Devastated - Need advice

[Sim11UK]

Hi folks!

We have a problem.

My fiancee & I first met online in october 2007.
I went to the Philippines in june 2008, to meet her in person. Had a great time, subsequently I went back in october, where we got engaged at the end of my stay.

She lives in Cagayan de Oro City on her own, in a boarding house, whilst her parents have a farm in the province.
It's about 5 1/2 hours away by bus, as I've been there twice for fleeting visits.

She went home for christmas, then came back again after a few days.
Then she went back home again in january, the same as she did last year as her family have an annual Fiesta.
Her stay was a bit longer than she was planning, as she had a fever. She really didn't sound well, when I spoke to her on the phone.

However, I started to get the impression, she might be trying to avoid me, as she was reluctant to get online. A couple of phone calls went unanswered & she was quite late, replying to text messages.

Finally I got her to get online last sunday.
...My hunch was right, she had been avoiding me...She broke the devastating news.

...Her parents want her to marry a man who works on their farm.

Apparently, he asked them whether he could marry their daughter. (my fiancee). He's declined some of his wages & has been helping her mother.
He's been working there for years. He's like an adopted son.

The upsetting bit is, this man attacked her when she was younger, whilst washing down at the stream.

Consequently, she left home as soon as she could, when she was 18. She lived with her aunt for a while & has lived in Cagayan de Oro City for many years on her own since.

Her parents never believed her, when she told them he attacked her. They seem to see him as some sort of golden boy.

Anyway, they want her to marry him & she is understandably distraught. She can't stand the man, can't even bare to be in the family home when he is around.

So how on earth can she go through with it. Not to mention, she's supposed to be marrying me. She just dosen't know what to do? She feels obligated to it, as she dosen't want to go against her family.

I can't let her do it. She'll have a terrible life with him. Real hardship on the farm, probably with loads of kids hanging off her. A real backward step & I dread to think what he will do to her.

She's not a young girl, she's a grown woman of 33. Independent, I know not by western standards, but she's trained as a teacher, worked in Hotel management & recently trained as a caregiver...Takes care of herself, pays all her bills etc. etc.

We are talking everyday on the phone, but we're going round & around in circles. She says she wants to be with me & she loves me & she wants to be my husband, but dosen't want to let her family down.

I just want to be with her, get married as planned & all that comes with it.

As far as I know, there hasn't been a problem with me & her parents. I've met her dad a couple of times, the first time, he even told me I could marry his daughter. Her mother, I've met several times, taken her out for a meal with us, so this has all come out of the blue.

She has 2 older sisters who both live in America, with their husbands. I met them briefly, when they made a surprise visit home. There's a younger brother too, who lives in the family home, with his wife & 2 kids...Surely, he's the candidate to take over the farm?
Though I guess her parents, don't want to lose another daughter?

Before all this happened, the plan was to fly out on march 8th, to start the ball rolling for our wedding, later in the year.
I still hope to fly out there, I just don't know at the moment?

We were going to marry in the Philippines & then bring her to the UK, for at least a few years, then maybe move to the Philippines in time.
I never from the beginning, just expected her to up sticks & move to the UK, she said she was happy wherever, as long as we were together.

I've just been offered voluntary redundancy, so since this has happened, I've told her we could move to the Philippines, start afresh on another island. Rent a house & probably have enough money, to keep us going for a couple of years. whilst in the meantime looking for a way to earn a living...She didn't know anything about this money, & still dosen't really know now, so she hasn't been trying to scam me out of the money.

Unless her parents, are trying to scam me?

This is a terrible situation to be in, things were going so well...Particularly for her, as she is torn between her family & me.

I rather think her family will win?

All I know is I want to be with her, the thought of her being with him, just kills me.
It's breaking my heart.

Sorry! for the long rambling, any advice greatly received. Thank you!

[Eljohno]

If she loves you as much she needs to commit herself to you, is there anyway she would not have told you the whole truth?

[Sim11UK]

If she loves you as much she needs to commit herself to you, is there anyway she would not have told you the whole truth?

I don't know? it's very hard to get her to open up...Just don't know what to think at the moment?

