Marriage / Doubts

[landa]

i think the best way is to deal with it (if in doubt ..ask) ...

The problem is when i ask her about the uncertain things she just blocks, and even got a bit angry once. I mean somehow i think i can accept it that it's just things of her past that i dont need to know in detail.. but problem is it makes me doubt about her honesty.. i prefer to know the truth and deal with it, even if it might hurt a bit.. she can't tell me that with so much phone calls or sms's it was nothing.. but i also know that i'm a bit a control-freak, which is not so good too..

@Triple 5: Yeah, i have the "proof" that there was "no contact" between her and those two when i was with her. It was just 2 SMS's of one guy, which she didnt respond, and a phone call of the other one (only a short call).. which could proof that she doesnt want to be in contact with them which is a good thing.. i just dont know why i dont trust her completely... it's just because of all those small issues and things.. and also certainly because of the horrible stories you hear and read in the net about Filippina-Scammers. And some things about the scammers resemble the things about her.

Also one thing i didnt tell in the first place that she already had a relationship to a over 40 year old european in the filippines... she told me that she lost her virginity to him... also somehow hard to believe.. i just dont know.. i wish i just could trust her 100% and get happy with her.

In the end sometimes i think in a year or two i will look back at this thread (if it still exists) and laugh at my overly critical (paranoid) thoughts, because i have finally found my dreamgirl and live with her happily... i hope so much!

[landa]

We had a big crisis today... i need your advice/help...

She has internet now at home... and i just found out that she had chatted with other men... also with webcam... i have the serious thought that it could also have been with webcam-sex....

In our troubles we decided to give ourselfes the passwords to our yahoo-accounts...

i found out that she has certainly around 20 men contacts in there.. A lot of "hi.." "miss u" "need you" popped up when i signed in... I also found out from her e-mail account that she had another sort of boyfriend back when she was here in my country for a year- again it was BEFORE my time.. Yet though she didnt tell me NOTHING about all that.. when i confront her she's not even like sorry or something just tries to find an excuse why she didnt tell me..

I'm quite desperate now and dont know what to do.. i talked with her, she was already crying and wanted to break up with me.. and said that with my attitude (my jelousy) she couldnt marry me.. i'm still in love with her so i really gave my all to get her back, which worked and it ended in a good conversation and the feelings were good again.. still though now.. when i'm on my own i start to think again.. of how what i can do now.

Obviously these men doenst mean anything to her, but also obviously she had chatted with them recently and it wasn't just a nice everydaychat.. i dont think there would be "miss u" or "i need you".... there was certainly some sort of intense flirt or worse..

I just dont know if i really should break up.. since it doesnt mean that she doesnt love me... but on the other hand, it could just excactly mean that...

[joebloggs]

if i remember you have not met her yet , if so go and meet her asap because if you dont you'll both go and you will not last much longer

when are you planning on going to see her ?

had a nearly 100 contacts in my ICQ, mostly if not all nearly women

[landa]

if i remember you have not met her yet

nono, i have met her before. We were together about 3 months here..

But you really think i should not care about her online chatting?

[joebloggs]

nono, i have met her before. We were together about 3 months here..

But you really think i should not care about her online chatting?

sorry yes i remember now

3 months then you should both know if you have or want a future together

why is she chatting to others? what's her reasons? i use to be on-line 24/7 at week ends chatting to misses, i didn't have time to chat to anyone else..

what do you both want in the future ? any plans from any of you to get engaged or marry ?

[SteveTalaga]

I think that you have to accept quite a difference in cultures and give her the benefit of the doubt maybe more than you would consider fair. However, I would also delay any wedding until you are 100% certain that you are both made for each other. Weddings are very easy to get into but often not the right thing. Why not leave the wedding for another year and see if you are more confident then?

Good luck and remember, you don't have to rush into a marriage. If it's worth having, it's worth waiting for.

[landa]

:

why is she chatting to others? what's her reasons?

i wish i knew... but i'm quite sure it's because she's bored, she wants to have fun.. i'm quite sure she's not serious about these other men she chatts with... but what if she really has webcam-sex with them... i think that would be so unfaithful and would go way too far..

