Looking for advice for a possible overly sensitive guy!

[DaveUK]

Firstly, I'd just like to say hi to everyone as this is my first post. I found this site last night and already feel I've learnt a few things.

I'm looking for your opinions on my current situation which is a very new thing to me. Unfortunately, to get your best informed decision will require me to explain the full situation. I apologise if this is a long post.

The background :- I went to Hong Kong with a couple of male friends back in December last year for a week. On our first night there in Central, we came across a bar where there were Filipino working girls in the back of the bar. We got chatting with a couple of them. One of which I hit it off with and eventually went back to the hotel. We chatted for about 3 or 4 hours before having "fun". When we talked, she offered to take me to Lantau island during the day. At the time, I thought nothing of it, and the following morning I paid and we said our goodbyes.

On Sunday night, myself and my friends went elsewhere in HK.

On Monday night, we went back into Central and eventually the same bar where I met the girl (Anna) from Saturday night. As we walked in, I admit I was looking for her. After 20 minutes she appeared and waved at me. I spoke to her and again, we eventually went back to the hotel. Again, we talked for about 4 or 5 hours. The conversation got pretty emotional at one point on both sides as we were talking about each others families and some of our pasts, and how she hated doing what she was doing. She couldn't believe she was telling me stuff so easily and I'd never been able to talk about things like that to anyone including strangers before. We slept together that night, but nothing happened. In the morning when I handed her the money, she got a bit upset and said she didn't want to take my money, but had to. I told her I understood.

On Tuesday, I went back to the bar to meet her and again later she came back to the hotel, where again we chatted for around 5 hours. Again, we slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. Due to the amount of talking we were doing, we went to bed around 9am and woke at around 3pm. When she left, I didn't give her any money and she didn't ask. In fact, apart from the initial first night I met her, she never asked me for any money, but I always knew I would be paying her. On Thursday morning I did give her the money for the last two nights, although she hadn't asked me for it.

The way things went on Tuesday was pretty much how the rest of the holiday went. She was basically with me 24 hours a day, bar a few hours in the afternoon when she would go home to get changed.

On my last night in HK she got upset and eventually she told me it was because she didn't want me to go and she really liked me. I told her I felt the same. Of course both of us wanted to know why each other hadn't said something. For me, it was because as much as I believed her that she didn't want to do what she was doing, I still felt she was being the way she was around me because I was paying her. For her, it was because I'd said on numerous occasions, "What happens in HK, stays in HK!" This led her to think that I was just going to forget about her once I left HK.

On the day I left Hong Kong, as we were saying goodbye, she gave me a little momento to take with me. We swapped mobile numbers (her Filipino one) and e-mail addresses.

For the first 2 weeks I was home after the holiday, Anna stayed in Hong Kong to work. I knew when I came back this was going to happen as we'd discussed it and I understood. However, every day for the 2 weeks we texted and spoke for 4 hours every night, pretty much during when she would be working. Some of the nights she was upset as she said she was missing me and getting stick from her friends for being unhappy and not working. Like I say, due to the time of day (HK time) we were talking, it was pretty much when she should have been working so I'm confident when she says she hadn't worked, she hadn't!

When we talked as well, there were a lot of things that happened in HK between us that became clearer. She's told me how she was looking out for me on the Sunday night with information about Lantau island and was disappointed when I didn't show. She was also disappointed when I didn't ask for her number after Saturday night. She also told me how on a couple of night we all went out to a few bars how proud she was to walk into places with me, especially the one where I'd originally met her. All her friends that night were surprised to see her as they hadn't seen her since Monday night as she'd been with me. They all thought she had gone back to the Philippines. Apparently, although some of the girls have local regular "customers", none have been with a guy for a whole week like me and Anna had.

Now, finally to where I'd like some advice. Again, apologies as I know this is a pretty long post!

Since Anna got back to the Philippines at the end of the year where she has 2 kids (9 and 2), we've only spoken a few times and then for no longer than half an hour. Her texts have dramatically dropped off as well, with some replies not coming back for a day or so. I appreciate the cost of international texts in the Philippines is ridiculous even by UK standards, so the lack of text messages I can understand and I learnt not to always get a reply. However, if I text her to say I'm going to call at some point, she asks me to text her first before calling because she's so busy! Other than looking after her kids, I have no idea what she's doing as I don't think she has a proper job. If I have called out of the blue, she doesn't always answer. I did have a bad week the other week where I didn't get any replies to text messages and couldn't raise her on the phone. In the end, after a week she text me to say she had been in a Jeepney accident the week before and had been in hospital in her home town with a broken shoulder and a fever. Her phone was in Manila at a cousins where the accident had originally happened and that's why she hadn't called or replied to my texts. Once she explained the missing week, I felt ok as I kind of believe her.

