Pressured for a quick marriage...

[pacificelectric]

Hi folks,

I have a problem with my girlfriend from Davao: every now and then she pressures me for quick marriage while we already discussed that issue and agreed that I should visit her again in January and then we should proceed to the French Embassy in April/May to pass the compulsory interview and file the papers.

But, regularly she gets questions from office mates about our marriage plans and then she starts discussions over and over again. Recently one of her office mates brought her American boyfriend at the office and she was upset because apparently things are easier for Americans and they even can pay someone to do the paperwork. Well it is not my fault if European countries are pickier about immigration!

Yesterday again, she had dinner with an old friend of hers who has a British boyfriend who cannot even visit her because of financial shortage and she asked about our marriage plans and again my gf flared up and we ended up in a hot discussion about my visit and my plans.

I appreciate that a number of Pinays have been fooled by foreigners and left hurt and hanging but I am getting tired of that type of pressure from my girlfriend. I read an interesting quote on this very forum: “marry in haste, repent at leisure”! On top of that, my gf is a widow who in the past married her college boyfriend after dating him SEVEN years. Can’t she give me a few months’ allowance?

Like most of my fellow countrymen (I am French) I am not of the patient kind and I am getting worried about that type of insistence. We have known each other for one year but she has been “pakipot” for six months so I guess we have a rather short past experience and I need to know her better. The funny thing is that her own children are on my side on that issue but she just told me that they are not in her shoes.... Any suggestion before I totally lose patience????

[KeithD]

Blimey, if your having issues like that now, God help you when you have to live together

[bornatbirth]

this is the trouble when your gf chats to others with a foreign bfs and trys to compare.

these other ladies are telling her what there bfs are doing and your gf wants to tell them about her plans with you!....its a mixture of shame of not knowing and boasting to each other?

so thats why shes trying to pin you down,to exact dates.

my wife use to do the same to me and yes we argued too

[Tawi2]

Ask her not to make comparisons as your beginning to find them irritating,some pinays play these silly games,she looks at the hour glass and sees the sands of time running out,ask her to have patience or forget the whole thing(watch her tune change then)depends upon your character really but maybe you rushed into it a little quickly?I remember your initial misgivings,sure you had a great holiday with her but is that a foundation upon which to set up home?You have to sift a lot of gravel to find a diamond,some guys havent been with many women so grab the first one that passes like a drowning man clutching at anything to stay afloat,always take your time,perfection,or rather as near to perfection as damn-it is to swearing,is out there it just takes a while to findOr maybe some of us are too picky Ask her to slow down or scrap the deal is what I would do

[triple5]

Yesterday again, she had dinner with an old friend of hers who has a British boyfriend who cannot even visit her because of financial shortage

my gf has a big mouth at times. Seriously though, like Tawi says tell her to wait or scrap it. Tell her how much you enjoyed your time together and that you want more experiences like that before settling down.

[pacificelectric]

We just had a discussion and she said that sometimes she feels pressure from her office mates and friends, a Filipino attitude she calls "paki-alamero"... still I convinced her to follow the schedule we discussed already and made up again.....

[bornatbirth]

We just had a discussion and she said that sometimes she feels pressure from her office mates and friends, a Filipino attitude she calls "paki-alamero"... still I convinced her to follow the schedule we discussed already and made up again.....

you kissed and made up

you will find yourself with lots of these problems,instead of getting mad at her....try to think whats going on in her mind and understand the way shes thinking.

its always best to talk any problems through,it saves you both getting mad at each other

[Tawi2]

Paki alamero means meddling in other peoples afffairs Tell her officemates and friends are transient,they come and go throughout life,remind her a husband is a constant,a permanent fixture in a womans life,but only if he is treated right

[pennybarry]

How many times you've met her personally? Some Filipinas are always in a hurry to marry their white boyfriend.
I've introduced some white friends to some of my friends and they married on the first time they met. I was really against that and told my friends to know their BF well as I don't wanna be blamed in the end and will be hard to escape if you have kids, and feel you are hooked well.
Sometimes, I am partly blamed.

If your patience is not that long, you must tell your girlfriend about that. She needs to know your weakness and strongest points. You will be the one who will suffer in the end if she will leave you after your marriage. You will spend a lot for her and her kids,,, and in case she loose her temper and give you up, then everything will be gone.

