What happens if you say NO?

[triple5]

I was just reading over a thread about sending money to the Philippines for the wife's family - http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php?t=18606

and was wondering if anybody had ever said NO to this? Do most/all filipinas expect the husband to provide for the whole famlily back home? And if the husband says he's not prepared to offer that kind of support what are the consequences? Will he lose her respect/loyalty/love???

[Tawi2]

If he loses her love for saying "No" it was never love in the first place,but what I am about to say is fact,anyone can dispute it if they like BUT...There are pinays here in this country who didnt marry their respective hubbies for love,but rather to escape poverty in pinas and work abroad with the sole intention of sending cash back to pinas,thats fact,I heard of a pinay and her pinoy husband who hatched a plot,its an extreme but true example,the lady met an old italian guy online with the agreement of her pinoy husband,she had her philippine marriage annuled,now lives in Italy with the old italian guy,works and sends cash back to her husband and kids,sounds Bizzare?Theres nowt as queer as folks

[scottishbride]

I was just reading over a thread about sending money to the Philippines for the wife's family - http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php?t=18606

and was wondering if anybody had ever said NO to this? Do most/all filipinas expect the husband to provide for the whole famlily back home? And if the husband says he's not prepared to offer that kind of support what are the consequences? Will he lose her respect/loyalty/love???

In our case NO, when I met my husband he clearly said to me that he will only support ME! not my whole family. My Dad is a proud man and he never ask any of us to give them money. But when I was single, I used to send money at home, this is my way to thank them for all the good things they've done to me.

[IainBusby]

I was just reading over a thread about sending money to the Philippines for the wife's family - http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php?t=18606

and was wondering if anybody had ever said NO to this? Do most/all filipinas expect the husband to provide for the whole famlily back home? And if the husband says he's not prepared to offer that kind of support what are the consequences? Will he lose her respect/loyalty/love???

I have frequently said no and this sort of thing does tend to cause a lot of conflict and tampos in a relationship. You will probably find that unless you agree some guidelines with your wife (this is better done before she comes to the UK, or better still before you get married) and draw a line in the sand so to speak, the requests will start to come thick and fast and the amounts asked for will tend to increase as well.

Iain.

[pumpkins]

i dont understand why a lot of the filipina"s are spoiling their families..girls, dont take advantage of your husband generosity.I for one,am not going to uk to be a OFW of my family..i consider my role as a responsible wife first and foremost..This is part of our Filipino culture and also a deep rooted reason why some westerners are attracted to us in the first place..These girls who abuse their husbands in this way do much damage on the overall outlook on how the west look upon us.if there is a reason to help, it within reason and not by sending such extravagant things.we are really not helping our families instead, we are making them lazy..

[IainBusby]

i dont understand why a lot of the filipina"s are spoiling their families..girls, dont take advantage of your husband generosity.I for one,am not going to uk to be a OFW of my family..i consider my role as a responsible wife first and foremost..This is part of our Filipino culture and also a deep rooted reason why some westerners are attracted to us in the first place..These girls who abuse their husbands in this way do much damage on the overall outlook on how the west look upon us.if there is a reason to help, it within reason and not by sending such extravagant things.we are really not helping our families instead, we are making them lazy..

Nice to see a Filipina tell it like it is....... or how it's supposed to be at least.

[KeithD]

I married my wife to get out of the country....still stuck here!

[JimOttley]

If he loses her love for saying "No" it was never love in the first place,but what I am about to say is fact,anyone can dispute it if they like BUT...There are pinays here in this country who didnt marry their respective hubbies for love,but rather to escape poverty in pinas and work abroad with the sole intention of sending cash back to pinas,thats fact,I heard of a pinay and her pinoy husband who hatched a plot,its an extreme but true example,the lady met an old italian guy online with the agreement of her pinoy husband,she had her philippine marriage annuled,now lives in Italy with the old italian guy,works and sends cash back to her husband and kids,sounds Bizzare?Theres nowt as queer as folks

I know a couple in the Phils, the husband runs a contract car from Mall of Asia taxi stand, every so often he disappears for a while when his wifes Japanese boyfriend comes over to stay.

