Disclaimer: By posting on this web site it is accepted that you have agreed to our Terms. Please DO NOT publish copyrighted material/pictures without the owner’s permission, you are liable for any costs incurred.


Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 1234567 LastLast
Results 61 to 90 of 183
  1. #61
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant.

    Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

    She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

    Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".

    "My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

    She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."


  2. #62
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.

    The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"

    I said, "No but I did get a budgie excited once."


  3. #63
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down. They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called "puff, paedo!, ......s! ....monkey, .... ...., nob jockey, piss flaps, ......! ....!"
    Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.


  4. #64
    Moderator Arthur Little's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    City of Perth, Scotland
    Posts
    24,230
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by fred View Post
    I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down. They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called "puff, paedo!, ......s! ....monkey, .... ...., nob jockey, piss flaps, ......! ....!"
    Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.
    ... Fred. really appeals to my SOH ... since my son - a prominent member of Perth United Cycling Club (and at 43 ... now a veteran) - is an ardent follower of the Tour de France.


  5. #65
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150


  6. #66
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months.

    I better wash my socks.


  7. #67
    Respected Member lordna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    West Sussex
    Posts
    1,244
    Rep Power
    109
    A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
    "Well," says the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

    She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

    They say, "Huh?"

    She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms."

    She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

    Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"

    Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

    Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

    "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

    "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

    "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

    "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."


  8. #68
    Respected Member Michael Parnham's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Nottinghamshire
    Posts
    11,643
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by fred View Post
    I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.

    The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"

    I said, "No but I did get a budgie excited once."
    Don't get this one Fred


  9. #69
    Respected Member Michael Parnham's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Nottinghamshire
    Posts
    11,643
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by lordna View Post
    A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
    "Well," says the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

    She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

    They say, "Huh?"

    She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms."

    She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

    Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"

    Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

    Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

    "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

    "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

    "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

    "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
    Brill, love it


  10. #70
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Parnham View Post
    Don't get this one Fred
    Clue.
    Think of a large bird that stands on one leg.


  11. #71
    Respected Member Michael Parnham's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Nottinghamshire
    Posts
    11,643
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by fred View Post
    Clue.
    Think of a large bird that stands on one leg.
    Mmmm, thank's Fred!


  12. #72
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    If you cant find the book that you are looking for,you are obviously in the.....




  13. #73
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    New candidate puts himself forward for leader of UKIP



  14. #74
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150


  15. #75
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    A man was sunbathing in the buff at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

    A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

    He raised an eyebrow and replied

    "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself"


  16. #76
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
    She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

    The clerk says, "What denomination?"

    The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "


  17. #77
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    Orville the Duck said he has been left feeling empty inside after the death of Keith Harris.


  18. #78
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    I went fishing while on my holidays and I used liquorice as bait
    I caught all sorts...


  19. #79
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    Russian computer: "Enter password"
    Me: "Beef stew"
    Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"


  20. #80
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    Wife : "I had a dream. They were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

    Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

    Wife : "Those they gave away."

    Husband : "I had a dream too. They were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

    Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

    Husband : "That's where they held the auction


  21. #81
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    Gynaecologist to patient: "My word Mrs. Smith, you do have a big vagina vagina"

    Mrs. Smith: "You needn't say it twice"

    Gynaecologist: "I didn't!"


  22. #82
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!"

    I think he's dabbling in the Yakult...


  23. #83
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near
    Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has
    been notified..

    The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

    He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,
    a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.

    He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.

    The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any
    unnecessary embarrassment.


  24. #84
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    They say that 'sorry' is the hardest word, unless you are Japanese, in which case, its 'squirrel'.


  25. #85
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150


  26. #86
    Respected Member SimonH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Pampamga
    Posts
    3,728
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by fred View Post
    Gynaecologist to patient: "My word Mrs. Smith, you do have a big vagina vagina"

    Mrs. Smith: "You needn't say it twice"

    Gynaecologist: "I didn't!"


  27. #87
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150


  28. #88
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me".
    I said " it's a scarf."


  29. #89
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.???????????????????????????????/


  30. #90
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,433
    Rep Power
    150
    My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
    It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!


Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 1234567 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Fred's 2014 joke thread.
    By fred in forum Humour
    Replies: 216
    Last Post: 19th December 2014, 00:23
  2. Fred's 2013 joke thread
    By fred in forum Humour
    Replies: 294
    Last Post: 10th April 2014, 11:55
  3. Fred`s P.I construction thread.
    By fred in forum Living in the Philippines
    Replies: 146
    Last Post: 6th December 2013, 22:32
  4. Fred`s 2011 joke thread!!
    By fred in forum Humour
    Replies: 143
    Last Post: 25th August 2011, 07:43

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Filipino Forum : Philippine Forum