do you take this woman(+family) for your...

[cheesewiz]

on my part my main purpose of being here in UK mainly to work and help my parents as much as I could.

I understand what PAT concerned is, suddenly he got an extra responsibility which is shocking for someone who have no idea what he's into. Me and my bf start a chatting about it (sending money for family back home) I know he's a bit confuse but I am not rushing him to understand it as he said everyday he's learning new things about me and me being a filipino.

for some foreigners marrying a filipino is like marrying the whole family....either you Love it or Hate it? All the best and hope everything will be settle nicely

[keithAngel]

Thanks Jay,
We have spoken at lengh and both look here for answers
Having come long way in relationship and thought everything planned well for our matrimonial life together,I was happy to give small token payment every month to fiance s family,but now at this late stage,not only do we need to send money it has become my/our responsibility to do so

Only if you agree!!

What is your lady and siblings contributing to the parents now? If its a real amount relative to Fils incomes no reason not to discuss being able to continue at that level ground rules now could be a priority.

On a slightly off note but rather brilliant is the story I read elsewhere (in Tailand) of a guy

he'd not been that long married. One of his wife's brothers had got himself into a hell of a mess and run up a gambling debt equivalent to about a year's local salary - I'd guess at todays prices, the equivalent of about around 60,000 pesos. Naturally enough, according to the brother of course, his sister's new 'fabulously wealthy' husband via his sister, was the first port of call or port in a storm.

the American guy point blank refused. But he could see that this was going to fester and get worse and worse and be an issue if he didn't find some way to resolve it. So he stayed up late and thought things through.

in the morning, he made her an offer. The gambling-debt brother wasn't the only brother she had. He had six others, all of them of working age. He proposed to her that he'd give each of the six brothers 10,000 pesos apiece and they could then sort out their brother's debts between them.

the woman recoiled in horror. No way. They won't give it him. They'll just each of them keep the money.

to which he had the perfect riposte : 'If they don't even pass on the money, even when somebody has just given it to them rather than earned it, like I have, and they're his natural brothers, then why the hell should I?'

Food for thought seperating need from opportunism

[pennybarry]

Search SUSTENTO also this link might help you inderstand: http://www.british-filipino.com/sustento.html

My suggestion:
only give what you can... do not give so much...

When my hubby first visited me in Pinas, he have noticed about my life. I have my own house and lot, live alone and sometimes, my Mom live with me. Hubby said: I think we need to support Mom. I said, Mom still earns at 80, she is not a pensioner like your MOm. Although I still have 2 brothers and 1 sister who works abroad and send money to her, she is still my responsibility. Hubby understands and if I have no job, he sends some to my Mom. BUT ONLY TO MY MOM.

Hubby gives 80£/wk to my in-laws. I give 30£/week and the rest of my wages is mine.

In your case, I think you need to be a good observer before you decide about finance.

[nids123]

will for me i help my mum coz she is old already(85) and cant work anymore for her needs,but not all the tym all of us sibling hlep each other to sopport her.also we r not purse to do so if whiche one can afford to elp.also we dont send money to nieces nepew coz if u do that u just help them to be lazy we help sometimes not always,there is a sayong once u get married with pilipinos u also married with the whole family but that is defends on both of u.its ok to help but not to much.

[irobot]

Irobot..." Sunny... Different From The Rest..."

Wow.... What a can of worms you have opened ...but very interesting reading...Phil...

[GaryFifer]

No one helps my mom and dad pay their way so why should I expect my wife to be? Some elderly people find it an insult to pride too. A handout. Whats your view. It depends on generations view.

[PAT]

My fiance is breadwinner and will leave good job to be with me,thats why I suggest, long ago,a token payment every month to help parents and assume other family will take over the roll of providing parents, but i didnt expect the onus to be on us, as a married couple,to provide fully for parents or for my fiance to suggest,seemingly at the spur of the moment, extra work to this end.
Having thought well planned our matrimonial life together,we have discussed this at lengh and looked forum for answers.
There is one thing I am insistent in is, that I dont want a "part time wife" or seperate finances and any other monies required we need to work together for at our own small business as planned before.
Does this seem reasonable?My worry now is will there be enough to feed Mama and Papa?

