A very late, Freds 2012 joke thread.

[andy222]

brilliant fred.

[fred]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension cheque.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to have a glorious dinner with my friends. We
had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing.

I think it must have been those .......s at the Post Office

[fred]

China News - Confuses Rubber Vagina For Special Mushroom (Subtitled)!

[fred]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[fred]

My missus crashed her car into some guy this morning. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time.
The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory

[fred]

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Africanstring-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.


A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

[fred]

A man was telling his neighbour in Bolton;

‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it is state of the art - It’s perfect’

‘Really’ answered the neighbour ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty’

[fred]

Mexican firing squad.

[fred]

[grahamw48]

Hahaha....some great ones there.

[fred]

[fred]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[fred]

A Muslim has been shot by a starting pistol. The matter is definitely race- related.

[fred]

Two businessmen in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up



One said to the other,

"I bet any minute now some Jewish guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."



No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old Jewish man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"Vat ya sellin' here?"



One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling ass-holes."



Without skipping a beat, the old Jewish man said,

"Must be doing well, only two left."

[fred]

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be?"

One boy said, "I would choose *gold.* Its worth lots of money and I could buy a *Corvette."*Another boy said "I would want* platinum *because its worth more than gold and I could buy a* Porsche."*

The teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want?"

Johnny said "I would want* Silicone."*
"Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher.

"Well my mom got some, he replied. And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway!"

[fred]

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors.

Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.

[grahamw48]

Hahahahaa...quality.

[fred]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table, I said to her

"Good legs"

The girl giggled and said with a smile

"Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"

[raynaputi]

I hope you won't run out of these jokes Fred!

[markflores]

Fred, you really have some cool jokes, thanks.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,
so I gave her a shove and she fell over.