in city in Phils.

Yahoo messenger is the normal communication method used by Filipina's and westerners to conduct an LDR and it's hardly rocket science. I personally couldn't see myself conducting an LDR by text and email, they are just extras. From the first time I met my wife online, we chatted on messenger almost every day, usually for an hour or two at a time.

IMHO when a Filipina decides that she has found the right man, she'll move heaven and earth to get to that web cafe. More than once I can remember my wife eventually coming online distressed and in tears because there had been a brownout and she thought I might have given up waiting for her gone to bed already.

Take my advice, get yourself a yahoo ID and a webcam, invest some time in making it all work properly and then you will be able to chat properly with her, see her reaction to what you say and she will see how you react to what she says... Texting and email is far too abstract and unreal to conduct a successful LDR in my opinion.

[HopeUK]

Hi Iain,

I have seen this girl on webcam my friend - we did do a yahoo messenger connection and I saw her clear as day - for some unknown reason I couldn't do anything to get my webcam to connect at her end (I am an IT tech as it happens, and there was nothing I could do to remedy the situation). The guy presumably running the place at the other end did appear to have a poke about but it didn't happen, so we continued as we did and haven't really had an opportunity to mess about since - all that happened just prior to her having to disappear to the province to help her mom. As contact has been a litle spurious since then I suppose we haven't really had a chance or thought on to try again. I agree that it would be the best way of doing it but as she is reliant on cafe's for our contact it has I suppose been easier (not to mention tricky because of the sporadic contact) to not try again and just concentrate on that which has worked reliably for us thus far. I agree that perhaps we should have a go again (I had thought that recently), if we can get some regular contact going again now she's back in Manila. To be honest man, it wouldn't surprise me to find that they have a better than average quality of public connection provision over there than we do here, knowing the priorities we seem to have in the UK when it comes to good broadband (lol).

[IainBusby]

Hi Iain,

I have seen this girl on webcam my friend - we did do a yahoo messenger connection and I saw her clear as day - for some unknown reason I couldn't do anything to get my webcam to connect at her end (I am an IT tech as it happens, and there was nothing I could do to remedy the situation). The guy presumably running the place at the other end did appear to have a poke about but it didn't happen, so we continued as we did and haven't really had an opportunity to mess about since - all that happened just prior to her having to disappear to the province to help her mom. As contact has been a litle spurious since then I suppose we haven't really had a chance or thought on to try again. I agree that it would be the best way of doing it but as she is reliant on cafe's for our contact it has I suppose been easier (not to mention tricky because of the sporadic contact) to not try again and just concentrate on that which has worked reliably for us thus far. I agree that perhaps we should have a go again (I had thought that recently), if we can get some regular contact going again now she's back in Manila. To be honest man, it wouldn't surprise me to find that they have a better than average quality of public connection provision over there than we do here, knowing the priorities we seem to have in the UK when it comes to good broadband (lol).

I chatted to lots of different ladies before I found my (now) wife and decided she was the one for me and although there were bandwidth problems with webcams from time to time, on the whole it seemed to work most of the time. What seems a bit strange to me with regard to your lady friend is her (what seems to me from what you have said) lack of enthusiasm. I just couldn't imagine my wife, or many of the other girls I chatted to for that matter, being online and posting messages to someone else and not communicating with me.

[triple5]

all that happened just prior to her having to disappear to the province to help her mom.

that's what my first filipina gf used as an excuse when she was actually getting married Iain's right in what he says about the communication, not taking the time to reply to your message but others does seem a little strange if she's supposedly keen on you

[joebloggs]

