just been given too much truth......

[pacificelectric]

Some members of this forum complain they are being given lies, my own plight is that I have been given too much truth..

I hesitated before putting this issue public but I understand there are a number of Pinays and people familiar with Pinas here who probably have certainly a better understanding of such situations.

When my GF and I started discussing and getting interested in each other she just told me she had been a widow for 13 years and after that, she had dedicated her life to her children. I never asked for more details but at some stage she felt that I was being idealistic about her and she decided, out of honesty, to disclose to me her secret: two years after the death of her husband she had a relation with a man.

She explained to me that two years after her husband’s death she was approached by a casual friend of her late husband who told her he had seen her at the funeral wake and he wanted to know her better.

That man was married but separated and she saw him not alone, but as part of a group of people and he showed “great kindness and concern” to her. After some time he told her he was interested in her and wanted to live with her but she was not ready for a commitment and she never let him in her house. On one occasion, while giving her a ride back home he proposed to stop at a hotel but she refused. She still saw him again, under the same circumstances, and he reiterated his proposal and that time she gave in.

She again saw him and accepted his proposal again to stop at a hotel because, she said, she wanted to "assess her feelings". But she realized she still missed her husband and feared for her reputation and that of her children so after being intimate with him twice she refused to see him again and stayed away from men until now. She also told me she confessed to a priest and repented.

Still the revelation of that story plunged me in doubt and confusion. She explained me that she was in great confusion at the time and strongly suffered the death of her husband and more less gave in to that man out of gratitude for the interest he had showed her and because he used to give her groceries to help her. I still felt insecure and upset at the idea she had been so loose that I asked her to have a medical check-up for venereal diseases before my visit. She did and of course the results were negative.

I must admit I overreacted and should perhaps forget about that story but I felt upset about the story itself and also because she seemed not to measure the consequences for me. Now she starts realizing she should have kept that secret buried for ever but now it is too late and coping with it is not easy.

i am curious to find out what the Pinays on this forum think of this? My personal idea is that she has fallen prey to a man who took advantage of her vulnerability as a young widow to abuse her and engage in sex. He said he saw her at the wake and still waited two years to approach her, which I find weird. She also said she maintained that relation “discreet” but at the same time saw that man among other people which implies they discussed private matters while others could overhear. I also find it difficult to swallow that she was so easy to convince to stop at the hotel just for the sake of quick sex as she had young children at the time and on both occasions did not stay overnight with that man.

I may sound too conservative but I also felt shocked she accepted that knowing that even that man claimed he was separated he still had a wife. This was ten years ago, and I wish she had never told me. She never told anyone, especially her children. She said she needs her children to respect her, but what about me?

Honestly that story has deeply disturbed me to the point I have ideas that she could in the future fool around with other men and of course she assures me that she is different now, and willing to a life commitment with me and to be fair and honest I accept that she has been very disturbed by her early widowhood.

The funny thing in a way is that she told me that secret thinking that western men are more liberated and broad-minded and she realized a bit late that I am conservative and mentally rigid. I am interested in comments about how to manage this, and does the whole story make sense???

[Tawi2]

The story makes total sense I could tell you things that would make your toes curl but they were all way back in the mists of time,classic example......"Yes I am a virgin" doesnt always mean "I have never had sexual intercourse with a man" In pinoy speak,especially in the provinces it can also mean "Yes I am a virgin(because I have never slept with a westerner,only a pinoy)" complex huh?Your girlfriends a woman,women have needs whatever we think,10 years is a long time,he was a guy who showed concern,she felt flattered and warmed to him a little,it happens all the time,just because some guys have this conceptual myth that all pinays are chaste maidens doesnt mean its true,thats a fact.Your woman had sex with a guy after the demise of her husband and before you came onto the scene,we all have history,and thats all it is,History,yesterdays history,tommorrows a mystery,live for today Your off to samal soon,enjoy your trip

[pacificelectric]

OK, but why would she need to disclose that to me something that happened ten years ago? Even a woman with low intelligence (which does not apply to her) would feel that this is the best way to generate problems and shatter confidence inside a starting relation, and she threw me her "secret" in the face like she is doing me a big favour! Is that pinay culture also??????

[Tawi2]

Can I add something I dont think saying she is "Loose" and asking her to undergo a VD check is entirely fair,have you ever had sex outside marriage Goose and Gander

[Florge]

I applaud your gf for being totally honest.. I would also do the same for the man I love as I would not want to hide secrets from him... as a sign of respect for him, I think my man deserves to know the whole truth.. i'd rather that I tell him than he finds out about it while I'm talking in my sleep... lol

[Tawi2]

OK, but why would she need to disclose that to me something that happened ten years ago? Even a woman with low intelligence (which does not apply to her) would feel that this is the best way to generate problems and shatter confidence inside a starting relation, and she threw me her "secret" in the face like she is doing me a big favour! Is that pinay culture also??????