[PAT]

My fiance is breadwinner and will leave good job to be with me,thats why I suggest, long ago,a token payment every month to help parents and assume other family will take over the roll of providing parents, but i didnt expect the onus to be on us, as a married couple,to provide fully for parents or for my fiance to suggest,seemingly at the spur of the moment, extra work to this end.
Having thought well planned our matrimonial life together,we have discussed this at lengh and looked forum for answers.
There is one thing I am insistent in is, that I dont want a "part time wife" or seperate finances and any other monies required we need to work together for at our own small business as planned before.
Does this seem reasonable?My worry now is will there be enough to feed Mama and Papa?

[GaryFifer]

Hmm sounds like feeling guilty for stealing the daughter who was helping momma and papa with money. It is her decision to be with you. She will adapt and get a job again. Her mom and dad need to appreciate the sacrifice she made. What does she want? I am sure she wants to work in UK right?

[pennybarry]

this is a very good reply!!!

yep, i so agree with Cheesewiz, the reason you get married in the 1st place is because you want to spend more time together... To have a life together, To start a family etc. etc. etc... It is not because, she wanted to marry you just because she could send money back home...

Good luck mate!

I may agree with both of you (Cheez) but we are also here to help our hubby for our future. Life here is two way lols everything is expensive. If we just sit down and relax waiting for our hubby to come home well that will be great if he is richhhh.

But life here is not a bed of roses as many will prove that. Some who says yes, I will agree with her if her hubby is rich. If not, she might be living in a cuckoo land.


Honestly, hubby said, I can work if I want or stay home. He earns double my earnings which I think is enough but we have plans in the future so we need to work still. I work fulltime, study as well if needed

Why should a wife with 2 kids still works? If her hubby is working only 2-3 times a week, do you think she needs to? It's hard work is'n't it? You need to divide your time. Hubby at night, look after baby and serve your employer. Of course we need to work if our hubby is also in a low income.


To those who said they don't send money to their parents. There must be a bad or good reason. All I know is our parents deserves something from their siblings. For me, the money I sent to my Mom is still not enough. The things and the love she have given to me is immeasurable. I know that someday, she'll give me more than I have given unto her as I have one of her heirs.

[IainBusby]

What is your lady and siblings contributing to the parents now? If its a real amount relative to Fils incomes no reason not to discuss being able to continue at that level

As Keith says if it is an amount that is around that of the average income in Phils, then I'm sure you will find it affordable. The trouble is, when a foriegner comes into the equation and their daughter is going to live and work in the land of milk and honey, the expectations of the family back home in Phils are quite often not even in the same ballpark as the average Phils income.

On a slightly off note but rather brilliant is the story I read elsewhere (in Tailand) of a guy

he'd not been that long married. One of his wife's brothers had got himself into a hell of a mess and run up a gambling debt equivalent to about a year's local salary - I'd guess at todays prices, the equivalent of about around 60,000 pesos. Naturally enough, according to the brother of course, his sister's new 'fabulously wealthy' husband via his sister, was the first port of call or port in a storm.

the American guy point blank refused. But he could see that this was going to fester and get worse and worse and be an issue if he didn't find some way to resolve it. So he stayed up late and thought things through.

in the morning, he made her an offer. The gambling-debt brother wasn't the only brother she had. He had six others, all of them of working age. He proposed to her that he'd give each of the six brothers 10,000 pesos apiece and they could then sort out their brother's debts between them.

the woman recoiled in horror. No way. They won't give it him. They'll just each of them keep the money.

to which he had the perfect riposte : 'If they don't even pass on the money, even when somebody has just given it to them rather than earned it, like I have, and they're his natural brothers, then why the hell should I?'