The problem is, it can go a day or so before I hear from her which drives me crazy. The last time I heard from her was the start of the week as she's trying to arrange a tourist visa to visit me for a week. I've agreed with her that if she sorted out the cost of the visa and booked her flights to HK, I would pay for her flights from HK to the UK. Again, she never asked me to do this, I offered. I'm booked on a flight to see her in the Philippines at the end of April where I'm going to meet her family, but we'd like to see each other sooner. Since Monday I've text her a couple of times and today I've tried phoning her 3 times with no answer. The phone just rings out! I've read on here and other places how Filipino's are pretty much attached to their phones. If it wasn't for the lack of communication since she got back to the Philippines, I'd be confident in our relationship.

Does anyone have any advice? Am I just being overly sensitive regarding the communication in this instance? I appreciate any feedback, especially if you've read everything above! :-)

[winner]

my advice my freind is stay away working bar girl no good for you she only tell you what see wonts you to hear how many man she tell nice stories to open your eyes you meet and had her first night how many more she had before you you say she has 2 kids is her husband looking after than while she works and sends money home if you like a filipina girl there are many looking for uk guys to love just join any flipina dating site think and think hard sorry for using hard words

[KeithD]

Bar Girls Money players.......

Haven' read your post though, sitting in Phoenix airport, flight in 45 mins

Read it when I get back, when Pete has posted

[mhynne]

sorry to hear about your problem dave.. we surely cannot really tell you what to do but if you were to ask our opinion i think we all have the same thing to tell you which is to trust your instinct... for me ive never seen anyone in the philippines who isnt attached to his or her phone... i think if she really loves you or wants to be with you for the rest of her life she would think of you as soon as she got into the accident.. try to reach you at any cost because she will not want you to worry about her... i dont think its also good that you always have to text her whenever you call and would not pick up if you just call out of the blue..
there are many women out there.. filipinas who are very educated who would take you im sure...
i think deep in your heart you know the answer to this... god bless

[jimcarie]

hi m8 intresting story, thanks for shareing it, you have had a couple of replys already, and it must be hard for you, but wat i say is ,only you can decide wat to do next your the one that spent time with this girl in hk, and have had that close contact its easy to fall for a beautifull fillipina like this , maybe shes true, maybe not , why not visit her there in the phillipines and see wat happens, tell her your feelings and watch the response, maybe she does have a husband back home, but this isnt always the case, these girls are sometimes driven to work in the bars of hk and other places, but this does not meen she isnt telling the truth, its sometimes the only way they can make money, wat have you got to lose? its better to find out the truth sooner rather than later,
i wish you goodluck in watever you decide to do and hope it works out for you , all the best

[tomm]

i think deep in your heart you know the answer to this... god bless

That my friend is the kindest way of putting it.

When I read your story, I had to look at the date on the post. I read a tale just like this not so long ago... wish I could think where. Sorry, the Hongkong part was like a cut and paste from that story.

Anyway, good luck.

[aromulus]

Distressing read.

Move on mate....

Too many red flags waving in front of your eyes, but you already realized that and don't want to do much about it.
By all means, go there, meet up. But treat it as a holiday with a difference.
Somehow I cannot see it working.
I hope I am wrong.

Good luck

[silver13]

It is difficult, I guess when you have so much conflicting information, firstly I think you will probably know that to a Filipina the family is generally the most important thing in thier life, the lack of financial welfare systems as in the UK force this cultural thing to happen or God forbid they would all die, the need to look after family is important and maybe some will do anything to help provide for the family even at the cost of thier own ability to lead a normal life, being a bar Girl maybe involves being a bit more friendly with customers than we ourselves would like and it is possible that deep down she does not really want to be in the situation she is in? or maybe she does not mind, only you would be able to find out There is plenty of information about men who have fell for bar girls, and usully the advice is to stay away, but again that is for you to decide!!! My concern is also with the fact your Filipina should have tried to contact you when havingthe accident in the Jeepney as MHYNNE says, ok it costs money but not that much to send a one of text saying do not worry speak to you soon, I hope Aromulus is wrong but sadly I think I would agree with him :-( Ok hope this helps

[DaveUK]

Thanks for all your input so far. I really do appreciate it.