It IS pinay culture,theres no rhyme and reason to them somedays,they arent western,they are eastern,they think differently about certain things,but maybe she just wants to tip everything out of the box and let you look through it before you get there,is it such a big deal that she had sex with a guy?Sex is a biological need,its important for mental health and well-being,as you will find out when your there,dont stress,just go with the flow

[miss.piggy]

OK, but why would she need to disclose that to me something that happened ten years ago? Even a woman with low intelligence (which does not apply to her) would feel that this is the best way to generate problems and shatter confidence inside a starting relation, and she threw me her "secret" in the face like she is doing me a big favour! Is that pinay culture also??????

Hello Pacific,

I had to use a calculator so as not to make any mistakes on my calculations. Your GF now is a widow for 13 years. The guy approached her two years after her husband's death -- that makes it 11 years ago. So now you are annoyed because your GF divulged this information with you?

I can consider myself conservative as well, Pacific..and that is my upbringing. But surely I won't take revelations like this the way you do. If I am your girlfriend, I will be very, very, very scared to tell you anything specially that you have the tendencies to get upset about my past. But how will you live with your girlfriend, knowing she's 50 and she's had a bit of story to share? Surely, the things she's got to share is there not to annoy or upset you. She's sharing them with you because she's considering you a part of her life now.

[pacificelectric]

i'd rather that I tell him than he finds out about it while I'm talking in my sleep... lol

What if he sleeps with earplugs????

Personally I would not agree and consider that some secrets are better buried forever. i also felt extremely upset when she told me she did not say anything to her children because she wants them to keep respecting her, thus implying that she does not really care whether I respect her or not. Of course I am not on the same emotional level as her children but still that comment hurt me quite a bit and by the now that she sees all the trouble we have been through she starts realizing she might have better kept her mouth shut...

[trader dave]

in my eyes fantastic she is being open and honest and she feels that you should know about her past i say it again FANTASTIC i dont like secrets

when i first started the relationship with my wife we discussed our pasts everything no lies .lets get everything out in the open now before we go any further into this relationship

the reason for that is some women /girls [and guys]do have a chequered past i dont want people telling me things about my gf/wifes past that she has never told me [and believe me others will ] so its cards on the table in the beginning you cant change the past you have to look forward but skeletons in the cupboard not a good idea

[Tawi2]

Have you been equally as honest with her and how has she taken it?Theres only so many pecadillos,trysts and indescretions a person can remember and 99% of those were spur of the moment or meant nothing beyond carnal desires

[Sophie]

OK, but why would she need to disclose that to me something that happened ten years ago? Even a woman with low intelligence (which does not apply to her) would feel that this is the best way to generate problems and shatter confidence inside a starting relation, and she threw me her "secret" in the face like she is doing me a big favour! Is that pinay culture also??????

Makes me wonder too That was a decade ago and i don't see any point talking about it now, after all this time.....
I even consider it as irrelevant to be honest....as it has nothing to do at all, with your relationship now, in my opinion
that was history and it should stay that way, and surely there is no need to go into details specially it's been ages ago
But probably she felt the need to tell you, so everything is out and so you won't find out about this other guy later on,
and you might question her for not disclosing this one before.....

I don't think she meant to hurt you or put you off by being upfront about it, although giving a detailed account of the story is no longer necessary...
But as a filipina myself, honesty is very vital in our relationship, we value honesty so much and we expect thesame thing from our partner....
The way i see it, she told you in good faith as she probably felt comfortable with you enough to tell you her secret, thinking you will not judge her for that....
My advise is, get over it and move on......that's the past already, what's important is now and the future ahead with her.....

[Tawi2]

Not all pinays are honest,some are liberal with the truth and some are downright deceitful(as a search on this forum will show)but your lady friend sounds as if she just wants to unburden herself to you before you get there so you start with a clean sheet (half the area probably knows anyway if she confessed and confided in the priest,they always have integrity and honesty ).See what happens when your on holiday,see how you feel,dont make snap decisions nor hasty judgements

[Sophie]

Can I add something I dont think saying she is "Loose" and asking her to undergo a VD check is entirely fair

I agree

[Tawi2]

I agree

Most women have had a partner or two,and some guys have had that X10 or X100 its just how life is played,but to call a woman your close to loose because she had a short term sexual fling with some random guy a decade ago isnt entirely fair in my book,but we all have different chapters I guess,it was a long time ago,she did what she did,move on,this is a fresh start

[Sophie]

Hello Pacific,
I can consider myself conservative as well, Pacific..and that is my upbringing. But surely I won't take revelations like this the way you do. If I am your girlfriend, I will be very, very, very scared to tell you anything specially that you have the tendencies to get upset about my past. But how will you live with your girlfriend, knowing she's 50 and she's had a bit of story to share? Surely, the things she's got to share is there not to annoy or upset you. She's sharing them with you because she's considering you a part of her life now.