Brilliant.

Iain.

[MarBell379]

However this works it needs to be carefully financially managed. Even if you have 'spare' cash to be sending every month, bear in mind that you also need to be planning for your own future and retirement (however far away it nay be). The UK doesnt work in the same way, and the Government pension is not enough to live in with any degree of comfort, so you will need to plan for yourselves and make sure there is enough going to YOU before sending too much sustento.

I'm surprised you didn't know about this before this stage in your relationship though. Its a fairly standard practice and most of us learn VERY quickly that we're not just in a relationship with our gf/fiancee/wife, but her family as well. Financialy as well as emotionally.

[PAT]

thankyou Marbell,hmm your right should have known the full facts at this stage,I did suggest affordable payments to parents,long time ago,when she here, and it was welcomed,but now the stakes are up and not sure we can afford it,anyway i not want seperate finances and if we need more cash we both put more hours in

[trader dave]

all i will say is dont start what you cant carry on because if you do oooo dear big problem

[Eljohno]

Its always a good idea if you can afford it to start a small business for them like a sari sari store that was mentioned so that this will help support them and save you money in the long term but maybe like most of us you just do not have that sort of money so just do what you can as long as you are providing for your wife and u first.

It would become a problem if you decide to send nothing as your wife will want to support her family who i am sure have made many sacrifices over the years for her but i would advise against her starting a job in the evening especially at the start of your marriage.

[vbkelly]

i understand that she is the breed winner of the family but her family must understand to her that you and her will start a new life, and a new family. she don't need to shoulders all of her family needs. like what other member said if you can afford to send them do it if not don't force yourself, don't get a loan and send it to them lol. anyway goodluck to both of you!

[aposhark]

.....Right On, I think that when a Filipina marries a Brit and comes to the UK, she should understand that this is the way it is done in this country and she should certainly forget any notion that what money she earns is her own, to do with as she pleases.
Iain.

Yes, there is no "I" in team !

[cheesewiz]

We filipinos live in guilt all the time, we can't just turn around and say sorry i can't send money or help at all bec i have my own family. Our parents been mold us on this kind of thinking that its our responsibility to look after them when their old and look after our siblings. Its a culture that we can't change im afraid.

I always make sure that my bf knows what I am into, he knows that my parents are my main priority at the moment and he knows that I will always there to help them. Once I have my own family, definitely it will be my main priority bec that's how it should be but my parents will always be my family so it is fair enough that their are my priority as well.


Its easy for some here to say that they don't send money regulary or they just send when it needed or emergency or special occassions etc, there's only small percentage of filipinos marrying foreigners who comes from well family. Some filipinos end up marrying foreigners bec they think that's the only way to escape poverty and to help the family, IMO

Or from the beginning of the relationship tell your woman that helping their family is not an option and let see how's the relationship goes..

[lbechner]

Hey there!

Be VERY careful with this. It can make or break the relationship. Please consider a prenup agreement to protect yourself. You're getting married in the UK I assume? Here in the Philippines it's illegal to get divorced. There it's common place and she can take you for all you're worth. I'm not saying she will as I don't know the lady. Please don't be upset by what I'm saying, but you can't be too careful. I've had many Brit friends here get into bad situations and when they decide to go home they still have to support her family as well. When they don't, they end up losing their Filipino family and paying their wives a great deal of support for them and their children. They win big and you lose big. Honestly, if she really loves you for you and not what you can do for her family then whe will have no problems signing a prenup. If she has a problem then I'd be sending her back home. If it works out, send what you can when you can but don't be suprised if the odd "emergency" crops up from them needing to pay utilities, hospital bills, new refs, etc. It's just the culture. They can't help themselves. Philippinos can be great people but by and large they are also very deceiving and geared towards money whether it's theirs and particularly yours.

