Am I just being paranoid or is something wrong?

[USA]

so meaning....something wrong ?

Well, thats up to him to figure out. One things for sure, he is not being paranoid. Overly understanding pehaps (IMO), blinders on maybe,dont want to face the truth could be, paranoid no.

But then, maybe everythings fine.

[Mrs.JMajor]

Well, thats up to him to figure out. One things for sure, he is not being paranoid. Overly understanding pehaps (IMO), blinders on maybe,dont want to face the truth could be, paranoid no.

But then, maybe everythings fine.

just teasing you anyway

[Eljohno]

Ok its been a while since i have been on here but felt the need to say something, there are many members on here that have seen it all(Good&Bad) and are giving good advice which is there is def something wrong and its very likely your girl is doing something that she does not want you to know so maybe its best now not to get further attached and meet someone who will not treat you like this!!

[D&G]

Hello everyone.


I met my girl online a year ago this month. We took things very slowly and built a good friendship first. In september I decided to take the plunge and go and meet her. I stayed for 2 weeks and we had the most perfect time. I met her friends and family and everybody made me feel very welcome. I even moved in with her family the last few days and they threw a leaving party for me. Good memories.

When I left she was very sad, and barely said a word all morning and on the way to the airport. When I returned to the UK we would chat online everyday and I would phone almost every day. Some nights she would stay awake all night to talk with me. We made plans for our future, and it all seemed good.

Then she went away, she says to stay with family in the province. When she returned a week later things were different. No more long chats. I couldn't phone her because her brother had borrowed her phone. A few weeks later and I heard nothing from her for a week. She had been to the province again, and when I asked why she hadnt told me she just said it was a rush decision.

Christmas and she went there again. Last week she came back and we havent had a proper conversation since. I keep getting left messages on msn from her just asking, "are you there?" There's no sweetness like before. We did have pet names for each other, but she just uses my first name now. I tried calling today, it rang twice then died. I tried again and straight to the "cannot connect" message. That's happened before, like she sees my number and just disconnects.

Before she went away for christmas I asked if she would be making any new years resolutions. She said, "to stop being selfish". That seemed a strange thing to say so I asked what she meant by it. She said. "I have to consider my partners feelings more?" Again, I asked what she meant, and her answer was, "I'm getting bored of long distance relationship"
She apologised later and said she was just frustrated because she wants us to be together. Maybe that's the reason why she's being so stand offish now. She's getting bored of this. I don't know. The plan was to go and visit again in 2 months, so I would have thought she'd be happy and looking forward to that.

I feel like I've done something wrong, but have no idea what it is. I've been kind, sweet and considerate, so am left scratching my head.

I'm hoping some of the more experienced members here have some tips for me. Feel free to ask any questions.

Thanks for reading.

Hi! I just want to share my thoughts. First of all, i believe its u who could tell whether u're in a dodgy situation or not. Its u who know about your girl's personality.

Finding the right one online is like a lucky break but of course be aware that its not like a bed of roses. Make sure u're ready with the up's and down's. LDR is so very hard and sometimes painful. You have to have strong faith in your partner. Build trust and confidence otherwise your relationship will go nowhere.

Im pretty sure that there's a reason behind her "unusual" behaviour. I think u guys need a good talk about this. Some people would easily tell u to forget about her and move on...but when u love someone u cant just leave without having a good fight... right?

Im not saying here that u should ignore the red flags because obviously there's something wrong. Communication is of utmost importance in every relationship. So, try to talk to her first.

Im not putting the blame on you but it could be u said something that hurt her. (that u're not aware of) Some/most Filipinas are "onion-skinned"..they get hurt so easily....or maybe she's needing some reassurance. Double your "lambing" for her...Im sure if she loves you...she would not let you go through all these unnecessary troubles, pain and anxiety.

Goodluck!

[lavander]

Thanks, I'm ready to move on if needs be once I know its over. If she has somebody else why keep me hanging on? Also, having met her family I'm sure they'd all be very disappointed in her if she had 2 guys on the go.

I'm pretty sure this is not a money scam. One of her reasons a few months ago for not coming online was that they'd been disconnected for not paying the bill. I offered to help and she said no.

I agree, though, things don't look good.

Hi Triple5,

I feel for you..at the moment, pls. give yourself time to reflect on the situation... Most of the advise here is given which i guess summarize it to leave her and move on..but having read those, i will suggest you to give her the benefit of the doubt but be cautious of course.. you can't just easily let go of all the emotional, time and effort you have invested in this relationship as easy as that... and am sure your lady will have take that into consideration all along...perhaps reason why she's cross on this kind of situation...

weight things over and be prepared for what lies ahead...