Same here Very well said olivia

[jencha8569]

No offense but i think ur being unfair with ur girl.
She had told you her past so you can trust her
and she trusted you by telling her past. It happened
10 years ago its a long time the fact she done it with no
wrong i mean she didnt commit cheating as you said she
was alone and confused even if its for convience or
whatever the reason is its history. We all
have past either good or bad you have to accept
or slowly cope with it. Its hard and embarassing for
a pinay to tell she had sex outside marriage but
she was honest about it with you so it means she
wanted you to accept her coz shes starting a
relationship again with you. Maybe she didnt know
what u think about the topic, wasnt her intention
to get u hurt or upset.
Acceptance in every relationship is important. Asking
for the VD test is kinda embarassing i dont know if
i can take it. But i do feel for you, I myself is a conservative
type too but i want all honesty from my husband some things are
over the top for me but i accepted it.
I know its hard for you to accept what she had told
you but try to be more open and look not to the past
but to the bright future with her. Take ur time to
think things over and with ur feelings for her. It would
be good also if u both will talk more any thing under the
sun to understand each other more.

[Sophie]

Most women have had a partner or two,and some guys have had that X10 or X100 its just how life is played,but to call a woman your close to loose because she had a short term sexual fling with some random guy a decade ago isnt entirely fair in my book,but we all have different chapters I guess,it was a long time ago,she did what she did,move on,this is a fresh start

i'm with you on this one, totally

[pacificelectric]

Asking
for the VD test is kinda embarassing i dont know if
i can take it. .

I should have said before that knowing the reputation of some western men in the Phils I first sent her a scan of my latest and very exhaustive blood test to let her see that I was totally immune of anything weird and she agreed on reciprocating.

Now, is the unearthing of old corpses a prerequisite for any sound relation, I am not sure... I work in the legal field and I am in favour of what they call "statutes of limitation".....

[Tawi2]

Reputation of some WESTERN men Please,please,please dont disregard the rep's of the pinoy guys themselves,I dont think your ladies gentleman friend will have asked her to take a test nor worn protection himself before undertaking the dastardly deed They dont normally believe in using contraceptives like condoms At least quite a large percentage of western guys over there fear aids or some other STD and do indeed protect themselves instead of going bareback As for statues of Limitation,I am all for it But thats only for crimes,what your woman did wasnt/isnt/shouldnt be construed as a crime,she didnt know you were coming into her life,and is it a crime to be open about your past to someone when you come to trust them enough to reveal your guilty secrets(as she sees it).

[pacificelectric]

As for statues of Limitation,I am all for it But thats only for crimes,what your woman did wasnt/isnt.shouldnt be construed as a crime,she didnt know you were coming into her life,and is it a crime to be open about your past to someone when you come to trust them enough to reveal your guilty secrets(as she sees it).

Of course I do not see what she did as a crime, her own definition of it is "big mistake" and she nurtured such a feeling of guilt at the time that she stopped that relation right away. But I believe the general principle of statutes of limitation should be applied to these old stories in general.

And by the way it is because she got involved with a Pinoy who probably was not keen on contraceptives that I started worrying about VD.....

[miss.piggy]

Pacific, your girlfriend is trying to be honest and wanting to share her life with you. You should appreciate that, instead of making her feel like it's a liability to say the truth.

Statutes of limitations??? is there any criminal or civil issues here? None of her life history is obsolete unless she say so. It's not for you to say that she should keep all her secrets which occured beyond a decade ago.

[IainBusby]

She's a grown up woman and of course she has a past. You say maybe "she has fallen prey to a man who took advantage of her vulnerability", but even if it wasn't like that, maybe if she was just feeling very lonely and confused, still trying to come to terms with the death of her husband or maybe she just fancied a good Shg or whatever, it doesn't matter, it's something that happened years ago. I think the only reason she told you is that she seems to feel some personal shame about that period of her life. Don't you give her a hard time about it as well. Get over it.
Iain.

[jencha8569]

I should have said before that knowing the reputation of some western men in the Phils I first sent her a scan of my latest and very exhaustive blood test to let her see that I was totally immune of anything weird and she agreed on reciprocating.

Now, is the unearthing of old corpses a prerequisite for any sound relation, I am not sure... I work in the legal field and I am in favour of what they call "statutes of limitation".....

No such thing as being honest is a crime. Shes starting a frest start, give
her the chance to do so. Instead of being cheeky you should support her and appreciate her honesty. If u think you cant accept her past there is no sense in continuing what u both are having.