Wise words indeed, and thanks for all the advice on this thread, which I'm sorry to have "hijacked" It also explains why on other threads I've had difficulty "lightening up" recently Yes, the figures are monthly (school fee = 4000php, apartment rent=5000php, electricity 2000php, water 700php, internet access 2000php, school "fare and food" 4000php, totalling 17700php. None of this is receipted. In the near future, the graduation cost and licensure examination ...
I'm aware of the low pass rate and on the Nursing thread have posted details about registration requirements for nurses wishing to work in the UK; even if they graduate they need to work a full year in Philippine hospital(s) first.
I've enjoyed learning from, and contributing to, the forum, and been reluctant until now to share my situation here. However, I've already said others have privately voiced their concerns By nature I'm compassionate
But you have all helped me decide : the vicious circle of giving more and more HAS to end, and I owe nothing more to someone I haven't met I really DO want to re visit the Philippines after many years' absence (President Marcos has long since gone) and it's suddenly become affordable

Alan, as i've said b4 i've done the same thing as you..

how did your g/f survive before she met you online Alan ?

why does she need you to pay for most if not all her bills now ?

take it one step at a time, your g/f has not even graduated yet, and will probably need time to revise for the PRC exam ( in nov?) like i said that should only cost 600php? so keep hold of your money until she really needs it.

it's always possible you're being scammed, more likely your being 'used' a bit ( as i think my misses did to me ) your g/f has gone from relying on someone else (parents???) or had to work to get herself thru uni, and now you've come along and everything is paid for her (i'm sure you've told her you use to be a doc and well she thinks your )

like everyone else has said, go and met the lady asap.

also be careful, don't accuse her of anything( not without evidence), a few times, i could have, nearly did accuse the misses of taking the , but i didn't and when i finally met her, and years later, I know i was never scammed by her, but maybe 'used' a bit

goodluck. and go and see her

[HopeUK]

Triple, Iain.. thanks for cheering me up guys!! lol.. I know what you saying - perhaps I'm just trying to find a little faith in the situation. It did wind me up somewhat this morning to find that she had come online later than she said she was going to, and hadn't left any kind of message, although in fairness it was more of a statement email passing my thoughts and moral support on to her regarding her recent problems, and didn't have any direct question as such except, ironically, a wish for her to keep in touch.. lol. Also I was looking at it on the back of four hours sleep. Her 'other conversations' were actually a couple of wall posts rather than full on email ramblings, so I guess any of us can jump in a Facebook moment and do that.

From the outset this whole friendship was formed on a random shout out and she has seemed as keen as mustard in our conversations that we get together, with fun emails about our daily lives and finding out about each other - the thrust and parry of very mild innuendo.. She was textually 'bouncing off the walls' when I told her I was on my way in April, sooner than either of us expected (I know you didn't mean it to imply relevance here, but this doesn't sound like a woman who is imminently marrying.. lol). I have made her "thump" as she has put it on more than one occasion, with words of romance and little real life connections. It doesn't seem possible that it's all been in my head - to read back the emails we have sent, they don't seem like the ravings of someone who is having a practical joke on a 'dumbass westerner'. We've struggled through the problems of getting online whilst she's been tending to her family matters at home, chatted through Facebook and made what I felt was a firm commitment (backed up by real actions) to get together. We've exchanged phone numbers and have talked to each other to keep in touch when it became really difficult to get it together - I guess I'm a little hesitant to call her, discretion being the better part of valour at the moment, because I might come across as a little confrontational in my tired state - something to be avoided with Filipina relations I suspect. I just don't wanna give up on her spontaneously because it may just happen to be that she really IS engrossed in trying to sort her bits out - she has after all just returned back to her home in Manila after a month away and now seems faced with an insurmountable problem of paying her IELT exam. Unless the last four months HAVE all been make believe?! Okay, I grant that fact that this morning has dented things a little, maybe mostly because I was hoping for some kind of response to my desire and inability to help her out financially - whether it be a plea or a sudden rush to deny any implications of seeking financial help in her message. On the other hand..

Might she feel that she is now trapped in an embarrassing situation regarding her exam and/or likely having doubts as to how to handle the problem?

Maybe she is questioning her faith in me as well, since I was forced by my honesty to admit that I couldn't help her in her moment of need due to me having exhausted my resources on getting to actually be with her?

Maybe she's trying to decide if I'm BEING honest when push comes to shove?