All the best...

Lavander..

[Mrs.JMajor]

Ok its been a while since i have been on here but felt the need to say something, there are many members on here that have seen it all(Good&Bad) and are giving good advice which is there is def something wrong and its very likely your girl is doing something that she does not want you to know so maybe its best now not to get further attached and meet someone who will not treat you like this!!

Hey,welcome back Eljohno,been long time you beenout of touch here,nice to see u back

[triple5]

@D&G
@Lavander

Thanks for you thoughts guys. In my mind I've given her the benefit of the doubt numerous times over the past few months. As for doing something wrong myself, I've thought about that and don't see anything that I could have. She was sweet enough before going away at christmas, that's why I put up with the other stuff becasue she always had nice words to say when we did chat. But that's died altogether now, and I don't see what I could have done inbetween christmas and now because we had no contact for 2 weeks.

I'm still open to the idea that there is some reasonable explanantion, but the fact that she cannot even contact me now to put my mind at ease doesn't give me much hope. If she is sulking over something trivial that's not the kind of girl for me anyway.

Like others here have said there's plenty out there who would appreciate me, so I'm already dipping my toe back in the water.

Again, thanks to everybody for their advice and support. You've all been very kind and your words have helped a lot.

[Piamed]

Hi there mate. Much of what I would say has already been said. My wife, Pia, is from a province in Mindanao. She had to trave 13km to an internet cafe to chat with me. She had no mobile and neither did her immediate family members so of course communicating was difficult but we coordinated as best we could.

She would borrow mobiles from time to time and tell me when I could call. Even after buying one for her it was not always easy as she would occasionally give hers to others to borrow. I actually admired her for sharing what she had with others. Suffice to say that if your lady was interested she would find a way.

[PeterB]

She's from Davao and says its about 4 hours away by bus. I did believe her about the phone reception/no internet thing because when I was there for the first week her parents were away in the province and she said she didnt know when they'd be back because there was no way of contacting them. One day her mum and dad walked in and everybody looked surprised and excited.

Okay, I did suspect, from what you said, that she was somewhere on Mindanao. Yes, there are very remote areas well within 4 hours travel from Davao.

We have a friend here who was working away from home - even his wife had not heard from him for three weeks and had no idea when to expect him home, when he turned up one day.

Likewise, my father-in-law visits his farm 'at the mountain' and we have no contact from him for a week or more.

could well be, but also her parents could have told her to leave you alone, if they have found out she has a local b/f. honour and respect still means alot to many Filipino families.

Indeed ... parents might tell her that even if she has no local b/f - indeed, many friends and family almost convinced Ruby that she wouldn't see me again after my first visit. The respect within families here would almost compel her to comply. Perhaps she can only attempt to chat with you surreptitiously, while none of the family are around.

I'm sure that you were aware of how many beautiful Dabawenians were giving you admiring glances while you were here - if the worst does happen, get yourself back here and try again!

[PeterB]

If she is sulking over something trivial that's not the kind of girl for me anyway.

Oh dear! Perhaps a filipina is not for you after all! :p

[triple5]

Indeed ... parents might tell her that even if she has no local b/f - indeed, many friends and family almost convinced Ruby that she wouldn't see me again after my first visit. The respect within families here would almost compel her to comply. Perhaps she can only attempt to chat with you surreptitiously, while none of the family are around.

After the first time she went away, when she wouldn't come online anywhere near as much, I thought perhaps this was the case that her family were telling her to keep some distance. We went through a phase where she would always come online at about 1am phil time, just when I was finishing work here, and I guess her family were sleeping. I'm online all day with my work, so I just put it down to her not wanting to disturb me.

The short messages I've been getting the last week are usually at the same time, about 3-4pm there, maybe the time her mother goes to the shops or something. I don't know, it feels like I'm grasping at straws by thinking her family are the reason for her actions. If that is the reason, how do you get round that one? She shares her house with 12 people. 12 vs 1 is a bit of mismatch lol.

I'm sure that you were aware of how many beautiful Dabawenians were giving you admiring glances while you were here - if the worst does happen, get yourself back here and try again!

I didn't really notice, but she mentioned it a few times when we went out. I guess I only had eyes for her.

Oh dear! Perhaps a filipina is not for you after all! :p

lol, maybe that will be my next topic - how to deal with the sulking.