[LadyJ]

That's a heartbreaking story.

You and your partner should follow what your heart says.

GO to Philippines and talk to your partner's parents face to face and If you think your partner really loves you,Im sure she wont let her parent scam you.

Goodluck.

[joebloggs]

33yrs old and being told what to do :and this guy has attacked her NoNo:

i'm wondering if there is more to it than what your being told, first instincts if i was her would be to tell the guy to and tell you to come and get me asap, not even think about marrying someone else, never mind a guy who attacked her.

[gemini63]

Hi! it seems shes hiding some truth in here. The real story. Its a big question mark to me,when you said u meet her parents ,bro,and sis..So seems no problem to them.Why all of a sudden she made this a reason? Did she not creating story, afraid that something u will find out when you get back in march? Is she not married before to that man before you came?Try to find out the truth if i were you...

[Sim11UK]

The whole situation is crazy? There dosen't seem to be any logic? I'm completely stunned.

[Eljohno]

33yrs old and being told what to do :and this guy has attacked her NoNo:

i'm wondering if there is more to it than what your being told, first instincts if i was her would be to tell the guy to and tell you to come and get me asap, not even think about marrying someone else, never mind a guy who attacked her.

I have to agree with you as i really believe there is more to this story than what this girl is saying..

Why would she put him through this?

[joebloggs]

The whole situation is crazy? There dosen't seem to be any logic? I'm completely stunned.

i've been in a much crazier situation

but from what you've said, i'll take a guess she has a b/f who lives near here, and her parents don't know about him, that why they never said anything.

i hope you prove me wrong thou, really hope you do ...

advice from me, keep asking her for the whole truth, saying that if this is end end of your relationship, at least she owes you the truth. keep asking her til she breaks and tell you everything

[joebloggs]

I have to agree with you as i really believe there is more to this story than what this girl is saying..

Why would she put him through this?

why would you put yourself thru this? 33 and marrying someone who abused you, and you're already engaged to someone else

it doesn't add up at all

[Jay&Zobel]

why would you put yourself thru this? 33 and marrying someone who abused you, and you're already engaged to someone else

it doesn't add up at all

[bornatbirth]

im sorry to hear this!

what as she said she wants to do?

the only real way to sort it out is go there and see for yourself and ask everyone!

why dont you take control and tell her that its best she comes here on a fiancee visa and get her here as soon as possible?

[Mrs.JMajor]

sorry sim,cant get the real score there,considering shes 33 yrs old,and earning money on her own,why not try to reverse psychology,pretend that what ever your decision makes u happy........but...in our culture, at that kind of age,parents cant interfere to their daughter anymore, but when my friend read your thread,she said your fiancee is just making excuse and she had a boyfriend

[LEAHnew]

Sorry to hear your story Sim.
Take it as a test in your relationship but be ready for the result, I hope and pray it will be a happy ending

Stay in touch with your fiancee..know the truth..as LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

Goodluck

[Sim11UK]

i've been in a much crazier situation

but from what you've said, i'll take a guess she has a b/f who lives near here, and her parents don't know about him, that why they never said anything.

i hope you prove me wrong thou, really hope you do ...

advice from me, keep asking her for the whole truth, saying that if this is end end of your relationship, at least she owes you the truth. keep asking her til she breaks and tell you everything

Will follow your advice here Joe, it may well turn out she has a b/f?

[Sim11UK]

im sorry to hear this!

what as she said she wants to do?

the only real way to sort it out is go there and see for yourself and ask everyone!

why dont you take control and tell her that its best she comes here on a fiancee visa and get her here as soon as possible?

She says she wants to be with me, but she dosen't want to let her parents down?
I have thought more, about the fiancee visa route. Thanks

[Sim11UK]

sorry sim,cant get the real score there,considering shes 33 yrs old,and earning money on her own,why not try to reverse psychology,pretend that what ever your decision makes u happy........but...in our culture, at that kind of age,parents cant interfere to their daughter anymore, but when my friend read your thread,she said your fiancee is just making excuse and she had a boyfriend

Hi Mrs.JMajor it does seem odd at 33. She dosen't have a full time job now.
She sells herbalife. I have started sending her a little bit of money, each month since we've been engaged.
It did occur to me, she might have sold or pawned her engagement ring, to pay debts?