Perhaps she's a little pi**ed that I wasn't online or unable to help? (this one isn't quite her jovial and bouncy self though)

Maybe she simply overslept and made a quick best of a down situation?!!

That's a lot of maybe's and possibly's and I could probably go on. The relevant bit of her actual message read "but il b online tomorow morning around 7am. If youre available at that hour,my time. Perhaps we could talk. Imizu gav". Now, it reads like she was going on anyway and we just missed each other, yet again..

Time I suspect will tell. I've always stressed that we should be able to manage so long as we keep being honest and open when we do talk. I suppose I'm just not yet ready to believe that she is heartless enough to cast off, and to not even be able to say to me as a friend "I'm sorry but I can't meet up with you in April because...". Maybe (for me this time) it's me who's tired and struggling through the closing eight weeks or so just wishing it would come sooner.. Maybe I'm just tired? This last week has been pretty shocking, even by my standards.

[Sim11UK]

Just phone her tomorrow...you'll drive yourself crazy at this rate.

The boss sells phonecards, see above, or use 'Phone cheap' 0871 343 0009 9p a minute, to her mobile.

You wont have much of that hair left soon, if you don't.

[triple5]

Just phone her tomorrow...you'll drive yourself crazy at this rate.

The boss sells phonecards, see above, or use 'Phone cheap' 0871 343 0009 9p a minute, to her mobile.

You wont have much of that hair left soon, if you don't.

Hope Keith's paying you a commission sim

[Sim11UK]

Hope Keith's paying you a commission sim

I'm expecting a cheque anyday now, or maybe through paypal.

[sars_notd_virus]

I think your above paragraph, is the best way, to conduct your relationship. Seems to me to be the sensible route, to take, regarding money.

It's good you've got your trip booked, we all face the uncertainty, of how we will get on in person.
Another thing often overlooked, is how we actually react to being in the Philippines. For some people, for whatever reason, it may just not be for them. Getting over there earlyish, can help to iron a lot of these problems out & help to build the basis of a good relationship.

Meet ur girl in real...




'''DON'T BE SERIOUS....BE SINCERE'''

[HopeUK]

Hey Sim11, thank you for worrying about my hair mate.. it's all quite intact (runs strong in the family you know.. ).. a little silver here and there, but that's pretty normal too I assure you. Cheers too to Sars for your words.. It seemed appropriate to grab the bull by the horns where meeting in the flesh is concerned – as you say so much can remain unquantifiable without that personal touch – and at a natural point (scam or not) the chit-chat did reach a nexus. In the end it’s also the only true way to get a peek at the end of the rainbow, isn’t it?!

Just as faith was being tested, she dropped me her addresses for Manila and Lagazpi yesterday - ASIS (Assuming She Isn't Scamming - I decided to create an acronym just for this post). I’d suggested in a past email that being able to write a real letter to her would be a wonderful way to nearly touch for real. Ironically, it was a missing piece I was mulling over yesterday, as it happens. Cheers for the phone tip too - I usually call her through "Planet Numbers" or "Just Call" depending upon who's working best at the time..

Okay, whilst enjoying a particularly relaxing bath last night I tried to take all points in this whole situation and bring them together into a plan, which involves me both helping her and not helping her at the same time - affording me the chance to offer a genuine friend help in her hour of need whilst simultaneously keeping a possible scam at arm’s length. In view of her ‘difficulties’ I looked to the British Council site for information on the IELT exams, timetables and costs and have offered a cautious olive branch - I have suggested that as the timing of the exam is compromised by her "situation" anyway, that she should see it as a fateful opportunity rather than a nightmare. She has me visiting her in a few weeks time, so if it isn’t crucial that she passes BY March, why not delay the exam and avail herself of both the opportunity for further study, and a chance to learn from a real Englishman, possibly gaining extra valuable experience in use and pronunciation to nudge her score up a point or two? I admitted in my last email, which was basically one of moral support, that I couldn't help her right now (true) but in the interest of moving the whole problem forwards (thereby avoiding hair loss, Sim) I have since proposed that I may be able to “assist” her in a couple of months, ie. by April, ostensibly when we get together (also true) - not "pay for it in full", even though I will in all probability be able to - another possible sweetener to the olive branch which I could consider granting to her as a nice surprise if all IS beyond doubt and above board, family intervention notwithstanding (read on for this bit!). I figured by saying “assist” this would serve multiple strands of argument; as a genuine statement to the effect that I am not a bottomless well of money to be plundered/dipped into, whilst also helping keep her Filipina pride intact and give her a real chance (ASIS).

