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KeithD
23rd November 2007, 18:28
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

ervenescence
23rd November 2007, 19:05
:icon_lol:

I have response for that but this is The Rules that Guys with Women knew.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

2. Do not cut your hair. Ever.

3. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Get rid of your cat.

5. Sunday = Sports.

6. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

8. You have enough clothes.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you do not dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, do not expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done ... not both.

23. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

24. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Alan
23rd November 2007, 23:01
Keith - my man - you have magnificently put into words how I feel about my own daughter, who is 13 years old and a stunningly beautiful girl. (She obviously got that from me and not the b*****d who p****d off with some fat f****r.)

I shall print this off and give it to her. She will laugh, :D

Thank you mate - wonderful post - and a rep point. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Al.:)

kimmi
24th November 2007, 04:20
thanks Boss, I am pretty sure this is what my Dad thinks when he met my Fiance he he he he...:)

h0ney_c
24th November 2007, 06:20
Mr. Keith, you're like my father! (except when he carries a bolo!):icon_lol:

joebloggs
24th November 2007, 15:09
i don't worry one bit about my 7 yr old daughter, got the wife to do all the worrying :D

i'll look after little joe :xxgrinning--00xx3:

kimmi
24th November 2007, 15:21
are u sure u will still say that when ur little girl have grown up as a teen ager JOE?

joebloggs
24th November 2007, 15:40
oh yes, i know teenage gals are worse than boys :D

little joe got one toy and his blanket or blanky :icon_lol:, my little gal 100's of barbie dolls, little ponies, pixel chicks, etc.... i blame the wife, should have bought her SCALEXTRIC ,playing with dolls, playing mom, little ponies slight diffrence but she has to have it :bigcry::Help1:


i'm already looking at sending her to a convent b4 its toooo late :cwm24:

KeithD
24th November 2007, 15:47
Hope my daughter doesn't take after her mother and spread easier than butter :cwm24:

LadyJ
24th November 2007, 17:32
oh yes, i know teenage gals are worse than boys :D

little joe got one toy and his blanket or blanky :icon_lol:, my little gal 100's of barbie dolls, little ponies, pixel chicks, etc.... i blame the wife, should have bought her SCALEXTRIC ,playing with dolls, playing mom, little ponies slight diffrence but she has to have it :bigcry::Help1:


i'm already looking at sending her to a convent b4 its toooo late :cwm24:

:D, my lil girl, everytime she see a girlie toys commercial on the telly she will say 'Mommy buy me that toy pleeeaassee' and I will say 'no darling we can't buy that toy' and her always reply is 'Why mommy? Is it expensive?'.:doh:icon_lol:

KeithD
24th November 2007, 18:18
Just tell her they ONLY show the poisonous toys on TV :D

aromulus
24th November 2007, 19:14
Years ago, when my older daughter just turned 16, her, then, boy friend asked me nicely wether he could take her to the movies.
I didn't really like the smarmy, young, bible bashing boy-racer that much....
Even my lab used to growl and snarl his head off at him... Hackles up and everything...

So I did put some conditions down....

1 - You better bring her back home by 10 pm, or your parents will only be able to identify your remains through DNA testing....:rolleyes:

2 - Take it or leave it.....

She was back home at 9.15 pm on the dot....
Complaining that he was cold and distant all through the movie.....:D


Wonder why....:Erm:

andypaul
24th November 2007, 21:19
Don Aromulus the italian connection poor guy probaly worried he would wake up the next morning with shergars head staring back at him.