The 2010 Joke thread

[fred]

Ordered a chinese last night, the chink turned up at my door and said £20 prease, I smiled and said "Can you tell me the name of Jordan's blind son?" He said " halfey price" I replied "cheers mate here's a tenner now **** off"

[fred]

TIP OF THE DAY.----------------Don't shag a Dwarf with Down syndrome.
It aint big and it aint clever.?

[fred]

A Chinese husband sues for divorce.
Judge: What's the reason?
Husband: Me no come, she no come, baby come, how come???

[fred]

711112.jpg

[fred]

[fred]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your brother won't let me in without a tie!!!!!!

[fred]

[fred]

[fred]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

[fred]

Movie Test
Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what
movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely
predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...


1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story


It is really amazing, isn't it?

[fred]

A man walks into a shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp please" the man behind the counter says "we dont sell wasps". So the guy says "well theres one in the window"

[fred]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

[fred]

Give £2 a month to a hungry African & what do they do?






Buy a ******* Trumpet.?

[fred]

"Vuvuzelas, sir - thousands of 'em!"

[fred]

Next time you blow one of those things, remember where it's been!

[fred]

I've started a new business making yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

[fred]

Baby face nelson.

[fred]

[fred]

^^^

I know....It looks like a treesome - but when you see the video on Yewtube... It is just a Beech taking it in the Ash..

[Doc Alan]

^^^

I know....It looks like a treesome - but when you see the video on Yewtube... It is just a Beech taking it in the Ash..

Good Fred, Thread

[fred]

[laurel]

Excellent as always Fred

[mikey73]

Two Dons supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Dons Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Dons Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Dons Fan 1: the sheep!!!
Dons Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

[mikey73]

Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

[fred]

Paddy s wife is involved in a bad car crash. In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook . The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compus mentus. No says paddy just third party fire and theft.

[fred]

A pal of mine went into his office in Hong Kong walking gingerly and informed his boss that he was finding it extremely painful merely to sit down. So the boss asked him to lower his trousers - which my pal did. "No doubt about it," said the boss, "but you have got a really large boil situated just between your scrotum and your arsehole. Forget penicillin - it takes too long. Go and see the Boilsucker of Kowloon."

So my friend made his way carefully down to reception and got a taxi into the depths of Kowloon and found a back street with a third floor surgery, approached by a ladder, with the sign: The Boilsucker of Kowloon.

My friend crawled up and was ushered in and asked to remove his trousers and lie down on a couch. Which he did.

At this point the Boilsucker of Kowloon wound a rope round my friend's ankles and winched them up to reveal the boil in question.

The Boilsucker then bared his teeth and bent over to get a proper grip round the base of the boil.

It was at this very moment that my friend let out a long sustained and audible fart.

The Boilsucker stood bolt upright and declared "Sah, why do you seek to make my work unpleasant?"

[fred]

A catholic man opens his new tub of margarine and in it sees the face of jesus christ.

His asian neighbour looks at it and says "I can't believe it's not buddha!"

[fred]

Hot Off The Press



More Devastating News From Pakistan...

















It's stopped raining.

[fred]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[fred]

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those
fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know,
and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the
final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could
feel instantly that this was what she was
waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I
moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was
fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned
ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with
enthusiasm, moaning with
despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too
soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing
climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and
passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the
darkness of approaching night, we lay
there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she
had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered



""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."


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