Don't get me wrong. I have some wonderful local friends here that I really trust. I have a young couple working for me in my house with their young baby. They've been with me for almost three years. I pay them monthly and provide room and board. They have a real bedroom (actually larger than my own) and not a little maid's quarters like most people do to their employees. I trust them with everything literally. My house, my dogs who are like my children, paying the bills, groceries, etc. They cook, clean and maintain everything. Yet, unlike most homes here, we all eat dinner together like a family. Still, even they sometimes ask for advances to send their parents money and such. Just last night I was asked for money to send to her brother for school supplies and his school uniform. So yes, even though I am not married into the family, I am part of it. Their little boy calls me lola (grandma) and I love him like my own and spoil him terribly. And, yes, I will probably pay for him to go to a good school when his time comes. I even paid the hospital bill from his birth.

I have learned though from my experiences. They are going to her parent's for vacation in a few days so instead of sending money, I will buy his school supplies and send them with them for him. I will shop and look into prices of local uniforms and send only enough for that. This way I know the money will be used for it's intended purpose (at least most of it). School doesn't start again until June so time isn't an issue.

That's my story and my advice. Just be careful. The fact that this was sprung on you at the last minute makes me wonder a bit. I suggest you hit some of the Filipino Culture websites for more information to see what you are really getting into. It seems you obviously haven't been here or, if you did visit, weren't able to stay long enough to get a good grasp of the culture. I've been here over three years and am still struggling with the culture. Good luck! You're geting a lot of good advice from everyone on this forum.

[PAT]

Thankyou for your advice Ibechner,I will look more the culture websites,As far as my fiance is concerned I absolutely trust her 100%,I made clear to her at start that i wasnt rich man(my first brit wife cleaned me out hehe) and i did ask her if I could safegaurd my small business here and property in the event of a break up,to which she said no problem.I have no doubts that the feelings between us are true and she is from good family.Nice to hear you have good friends there

Great idea about the sari sari,I put that to my fiance and she excited about the idea,she suggest sari sari on wheels to her family s future venture

[sysop]

How much would you guys guess it would take to get a sari sari store up and running?

The store is there, it just need to be filled up with goods.

[PAT]

meant to say motorized tricycle which is $2000 approx i believe,not sure what the goods will cost

[keithAngel]

meant to say motorized tricycle which is $2000 approx i believe,not sure what the goods will cost

That's a hell of a trike The issues that will arise with a store will be STOCK and preserving the CAPITAL

Stock tends to get used for day to day needs then there's "credit" for family and friends if you really want to go down a small business route then you will need to be prepared to set the ground rules if you don't want it to keep coming down to you to recapitalise. there is a tendancy I noted for there to be lots of initial enthusiasm that drops quickly away especialy if there is a perception that the safety net is big

You don't say what mum and dad used to do to earn their living, building on existing skills is the way forward here but I have yet to meet someone in the Phils who understands the notion of a business plan

[trader dave]

i will add this that any filipino family that you invest your hard earned money in will DROP you like a stone if you and your dear wife fall out divorce whatever, i tell tell that from personal experiance .

the way i look at it now is once that money has settled in the philippines you will NEVER see it again back in yr uk account

[PAT]

That's a hell of a trike The issues that will arise with a store will be STOCK and preserving the CAPITAL

Stock tends to get used for day to day needs then there's "credit" for family and friends if you really want to go down a small business route then you will need to be prepared to set the ground rules if you don't want it to keep coming down to you to recapitalise. there is a tendancy I noted for there to be lots of initial enthusiasm that drops quickly away especialy if there is a perception that the safety net is big

You don't say what mum and dad used to do to earn their living, building on existing skills is the way forward here but I have yet to meet someone in the Phils who understands the notion of a business plan

ahh thanks Keith,maybe its a 750cc she quote me on hehehe,she did say a used one would do mind you
mama run sari sari from home before and papa now unfit to work.
I spoke to fiancee at lengh,and your correct,having thrown some figures about seems impossible it will work to support family,need to think it through very carefully