[PeterB]

...how do you get round that one?

How much does this young lady mean to you? Just turning up for a second time might convince her and anyone who is 'advising' her.

[triple5]

She means a lot to me. She's supposed to be going to Japan next month to stay with her auntie and work there. The plan was for me to go visit her there in march. If that's off I'd still be prepared to go to Davao in march.

[Sim11UK]

I don't think it always is easy, to stay in communication all the time?
I had an instance early in the relationship, where she went home to the province for the weekend.
That "weekend", turned into a week & a half...All communication was dead.

I kept calling her & texting. Never a reply...I was miserable, just resigned myself that it was over. I convinced myself that her family, had told her to stay away from me, thought maybe she was miserable too?

Then...early one morning I got a phone call...I answered it & got a "Hi" in her usual cheery self. Of course I was annoyed, but highly relieved.

To cut a long story short, there was a family problem. She was now back in the City & things got back to normal...Even now though, there maybe the odd couple of days, where we're not in some form of communication, for whatever reason.

Being so far apart, communication can get skewed...Things aren't always what they seem.

Who knows?...hope it all works out for you.

[triple5]

Who knows?...hope it all works out for you.

Thanks mate.

[Jay&Zobel]

They all have good points...

Use your gut feeling but be very wise...

Just think that, someday she may become your "wife" or she may not be...

A long distance relationship is pretty tough (I am sure all folks here will agree) but then also, it takes 2 to tango... Sad, if you are the only person who is willing that this relationship to work. You seemed nice & genuine. You seemed to really love her with all the efforts you are showing etc... But shame, she isnt interested anymore...

Just have some time to stop, look & listen hehehe... Maybe by not contacting her that much... Let her do something too! She may be thinking where are you now? Have you lost your interests or something? Let her also do some thinking... Then maybe one day she might contact you. But before doing anything... Maybe a simple text message or an email saying that you care for her a lot and your appreciation... then say "Goodbye"... Maybe she just needs time... Time to think and maybe come to realise that she really is inlove with you... But you have to be very ready... It may or may not happen... Are you ready for the gamble?

As the saying goes:
"If you love someone let her go, if she comes back she is yours, if not she never was..."

It is not giving up but it is hoping that someday that person you love will love you back!

[D&G]

They all have good points...

Use your gut feeling but be very wise...

Just think that, someday she may become your "wife" or she may not be...

A long distance relationship is pretty tough (I am sure all folks here will agree) but then also, it takes 2 to tango... Sad, if you are the only person who is willing that this relationship to work. You seemed nice & genuine. You seemed to really love her with all the efforts you are showing etc... But shame, she isnt interested anymore...

Just have some time to stop, look & listen hehehe... Maybe by not contacting her that much... Let her do something too! She may be thinking where are you now? Have you lost your interests or something? Let her also do some thinking... Then maybe one day she might contact you. But before doing anything... Maybe a simple text message or an email saying that you care for her a lot and your appreciation... then say "Goodbye"... Maybe she just needs time... Time to think and maybe come to realise that she really is inlove with you... But you have to be very ready... It may or may not happen... Are you ready for the gamble?

As the saying goes:
"If you love someone let her go, if she comes back she is yours, if not she never was..."

It is not giving up but it is hoping that someday that person you love will love you back!

very well said

[PeterB]

She's supposed to be going to Japan next month to stay with her auntie and work there.

The way you tell this, it sounds as though the move to Japan has been arranged rather recently ... that rather sounds like the family are 'sending her away', out of harms way.

We live in Tagum and visit Davao fairly frequently - if there's anything we can do to help ....

[triple5]

Thank you Zobel, that's very good advice and I appreciate your kind words.

The way you tell this, it sounds as though the move to Japan has been arranged rather recently ... that rather sounds like the family are 'sending her away', out of harms way.

She first mentioned this in either late oct/early nov. I don't get it, what would they be sending her away from? If they don't want us communicating surely there'd be more chance of controlling this if she were at home.

We live in Tagum and visit Davao fairly frequently - if there's anything we can do to help ....

That's a really kind offer, thank you, but I'm not sure what could be done.

[aromulus]

The move to Japan......

It could well be that the family would rather have her go to Japan to work than getting married.

Hence the girls confusing messages/state of mind.

But still....... Not a good omen.

[triple5]

There were no plans to marry. We had discussed it a couple of times, and she dropped pretty strong hints that was what she wanted. But I said I wouldn't propose when we're chatting online, but ask her in person.