There's no harm in knowing her better especially if she has kids.
Tell her to ask you a thousand questions about you and your behaviour before she make decision to marry you.

[joebloggs]

Blimey, if your having issues like that now, God help you when you have to live together

no probs we had worse issues than that, and are still living together after been married 7yrs and 1 day

[pacificelectric]

How many times you've met her personally? Some Filipinas are always in a hurry to marry their white boyfriend.

I met her once in September and everything went fine but I do not want to push things too fast. I am convinced she is sincerely in love with me and her actions prove it better than words but she also has anxieties at time, especially when questioned by other Pinays. I understand that other Filipinas can be jealous and envious when one of them has a foreign bf and she even fears that when we go to her working place I could be "snatched" by some other women! But don't worry, I find myself surprisingly patient with her....

[whiteraven]

i had the same problem with my wife before and after we were married, friends and workmates asking her when getting married when getting visa. constant pressure which she finally resisted even from relatives as she saw my point of view. they sometimes take time to understand our reasons for being on the cautious side but usually come around. seems you have things sorted for now but if this happens every time you need to make a decision then your in for a long slog

[JimOttley]

I met her once in September and everything went fine but I do not want to push things too fast. I am convinced she is sincerely in love with me and her actions prove it better than words but she also has anxieties at time, especially when questioned by other Pinays. I understand that other Filipinas can be jealous and envious when one of them has a foreign bf and she even fears that when we go to her working place I could be "snatched" by some other women! But don't worry, I find myself surprisingly patient with her....

I get the same, my Ana is constantly asked by friends and relatives why we are not married yet and why do we not have our own house and why do we not have our own car, why do we not have a business in the Philippines, your partner is a westerner how come you don't have happy life, you been with him many years now.

They torture her even some members of the family do that though not immediate family, I really feel for her but it spills over into arguments between us as part of her forgets all her personal issues that we have been fixing over the last five years. Oddly in my case too the family are mostly on my side they know I am doing my best but Ana gets caught up in the "keeping up with the Jones' " snobbery that exists so much in the Phils.

Take your time sir, I think you need a lot longer and a good many more visits to decide, remember that even after you are married the comparisons can keep on coming, the wonders of modern communication

[Arthur Little]

Hi folks,

I have a problem with my girlfriend from Davao: every now and then she pressures me for quick marriage while we already discussed that issue and agreed that I should visit her again in January and then we should proceed to the French Embassy in April/May to pass the compulsory interview and file the papers.

From memory ... the pair of you certainly looked happy and comfortable enough together in the pics you posted following your first trip in September. But there again, photographs in themselves being superficial, they can be - and often are - contrived.

Nevertheless, the overall impression I got at the time was, that things had gone well with the pair of you ... considering your earlier "reservations". And now it seems as though you're having further doubts. If so, then in fairness to you both, you really need to think long and hard about whether or not YOU want the relationship to continue.

[Arthur Little]

Hi folks,

... apparently things are easier for Americans and they even can pay someone to do the paperwork.

This is definitely NOT the case ... if anything, it's a great deal more difficult for an American citizen to bring his non-western spouse to the United States!

[antony73]

pacificelectric - I'm not sure about the "do it my way or it's over" approach, especially if you don't mean it, even if you did, it's not the way successful marriages work.

Face is important, dates give face. And as already has been said, many many Asian women get messed around SO much by men, it's understandable that when they find a nice genuine guy, they want to grab hold and don't want to let go, they need marriage.

I don't advise an ultimatum, just patience and understanding. As user Florge recenlty said to me, "explain to her that you shouldn't be rushing things... but also assure her of your commitment in your relationship."

[Tawi2]

A lot of asian women are messed about by guys Antony,thats true,but the traffic flows both ways,its totally reciprocated,sit in a cyber cafe in Manila or Cebu,keep your eye on some of the screens some of the shy,demure,butter wouldnt melt ladies

[pacificelectric]

Thanks for your comments. I made my point clear but at the same time assured her of my commitment and she also promised to be less influenced by her female friends. At the same time, how can I resist such a woman????

[antony73]

tawi2 - you are right, the trafic does flow both ways. I seems this is the inherent danger of internet dating.