I don't know your culture to well, but I know how important family is to you.

[Sim11UK]

Thanks everyone so far. Plenty to think about here. I knew I'd get some sound advice.
I will text her now, then need to get ready for work.
Will call her later.

[Piamed]

33yrs old and being told what to do :and this guy has attacked her NoNo:

i'm wondering if there is more to it than what your being told, first instincts if i was her would be to tell the guy to and tell you to come and get me asap, not even think about marrying someone else, never mind a guy who attacked her.

Hi! it seems shes hiding some truth in here. The real story. Its a big question mark to me,when you said u meet her parents ,bro,and sis..So seems no problem to them.Why all of a sudden she made this a reason? Did she not creating story, afraid that something u will find out when you get back in march? Is she not married before to that man before you came?Try to find out the truth if i were you...

I have to agree with you as i really believe there is more to this story than what this girl is saying..

Why would she put him through this?

i've been in a much crazier situation

but from what you've said, i'll take a guess she has a b/f who lives near here, and her parents don't know about him, that why they never said anything.

i hope you prove me wrong thou, really hope you do ...

advice from me, keep asking her for the whole truth, saying that if this is end end of your relationship, at least she owes you the truth. keep asking her til she breaks and tell you everything

why would you put yourself thru this? 33 and marrying someone who abused you, and you're already engaged to someone else

it doesn't add up at all

I agree with these sentiments. I'm so sorry about what you are going through mate. I could understand her saying she does not want to let her parents down etc. if she had not already commited to you but at this stage and marrying someone she claims has attacked her and yet her parents believe this guy over their daughter? Hmmn! Does not sit well.

I would encourage her to open up and honour you both by telling the truth. Perhaps she is trying to pressurise you to some action or perhaps she has another and its getting harder for her to continue with her ruse.

I think a trip out there at this stage could be unrewarding and upsetting, best to find out what's what first.

I'm sorry again! All the best.

[nigel]

I'm saddened by your story, I feel sad for both of you, I've got no advice as such but what I will say is it would be a mistake to become angry and start shouting at her family! (I'm not implying that you would but..) I think Filipino's don't like shouting at all, while it might be acceptable to let of steam like that for us, I think Filipino's feel it's arrogant to do that!

[KeithD]

Call her bluff.

Tell her you are arranging for her to move to Davao, and you'll take care of her there until the wedding/visa are sorted.

If she has excuses not to go, then something her end is more important than you.

[an08]

well basically... it seems that this girl wants to live with u in the uk...not you move to the phils...

[aposhark]

Mr. Sim11UK, I am very sorry this has happened to you but I think you have options.....

What I am about to say is a little direct, only because I think if she really loves you and you love her, you should step up a gear.

"A faint heart never won a fair maid"

Well, I see you were planning to get married, but as she is 33 she probably thinks you are not committed enough as the marriage was too far into the future.
She could be trying to stick a rocket up your
If you really love her and really believe she feels the same and if you have money, get over there and sort it, Man.

Go and capture her and haul her onto the proverbial white horse.

She is 33 - she is too old to marry to satisfy her family only.

Well, sorry if today I have been too direct, but I really do feel that some men don't act powerfully enough to want to spend the rest of their lives with their love

If you can win her, you can marry in Phils in 6 weeks or so and then plan the settlement visa.

Don't forget that she is 33 and not 23, I feel it does make a difference.

[an08]

i feel like it's best not to force anyone hehe

[pacificelectric]

The whole story sounds very weird. I know of the importance of family in the Phils but a forced marriage is something radically different (especially when the daughter is 33 already!) and from what I have experienced myself Filipinas are not submissive like that. My GF who lives in Davao is significantly younger than me (she is 28) and when I asked her if she was fine with the age gap and possible gossip she very clearly stated that this was her own business and would follow her own will, so this kind of resignation of a 33-year old girl to a fate she would certainly hate with an abusive man makes me think like others here that there is something (or someone) else in the picture and you'd better find out before it is too late. Ingat!