Like many who have been here before me, I'm trying to find a 'fine' balance in response to a difficult situation, where the honest Filipinas are trapped and the scammers walk - where the most successful place to pull a scam seems to be that grey area, where the honest situation and a downright bare-faced lie can become blurred, and consequently difficult or impossible to distil – in turn, the place where keen sense and faith play their part. Again, like most of us, it is with best intentions, and some of that faith, that I choose to do all this and it should grant me valuable time and real face to face experience to help better ascertain her motives, whilst at the same time appearing minimally mistrusting and non-aggressive toward her, should she be in genuine need of help in a bad time - something which to be fair a lot of Filipino's have experience of.

She has since replied overnight, with understandable happiness and gratitude (a possible scam alert I know, I’m not looking with tinted specs), but on balance she has quoted all facts as they are presented (the costs, exam details and her expected pass requirements) and is happy for me to “assist” - she didn’t say “pay for”, as a possible prompt. She has said that she can’t ask her friends as they too are on tight budgets (could go both ways in the argument but at least from her friends’ sides I would imagine this is likely), but I anticipate the possibility of having her parents at least attempt to meet me half way - my next suggestion. She is their daughter after all - and the outcome of this line will have its share of balances and judgments to be made too.

Being something of a Buddhist and looking at the overall pitfalls and potential promise, as well as the numerous accounts of both joy and woe (to quote a previous posted reply in here) I would consider £115 to be a relatively small price to pay (some accounts of HEAVY losses in this forum!) for the possibility of what so many of you can testify to as being one of the best things to ever happen. In all likelihood I have some karma to pay back anyhow. Maybe now is simply the nexus at which I cough up. I hope this goes some way to satisfying both supporters and detractors in my ongoing adventure.

[joebloggs]

I’d suggested in a past email that being able to write a real letter to her would be a wonderful way to nearly touch for real.

Being something of a Buddhist .

if your relationship does go further, snail mail makes excellent evidence when applying for a visa

i thought you might be a buddhist or something similar, you think toooo much

(coming from a veggy of nearly 30yrs )

and your post are sooo long , i've only got 30mins for my lunch break

but good luck

[HopeUK]

Yeah thanks for the vote of confidence Joe - Buddhist by nature I would say, not actual practising except for the beliefs in compassion, tolerance and patience (sometimes.. lol). Sorry about the length of these posts.. a lot to think about!

[arkwright]

I've tried to read all the posts so I apologise for repetition.
Why haven't you come here? If you search for a cheap flight, The Philippines is not an expensive ( but inconvenient ) destination.

If you come here go to the internet cafe's and see the girl's chatting on line to numerous "boyfriends". As a foreigner they don't want to speak to me, and I'm sitting next to them, Why? draw your own conclusions.

Would you give a stranger money on the street in your town? If the answer is no, then YOU have to come here and see for yr self

My g/f's family doesn't trust me as all englishmen are vampires (think peter cushing, hammer house of horrors 1970's) but I'm here having paid for the last year of my g/f degree and now paying for her brother education (1 more to come) and it's been worth every peso..

[pennybarry]

Yeah thanks for the vote of confidence Joe - Buddhist by nature I would say, not actual practising except for the beliefs in compassion, tolerance and patience (sometimes.. lol). Sorry about the length of these posts.. a lot to think about!

To be honest, I don't understand girlfriends who asking money especially if you have not yet met personally.
If I met my BF personally and he talks too much about money although I don't even asked,
I'll give him my huge NO to a relationship. Goodbye british!

Just give her your big NO if you think and talk a lot. IHMO.