I suppose some of the girls I spoke with, got to know over time and had telephone conversations with, thought I had messed them around when I never followed up with a relationship. I didn't want to mess anyone around, just wanted to get to know them before I made a commitment for a gf. And I suppose that some of them were the "smiling assasins," "butter wouldn't melt" types, leading me on. Who knows? It can be dangerous out there. You're right.

pacificelectric - Nice pic! She looks absolutely great! All the best with your relationship mate. Hope all works out

[bornatbirth]

I get the same, my Ana is constantly asked by friends and relatives why we are not married yet and why do we not have our own house and why do we not have our own car, why do we not have a business in the Philippines, your partner is a westerner how come you don't have happy life, you been with him many years now.

They torture her even some members of the family do that though not immediate family, I really feel for her but it spills over into arguments between us as part of her forgets all her personal issues that we have been fixing over the last five years. Oddly in my case too the family are mostly on my side they know I am doing my best but Ana gets caught up in the "keeping up with the Jones' " snobbery that exists so much in the Phils.

Take your time sir, I think you need a lot longer and a good many more visits to decide, remember that even after you are married the comparisons can keep on coming, the wonders of modern communication

your quite right,unneeded pressure.

pacificelectric - I'm not sure about the "do it my way or it's over" approach, especially if you don't mean it, even if you did, it's not the way successful marriages work.

Face is important, dates give face. And as already has been said, many many Asian women get messed around SO much by men, it's understandable that when they find a nice genuine guy, they want to grab hold and don't want to let go, they need marriage.

I don't advise an ultimatum, just patience and understanding. As user Florge recenlty said to me, "explain to her that you shouldn't be rushing things... but also assure her of your commitment in your relationship."

Thanks for your comments. I made my point clear but at the same time assured her of my commitment and she also promised to be less influenced by her female friends. At the same time, how can I resist such a woman????

its good to see that you sorted things out,just try to understand her more

[whiteraven]

very nice looking lady, well worth the time and effort to get things right

[vbkelly]

Hi folks,

I have a problem with my girlfriend from Davao: every now and then she pressures me for quick marriage while we already discussed that issue and agreed that I should visit her again in January and then we should proceed to the French Embassy in April/May to pass the compulsory interview and file the papers.

But, regularly she gets questions from office mates about our marriage plans and then she starts discussions over and over again. Recently one of her office mates brought her American boyfriend at the office and she was upset because apparently things are easier for Americans and they even can pay someone to do the paperwork. Well it is not my fault if European countries are pickier about immigration!

Yesterday again, she had dinner with an old friend of hers who has a British boyfriend who cannot even visit her because of financial shortage and she asked about our marriage plans and again my gf flared up and we ended up in a hot discussion about my visit and my plans.

I appreciate that a number of Pinays have been fooled by foreigners and left hurt and hanging but I am getting tired of that type of pressure from my girlfriend. I read an interesting quote on this very forum: “marry in haste, repent at leisure”! On top of that, my gf is a widow who in the past married her college boyfriend after dating him SEVEN years. Can’t she give me a few months’ allowance?

Like most of my fellow countrymen (I am French) I am not of the patient kind and I am getting worried about that type of insistence. We have known each other for one year but she has been “pakipot” for six months so I guess we have a rather short past experience and I need to know her better. The funny thing is that her own children are on my side on that issue but she just told me that they are not in her shoes.... Any suggestion before I totally lose patience????

sounds not romantic if the woman ask to the man for married, anyway thats what gonna happen if lot of people are "paki alamero" into your relationship tell her don't listen to them.

[September]

Fair enough, beautiful !! how young(old) is she?

[Arthur Little]

Fair enough, beautiful !! how young(old) is she?

50, I believe. But don't quote me ... some ladies do not like their ages being discussed!

[pacificelectric]

Yes, 50..... but she looks quite younger!

[Arthur Little]

Yes, 50..... but she looks quite younger!

She DOES! ...

[vbkelly]

Thanks for your comments. I made my point clear but at the same time assured her of my commitment and she also promised to be less influenced by her female friends. At the same time, how can I resist such a woman????

she is familiar to me thou where in davao she live?

[South-east boy]

She DOES! ...

And me! I was quite surprised when it was said that she was 50! The Filipina lady I saw last year was 39, but looked about 10 years younger.

[Florge]

well... just be straight with her.. i was like that before... but fiance just kept reminding me to stick to our plan.. and I did... don't be influenced by her bickering.. she'll come to her senses after that anyway... hehehe...

[applered1979]

hope everything works between both you.

everything will fall in a right place and time.

since you really love her, i know you will have more patience left.