[IainBusby]

Hi Sim,
My advice for what it's worth is that you tell her she must decide, because only she can decide whether she will continue her relationship with you and eventually get married to you, or marry this other man just to please her parents. I would suggest however that you don't allow this situation to drag on.

If it were me, I would give her a fixed amount of time to make a decision and let you know what it is. I would tell her also that if she didn't respond within the time given, that you will assume that the relationship is over and move on with your life.

I don't know if she is telling you the truth about this or not, or whether she has another bf or another agenda or not. But the reasons behind all of this are irrelevant if your plans to marry etc are not going to go ahead in the end. What you need now is to know where you stand for good or ill, so you can either carry on with your plans, or move on with your life in another direction.

There are thousands of beautiful Filipinas over there who would give their eye teeth to be in her position and although you have visited her and built a relationship with her, if it's not what she wants, or is not what she is prepared to fight for (against her parents I mean) in the long run, then it's best to nip it in the bud now. Don't allow it to drag on.

Iain.

[tiN]

Call her bluff.

Tell her you are arranging for her to move to Davao, and you'll take care of her there until the wedding/visa are sorted.

If she has excuses not to go, then something her end is more important than you.

good point for boss here,

[ginapeterb]

Mahal Kita Mahal Kita, I love you I love you too, you very good man for me, you have big heart, nice skin, good for baby white......oh Baby oh baby....so sorry. no load, can't get to internet cafe, walang akong Qwuarta....



It's a Filipino Boyfriend in the Closet. open up the closet and look what falls out - something that is of far more importance to her than you are ! its not the end of the world - ITS AN ADVENTURE

These stories are as common as pebbles on a beach, Sim me old mate, you have come up against the Filipina factors.

I might sound draconian here, sometimes my Girl says I am direct, but forgive me for being direct, cos I think if you are on this forum long enough, and have enough contact with that sprawling third world metropolis of some 7000 plus island called

DA PHILIPPINES !

You get to see everything and I mean everything, often the things you never think of, don't ever try to out smart a Filipino, your not that good, many guys have lost their hearts to the beautiful bright smiling creature from the Philippine Islands, and many have become a victim of their own desire for personal happiness.

Its simply my dear friend a matter of priorities, for her that is not you, priorities to a Filipina are so different to the priorities that you and I consider important.

Keith our dear Forum Administrator and builder of this web site of course has heard it all before, he is like the Army Doctor we used to have when we arrived in foreign countries, we used to call him Doc the Pox, I have to say, we are not calling our beloved Keith Doc the Pox, only that he has seen it all and cured it all.

His comments, that you are not a priority pretty much sums up my advices, and generally whilst not being always right, we are pretty much 80 per cent right most of the time, your young wife to be, or maybe not to be, has simply found a new set of pressing and urgent priorities of which at the moment, you do not figure in.

Stories of families pressing them to marry a man on the farm is a good one, I will store that in my list of excuses, entitled "Ways to avoid contact with your Western Boyfriend"

The fact of the mater is, its more than likely, she is in a relationship with another Juan, Alfonso, or Rommel, or some guy in CGO, but should you keep sending her money a little here or there, she will be quite happy to receive your remittance's until of course the penny drops and you quit sending.

My advice to you is as follows:

If you ask a girl in the Philippines to marry you, and then she comes back with a story such as this, in any event, she is not the woman for you.


She will never be committed, not now not ever, and any relationship you enter into will fail in due course, don't do it ! don't play her fool ! find another one, there are hundreds of thousands of single Filipino women who are just waiting for a great guy like you to come along, personally, I wouldn't give her the time of day, if she told me a story like that, I have asked only 2 women in my life to marry me, and neither of my women have had to think twice about it.


Best of Luck, but then again, will you take my advice, few do you know, sometimes it just doesn't hold with them.

[Eljohno]

Please listen to Pete before your heart & wallet are ripped to pieces

[PAT]

feel sorry upon reading your post Sim...hope things will going to be alright at the end.