The 2010 Joke thread

[Terpe]

WALLET SCAM WARNING!

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops.

They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and abuse you while the other attempts to steal your wallet!

I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!

[Terpe]

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM)
responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.
We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."


Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive
marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't
be able to blow themselves up."

A Spokesperson for England,Ireland and Wales stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the
emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslim men know what
an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[fred]

Nice one Terpe!!

[fred]

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fooks off.

[fred]

BUGGER!!!! I THOUGHT I WAS A SEXUAL DYNAMO UNTIL I FOUND OUT MY WIFE HAS ASTHMA.....

[fred]

BRITISH SURVEY
A recent survey in the United Kingdom
asked the following question:


Are there too many foreigners in this country now?


Answer:


18% said: YES


82% said:متضحك وبصوت عال!

[fred]

I went to the doctors complaining of problems with my hearing,

he asked "Could you describe the symptoms ?" i replied


" yes, homer is the fat yellow lazy git and marge is the skinny one with blue hair".........

[fred]

I once went out with a girl who had eczema.














She had cracking tits.

[fred]

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't
worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one
of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, Whispering:.....

.....








......






"Dave.............











Dave.............




















Dave, you're a ******* vet".

[Terpe]

fred,
keep em coming

[Terpe]

A friend of mine said that now he is 88 years old he has taken up Tantric sex because it's very slow.
His favourite position is called the plumber.
He stays in all day but nobody comes!

[fred]

A teacher at a George Washington Carver High school in South Carolina asks a girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's Soul Pole, my jaw gets sore and I hafta’ use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye!

[fred]

A man walks into Selfridges, and looks like a normal man in a big shop, a bit lost. One of those many assistants come up to him and asks if she can help.

"Urrm, yes, could you tell me where the women's department is please?"

"Certainly sir, it is on the first floor, the escalator is over there"

"Thank you"

On reaching the first floor, the man stops again and looks equally quizzical. Another assistant comes over.

"Hello sir, can I help you?"

"Is this the women's department?"

"Err, yes sir, what is it you are a looking for?"

"A Vacuum Cleaner"

[Terpe]

An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home.

The man turns to the woman and says,

"I bet you don't know how old I am."

She says,"Okay. I'll try"

She then unzips his trousers, feels around for a while and eventually says,

"You're 83."

"That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know that?"

The woman replies,

"You told me yesterday."

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

I arrived at my driving test to find I had a woman driving instructor. I got in the car:

"Okay, lets go over the basics - put your seatbelt on, adjust your seat, check all your mirrors and then we can begin"




Apparently, I was patronising her.

[fred]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[fred]

Just had a policeman at the door. He said, "It looks like your wife's been in an accident."

I replied, "Yeah I know, but she's got a lovely personality."

[fred]

oops x 2

[fred]

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, mallebale metal with an atomic number of 82.



I'm guess Im easily lead.

[fred]

adam and eve in the garden of eden:

eve says..adam are we black or are we white?
adam replies i dont really know..i will ask god

so adam goes to see god and says..are we black or are we white,

god replies..you are what you are.

so he goes back to eve.. and eve says.. well are we black or white?

adam replies we are white,
and eve says how do you know that,

adam replies.. because he said.. you are what we are

and if we were black he would have said..you izz what you izz

[fred]

Woman says to her Husband, 'You only ever want sex when you're drunk'

Husband replies, 'That's just not true. Sometimes I want a kebab'.

[fred]

there is a new diet sweeping across Pakistan..

It's called Swim Fast.

[fred]

I was out and got hit by a rental car today.

Bloody Hertz.

[fred]

A bar owner in Pakistan claims things are getting better..

He said some of his regulars are starting to drift back in.

[fred]

My mum thinks 'LOL' means 'Lots Of Love'

She just text me saying 'Grandma just died. LOL'

[fred]