I have been in a long distance relation with a widow from Davao and in spite of some arguments and misunderstandings have been able to build something quite strong. For some reasons I have had insecurities because of her past as she has been married for 12 years before being widowed and now and then I had these fears that her past would interfere with our present and future.

Recently we had other arguments and things have become more difficult and perhaps because I am starting to wonder if this relation is really viable I decided today to discuss a topic which we virtually never discussed before: the future of her children once we would be married and after she would move to France with me.

She has three children: one daughter aged 23, a licensed nurse recently graduated, a son aged 19 who is studying to be a chef and a daughter not even of legal age, due to be 18 in March 2010.

So far she has been very open minded and willing to discuss freely and openly any subject, but when I asked her what would happen to her children after the marriage she immediately closed down and told me in an embarrassed tone that she was reluctant to discuss it as she preferred to wait until we would be together as I should visit her in September.

I politely but firmly insisted and she said that it would be better to discuss that later, perhaps after the marriage (!) and she said that normally in the Philippines you should not add an embarrassment to another one and since (she said) I have anxieties about her past I should not discuss her children’s future now. She’s 50, intelligent and smart but I am 54 and not totally dumb. I clearly sensed from her voice that she was just finding a cheap excuse to avoid the topic and when I ended up asking bluntly if she intended to bring her children with her in France she said “of course not”...

We parted a bit coldly and after she sent me an e-mail of which I am showing this excerpt:

i'd better discuss things about my children if we are alone and talking face to face. i dont want to make you anxious about them as for me its still too early. we have to meet first before anything else. i'm glad its already next month and i'm sure we can plan and discuss it openly when we will be alone. i dont want to add your anxiety coz i observed we still argue on my past and and you have not overcome yet your personal anxiety...

Quite smart indeed.... But this of course is interesting:

my family will not be a total burden to you. everything in the future that involves you, will be openly discussed and for you to decide of course.

My understanding is that what is not a total burden is a partial burden and this is probably what needs to be “openly” discussed....

I have never suspected her of being a gold digger even if she is not affluent but this recent incident on top of her frantic desire to get married as soon as possible are instilling some doubts in my mind..... I know that when you marry a Filipina you marry the whole family but I have read enough stuff on this very forum about quarrels and misunderstandings over “sustento” and financial assistance to the relatives to be careful and even if I am not kuripot I do not like to look at myself in a mirror and see the word “sucker” engraved on my forehead....