Like I say, if it wasn't for what I've read about Filipino's being attached to their phones, and the limited contact I've had with her since she got home (I had a lot of contact when she was still in HK), I'd be confident in our relationship as a lot of things she's said to me either ring true, or are things that I feel if she was scamming me she'd never tell me!

As it stands at the minute, I'm now going to resist the urge to try and contact her again and wait until she gets in contact with me, see what she says and then ask her to find some time to make sure she is available for a couple of hours where she won't be interrupted. Then during the chat (if it happens!), I'll be asking her about the communication side of things.

Part of me wants to have it out with her now on the phone, but as it's so easy for things to blow up during a phone call no matter where you are in the world, and for one person to slam the phone down (this includes me), I'm inclined to try and hang on until I get to the Philippines and then at least if things go wrong in a discussion, it's not easy for either person to put a phone down. It will have to be dealt with as we'll be in the same room! Problem for me is, that's 3 months away!

Again, like I say, I appreciate the feedback. If it ever sounds like I'm not taking on board your comments, that won't be true. It's more a case of I'm just telling you what's running through my mind and to see what your opinion's are on it.

[Gie]

Hi Dave,

I am sorry to tell you this, but this girl of yours seems to be a bit dodgy... No matter how busy she is, if she really likes you, she will answer the phone. I've been calling to my sisters in the Philippines, twice a week! and my husband (my bf then) used to call me everyday! and no matter how busy I am I always answer the phone even just for 3 minutes! And all this accidents she's telling you, how come she didnt told you the first time it happened, I bet she's just making excuses. Anyway, if you gonna meet her again, do so but be very careful and goodluck!

[Mrs.JMajor]

well they (members) said it all....u never asked her though to reply you at all....but just to answer your call she cant answer it for some reason.i shouldnt say against to my same race but pitty if i will uplift her to you....(since u can feel the real score,just hard to accept it)

Dave theres a nice one better than her (im sorry to say)
good luck finding another one

[DaveUK]

Again, thanks for your comments. It's appreciated! :-)

I did just try phoning her 20 minutes ago and she answered. She apologised for not replying to my text yesterday (I text asking if she was free for a call), and told me she has an interview for her tourist visa application on Monday. I told her I wanted to talk to her tomorrow as I wanted to discuss a few things with her (ie the lack of communication, etc). Couldn't really talk much more than that though as I'm in work and everyone around me was listening in! She also sounded like she was in an arcade with her kids as I could hear her youngest right by the phone!

Anyway, hopefully I'll be talking to her tomorrow!

[joebloggs]

good luck with her your tourist visa, there is a high rejection rate thou

i know if a bar girl is not working, she doesn't get paid, so how is she going to pay for her visa and flight ?

when someone acts different, you know there is a problem, is she not texting you or answering the phone, it could be she telling you the real reason, or shes is avoiding you, the reason, who knows, keep asking her, until she finally tells you the real reason..


good luck thou, this is not going to be an easy relationship for you.. but not impossible

[kimmi]

I remember Mom always said this to me.."When in doubt, dont.."

Goodluck on u Dave..

[joebloggs]

I remember Mom always said this to me.."When in doubt, dont.."

Goodluck on u Dave..

since whenever did you or any filipina listen to their mom thou



i know my wife didn't

[DaveUK]

good luck with her your tourist visa, there is a high rejection rate thou

i know if a bar girl is not working, she doesn't get paid, so how is she going to pay for her visa and flight ?

when someone acts different, you know there is a problem, is she not texting you or answering the phone, it could be she telling you the real reason, or shes is avoiding you, the reason, who knows, keep asking her, until she finally tells you the real reason..


good luck thou, this is not going to be an easy relationship for you.. but not impossible

Good question mate. I know how much I paid her while I was in HK and on that alone I know she could afford the visa and the flights and still have just over half the money left. She's also never tried to claim that she's not been a bar girl for very long. I know from conversations we've had she's been to HK a few times going back to the previous year, so I assume she has more money sitting in an account!