[Arthur Little]

I think that you have to accept quite a difference in cultures and give her the benefit of the doubt maybe more than you would consider fair. However, I would also delay any wedding until you are 100% certain that you are both made for each other. Weddings are very easy to get into but often not the right thing. Why not leave the wedding for another year and see if you are more confident then?

Good luck and remember, you don't have to rush into a marriage. If it's worth having, it's worth waiting for.

... Sensible advice! By all means remain in touch. But be ultra-cautious. And certainly, don't go rushing into marriage until you can be absolutely sure you're not being strung along!

[Sim11UK]

I think you need to get over there, if you want to continue & see for yourself, where you really stand.

[triple5]

but what if she really has webcam-sex with them...

How about passing her email address on to a friend who she hasn't met, get him to add her up and see if he can get her to indulge in some cam hanky panky. You need to find out somewhere or another what's going on, as it's obviously doing your head in.

[aromulus]

Even if you travel over, to puts some ghosts to rest, you will always be unhappy at being on your own when back in Europe.

You have to learn to be a bit more trusty, to me you sound as if jealousy is tearing you apart at the seams.
Ok, she may be chatting with other people, so what...??

Nothing stops you from doing the same.

You are in love with the woman.... Ok.... Give her some space then.
You are choking her with your possessiveness, and that may lead to heartbreak.

LDR = Long Distance Relationship.

It is hard to bear, it gets harder as you go along and near enough impossible when waiting for the visas....

So Chill out, have a nice and long meaningful discussion between the both of you on what you expect from each other if you were to become an item.

Do not, for one minute, assume that you are.

The meerkat has spoken... Simples.... (canna do the squeaky noise)

[pacificelectric]

Exploring each other's past as far back to your/her first experience may not be the best idea. Building trust is a long and painstaking process but once you have done it, you will feel much better and see much clearer! If possible focus on the present and the future....

[Florge]

Exploring each other's past as far back to your/her first experience may not be the best idea. Building trust is a long and painstaking process but once you have done it, you will feel much better and see much clearer! If possible focus on the present and the future....

I agree...

I feel that she is merely chatting with other people .. just because... I have friend who was also in an LDR.. bf was so jealous about her chat friends which are just plainly that... friends.. eventually, my friend broke up with him.. got fed up with the heartache the bf was causing her...

why am i sharing this? simply to let you know that it is normal for anyone to have online friends.. you can also do that.. no one's stopping you... but to think that your gf might be having cybersex with another man or other men.... is for me utterly utterly low.... do you think she is capable of doing that? if so, why are you still with her? but if you know her as someone who is loyal and true.. then by god, stop suffering and end all these ridiculous thoughts!

[torando]

Hi Landa -

These are common thoughts!! but here i am - with my love in england - maybey its just a part of a normal courtship - with the added pressures and different cultures - i cant say dont be worried thats normal -

The Dating site thing - been there - but again as one of the previous threads suggested if its past dont wry

The land topic - - have you been there~? cant remember from the thread but - if you havent go = amazing country and after 2 years I am actually purchasing a little land - not a a house (yet) - for both me and my filipino familys future comfort -(in the long run belive me its cheaper than all those hotel bills, and if like me you will almost imediately fall in love with the family and friends indigenious surrouddings)) Have you met the family?? Of course your prospective wife wants security for her family that goes deep in thier culture and perhaps might i say a little lost in england - and for sure all around the world there are people who wish this - theres my point of perhaps caution - be truthful - if your rich your rich, if your comfortable your comfotable, if your lonely desparate or otherwise just be sure to tell the truth - thats it! Truth - Understanding and embracing culture and above all be happy = = = = = === =

[beppe]

You need to cool down and review your situation with clear mind. I would adopt "wait and see" attitude and see how things turn out.

If after some time, you are still in doubt, don't do it, one door closes another one opens.

[Joshua.Thomas]

I once heard someone say "marriage is an odd thing, you may not always know if it's right, but you will often know if it's wrong". From the sounds of it you're not ready for marriage, and I know it sucks but it's important that you tell this to your girl. The truth is that yes, you can get married, or you can even just put it off, but if you marry her without being ready for it you're likely to break her heart in the end and if you just put it off you're getting her hopes up. It's important you tell her this, help her realize that by telling her this you're trying to make things right, doing anything else will just hurt her.