[Ana_may365]

i cant understand u,ur woman is being honest with u.is that a big deal for u?

[pacificelectric]

It's not for you to say that she should keep all her secrets which occured beyond a decade ago.

Under some circumstances sharing a secret comes down to imposing a burden to someone else. You enjoy instant relief and afterwards can face long-term embarrassment. Should I tell her that as a kid I looked under my schoolmistress' skirt??? (yes I did..) I believe that if you really want to look towards a bright future you should refrain to dig too deep into the past and when honesty means throwing old stuff on the table which will in no way make the relation deeper or richer, no thanks!

Anyway we will be face to face in three weeks and I guess we'll have other topics to discuss....

[aromulus]

Now, is the unearthing of old corpses a prerequisite for any sound relation, I am not sure... I work in the legal field and I am in favour of what they call "statutes of limitation".....

Sorry mate, but in my opinion you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

You should be grateful that she has been open to you and told you about her "mistake", and not resentful for whatever oldfashioned belief you hold.

Openenness and sincerity in a relationship go a long way, and I am surprised that you haven't told her of your past peccadillos and indiscretions, or amorous liaisons.
Why is that, then...???
Because, inwardly, you think it is alright for a bloke to go tomcatting, but not for a woman...?
Would she not have the same rights as you in the eyes of the law???

Don't forget the simple fact that she was not married when she did it, thus not betraying anybody but her own self respect and that of her kids if it came out.

Statute of limitations..... My .

She has shown tremendous courage in confessing to you what she only confessed to her God as a sin before.

You should be proud of having encountered a lady of such high moral standards.

I would make sure that she doesn't escape the net.

[miss.piggy]

What burden did she ever impose on you? That she had an affair with another man 11 years ago, way before she met you? Think about it Pacific, no woman would like to filter every story she would relay to her husband/boyfriend to ensure that what she's saying will be for a BRIGHT future. I am sure majority of women, be it a Filipina or other nationalities, will always want to be honest and clean and is hoping for the same in return. Sometimes, we say things as part of the conversation that is not meant to cause any issues at all. It will boil down on how the other party is accepting it. In your case, your girlfriend will struggle to get real and be herself if you will strain every word and just pick the history that sounds good to you.

Sorry, Pacific. I hope I am not offending you by giving a piece of my mind. At the end of the day, it's about you and your girlfriend anyways. Only you two can claim what's best for your own relationship.

[pacificelectric]

What burden did she ever impose on you? That she had an affair with another man 11 years ago, way before she met you? Think about it Pacific, no woman would like to filter every story she would relay to her husband/boyfriend to ensure that what she's saying will be for a BRIGHT future. I am sure majority of women, be it a Filipina or other nationalities, will always want to be honest and clean and is hoping for the same in return. Sometimes, we say things as part of the conversation that is not meant to cause any issues at all. It will boil down on how the other party is accepting it. In your case, your girlfriend will struggle to get real and be herself if you will strain every word and just pick the history that sounds good to you.

Sorry, Pacific. I hope I am not offending you by giving a piece of my mind. At the end of the day, it's about you and your girlfriend anyways. Only you two can claim what's best for your own relationship.

You are not offending me and as a matter of fact I expected some serious reprimand from some members but I guess I deserve it sometimes.

I just phoned her to tell her that I love her and she answered the same. So I am sure we will have a grerat moment together in Davao...

[joebloggs]

OK, but why would she need to disclose that to me something that happened ten years ago? Even a woman with low intelligence (which does not apply to her) would feel that this is the best way to generate problems and shatter confidence inside a starting relation, and she threw me her "secret" in the face like she is doing me a big favour! Is that pinay culture also??????

it depends how you look at it, she didn't have to tell you, shes been honest with you, but she wants you to know everything in her closet before you get serious, she trusts you enough to tell you, as you've said her kids don't even know. would you rather have not known?

have you told her everything from your 'past' ? i'm sure you would complain if you found out later, and you would say didn't she trust you enough to tell you, and but she has told you now and you complain

my misses told me she had a secret to tell me, took her days to tell me, i thought she had killed someone the way she was going on, finally I got her to tell me..... she had a 10yr old son,, i said is that it.. and just ( i later found out if she didn't tell me, her sister or mom would have )

go easy on her, because if i was you i would thank her for her honesty.

[Tawi2]

This is probably not true for pacific as he is old enough to know the score,but I have known guys,english,in the past who couldnt cope with their filipina girlfriends "History"(flip side I know a guy married to an ex-bargirl)even though she had only been with one or two pinoy guys,it dented their pride or ego Their girlfriends werent racking the figures up like Annabel Chong,just one or two local guys as boyfriends,funny thing pride,easily dented like a cheap car body