Like you say though, this isn't exactly going to be easy even if it does all work out! And again, like I've said earlier, apart from the lack of communication since she got home, she's told me quite a few things that I feel if she was scamming me she wouldn't say! But, just to be safe I'm still keeping my eyes open which is part of the reasons I joined the forum. Talking about it with you guys is helping me keep a bit of perspective on the whole thing! :-)

[joebloggs]

it's not been plane sailing for everyone on here, some have had a harder time than others, thats the way life is, many will take you to quit and forget about her, i can't answer that for you, but me and my g/f had problems and many people told me to forget about her, and maybe most would have, but at the end of the day i/we couldn't, for me we had gone too far and thru too much to walk away, and who would want to be with someone who would quit on you ? and now we've been married more than 5 happy years

so i wish you well

[DaveUK]

Cheers Joe. In a strange way, it's kind of nice to know other people have had issues and yet have come out the other side smiling! :-)

[DaveUK]

I've just got home after leaving my mobile at home and found a couple of messages from Anna.

She reckons that yesterday she had a big row with her Mum which from past conversations occurs occassionally, and she didn't want to talk to anyone which is why she didn't reply to my text or call me. Ok, I know we should be able to talk to each other about everything, but she's like me in that respect. I've done the same thing in the past, and have actually even done it since I've known her. I've been so used to not having anyone I feel I could talk to, that it didn't even occur to me at the time to speak to her about it! So, right now I have no reason to think she's lying in this instance!

[baboyako]

its called a tampo - use the search

[DaveUK]

Hah hah! I did, and I like it! :-)

[aromulus]

Hah hah! I did, and I like it! :-)

You ain't going to like it one bit, if that happens to you..................

[scott&ligaya]

Hi Dave,
firstly, you are right to have been cautious, secondly it may be that all is well and that you will have a great visit and successful relationship. I have just returned from several years living in Hong Kong and have witnessed both disasters and very deep and loving relationships result from bar girl/Gwailo encounters. One of my best mates there, met, fell in love with and married a bar girl, he is a barrister and despite his position makes no secret of her past and openly praises her courage in supporting her baby when the father abandoned her. We as a bunch of guys sat down one night and were discussing the "types" of girls on the bar scene there. There is the young very attractive but extremely hard professional to whom you are a walking ATM. They can cry at a moments notice and spin a yarn that would make Alistair Campbell look like a beginner. Then there is the older but wiser lady who will reel you in much more slowly so well you may not even notice. Then there are the girls who just come over for the one trip to make some money, hate the work, sometiimes just work as commission girls for the bars(ie get punters to buy inflated ladies drinks of which they get a cut) and then there the above but who get stuck in the money cycle and never quite get out of it because the money is so much better than she can get back home so they fall into full time working on the scene.

You may recognise the group your lady falls into and I hope it is the latter.

Just try not to be paranoid but do be careful, I hope it all goes well for you and if in the worst case you feel it is not working, try to stop on in the Phils for a bit and enjoy the many beautiful places and wonderful people there.

[Eljohno]

Experienced members will tell you to steer clear. Its obvious that you like this girl in a big way and already she has captured your heart but as the song says " I SEE TROUBLE AHEAD"

At the end of the day its up to you but there are already many red flags and i promise there are many filipinos in the Philippines that can have the same effect on you.

Just my 2 cents worth!!

[DaveUK]

Anne had her visa application interview on Monday. She was in there for an hour and half and is now waiting for a second interview.

Is it normal for someone requesting their first tourist visa to the UK (also given we've only known each other a couple months), for a second interview to be required?

[mavid]

Very interesting question... I'm waiting for someone to answer this too...

[vbkelly]

Anne had her visa application interview on Monday. She was in there for an hour and half and is now waiting for a second interview.

Is it normal for someone requesting their first tourist visa to the UK (also given we've only known each other a couple months), for a second interview to be required?

i don't know why have a second interview,mind before after my interview of tourist visa he told me already to come back 2pm that day of interview to get my passport with the visa

[gemini63]

hi dave,
i hvnt heard yet to be interviewed twice....i even got my visitors visa without interview..my first last year it takes 11 days after i sent my application to manila from davao..the second time i got it only 3 days,sent to me from manila to davao..same visitors visa all...no interview....

[kimmi]

since whenever did you or any filipina listen to their mom thou



i know my wife didn't

I always listen to my mom, she is like a bestfriend to me..because i believe mom's knows best..

Is it normal for someone requesting their first tourist visa to the UK (also given we've only known each other a couple months), for a second interview to be required?

I havent had any idea about second interview because when I had my interview it is only once and the eco told me to come back in the afternoon and collect my visa and btw, my interview lasted only for 15minutes..

so any news about ur Anne's interview??

[Mrs.JMajor]

yes dave
we would love to hear any news from you and anna ?
2nd interview ???