[jta]

There were no plans to marry. We had discussed it a couple of times, and she dropped pretty strong hints that was what she wanted. But I said I wouldn't propose when we're chatting online, but ask her in person.

ahhh, i know now the situation why that lady acts like that...she is in dilemma of choosing u and going to Japan..because u are not sure of marrying her and she is due to go this february so possibly she will choose to go there unless u will have a strong feeling to convince her that u have the intention to marry and u want to propose it personally. I experienced this situation, I have all the documents ready and job offer in Hongkong and i told my bf ( my husband now) about it, and he said that don't go wait for me, and don't worry about financial thing i will send u as to your maintenance monthly. so i turned down the job offer and wait for him but he didnt come but decide to let me apply for visitor's visa and I did visit him..

[Sim11UK]

I think if you want to carry on pursuing this, then you need to get out there pronto.

[aposhark]

.....A long distance relationship is pretty tough

You got THAT right (amongst other things)
Even when you're married, both people can do and say silly things at times.
I know my wife and I have had to forget our little mishaps

[triple5]

Although I see what you''re saying, jta, i don't really think that's the root of the problem here. Japan was only supposed to be for 3 months. We talked about it a lot, and both agreed it would be good to spend that time together, just the 2 of us. When I was there for 2 weeks a lot of the time was with her family and they restricted her somewhat to the time we spent together alone. It was only the last 2 days that we really got some quality alone time.

I think if you want to carry on pursuing this, then you need to get out there pronto.

I'm a bit tied up with work for the next few months. Realistically, March is the earliest I could go. But the way things are, I don't know what I could be walking into.

Before this I had a LDR for 3 years, where I would spend 3 months at a time with my girl. Come back to the UK for a month or so, and I alternated it like that for 3 years. She knows about this, so I wouldn't blame her if she felt some bitterness about the fact that we've only spent 2 weeks together in a year. It was just more financially possible before.

With me spending a lot of time abroad over the past five years, I've got used to LDR's and sad goodbyes, and I know I haven't considered how tough this has been for her. I imagine there's pressure there, neighbours gossiping, family issues etc. I took it for granted she'd be able to cope with it.

[Sim11UK]

I know it's easier said than done, but how else can you resolve your problems, by not going out there?

[flomike]

LDR is really tough that's for sure. People here are very lucky that they only waited a few weeks to get their visas. In our case (2003) I lodged my application i think June I waited for 3 months for my interview that was Aug I got my visa mid Sept. my husband is the unhappiest person in the world that time. But alls well that ends well...we're together forever fand or the last 5 years we're never been separated at all except going to work

[flomike]

She means a lot to me. She's supposed to be going to Japan next month to stay with her auntie and work there. The plan was for me to go visit her there in march. If that's off I'd still be prepared to go to Davao in march.

If she's going going there and stay with her auntie may be as a tourist and she can't work there In Japan its hard to get a tourist visa specially for filipinos working there

I am not going to say anything about her or judge her as I don't know her...good luck i hope she knows that how lucky she is that there's a person like you caring for her.

[georyz]

hi Triple5,

may i know how young is your gf as it seems to me that her family is of great influence in her decision in choosing between you and her Japan trip. does she knows about you having children before you met her in person? If she does then its not the reason for changing her mood over you unless shes still young and shes not prepared to be in that situation with the addition of the influence of her family's opinion on that matter. Better try to wake up a bit early to catch her online and then you can talk properly and sincerely.

A lot of things had been said here, both good and bad points. Maybe you can tell your gf that your coming in March if she can wait for you and see how she reacts. March is a good month to explore Davao as it is the founding anniversary of the City and enjoy the festivities together. Just be prepared for whatever the outcome of everything. Good Luck!

[triple5]

If she's going going there and stay with her auntie may be as a tourist and she can't work there In Japan its hard to get a tourist visa specially for filipinos working there

she's said her aunties been there 9 years, so it wouldn't be a problem, and sh'e be helping out in the aunts restaurant and looking after her son.

good luck i hope she knows that how lucky she is that there's a person like you caring for her.

Thank you

may i know how young is your gf as it seems to me that her family is of great influence in her decision in choosing between you and her Japan trip. does she knows about you having children before you met her in person?

She's just turned 23. And yes she knew all about my kids well before we even met and always insisted it would never be a problem.

A few people have mentioned it now, but I don't know about going out there. I think most people in my shoes would have their suspicions that there's somebody else involved here. I'm not prepared to go all that way just to find out for sure. That time and money would be better spent on meeting somebody new.