They have milked this guy for years, I hasten to add that these people are not friends but they are known to our family from long ago.

I was a bit upset after I found out the history, as we had entertained these people in our flat a few years ago and also got roped into using their taxi service a couple of times, Ana finds it hard to say NO.

I'm getting better at saying NO and for the last year or so the requests from the more remote relatives have dried up.

I don't mind helping immediate family but even there we can't really afford it any more.


Jim

[Tawi2]

Pimping his own wife Lots of things happen under the surface over there that defy the imagination

[IainBusby]

I'm getting better at saying NO and for the last year or so the requests from the more remote relatives have dried up.

I don't mind helping immediate family but even there we can't really afford it any more.

Jim

Requests from the extended family never even got off the starting blocks with me, I made it clear from the start that I would consider requests from immediate family only. I think this is absolutely necessary, as in most cases, when it comes to Filipino families, the extended family can be quite vast compared to your average British extended family. In my own case, my wife's mum and dad have 20 siblings between them. I've met so many cousins on the occasions that I've been to Phils and I get the impression that I've only just scratched the surface on that score.

I'm pretty sure that we are supporting the extended family to a certain extent and that some of the requests and remittances get shared around sometimes.

Iain.

[JimOttley]

I'm pretty sure that we are supporting the extended family to a certain extent and that some of the requests and remittances get shared around sometimes.

Iain.

That's almost a given there will always be times when a request comes in that seems a little fishy, I know for fact it got shared around in the past, everyone helps everyone and all that. But a surprisingly large number nowadays take and don't pass on or don't "turn back" as Ana says, when times are better for them.


Jim

[lizaphil]

I was just reading over a thread about sending money to the Philippines for the wife's family - http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php?t=18606

and was wondering if anybody had ever said NO to this? Do most/all filipinas expect the husband to provide for the whole famlily back home? And if the husband says he's not prepared to offer that kind of support what are the consequences? Will he lose her respect/loyalty/love???

did your wife had work???
or shes not working???
if she is working?she can also help her family not you!!!or she can send money back home if there is needed or emergency not to support the whole family...
because my hubby he dont want me to support all my family,but sometime i cant say to theme NO
because still my family you know? filipino culture...specially we are here abroad
they think we got lots of money,and if they wanted money they wanted now!!
i dont know why???
but that is our family

[tiN]

I was just reading over a thread about sending money to the Philippines for the wife's family - http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php?t=18606

and was wondering if anybody had ever said NO to this? Do most/all filipinas expect the husband to provide for the whole famlily back home? And if the husband says he's not prepared to offer that kind of support what are the consequences? Will he lose her respect/loyalty/love???

I understand your concern about helping the family in the Philippines.

In my view, helping is not an obligation. You're helping because you wanted to help.

In each family there is a different situation. In my family, I dont obligate my self to send money/gifts or help them. I send it because i am happy to do it as long as i know how to control it, As i know how hard it is to work/make money.

And speak to your wife/partner how you feel about it, as someone says "money is really sensitive issue"

[lizaphil]

I understand your concern about helping the family in the Philippines.

In my view, helping is not an obligation. You're helping because you wanted to help.

In each family there is a different situation. In my family, I dont obligate my self to send money/gifts or help them. I send it because i am happy to do it as long as i know how to control it, As i know how hard it is to work/make money.

And speak to your wife/partner how you feel about it, as someone says "money is really sensitive issue"

[triple5]

did your wife had work???
or shes not working???

Me? I'm not even married Just wondering how to cross that bridge if i get to it

[Pepe n Pilar]

I was just reading over a thread about sending money to the Philippines for the wife's family - http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php?t=18606

and was wondering if anybody had ever said NO to this? Do most/all filipinas expect the husband to provide for the whole famlily back home? And if the husband says he's not prepared to offer that kind of support what are the consequences? Will he lose her respect/loyalty/love???

In my opinion sending money to the family back home is not the wife's obligation neither the husband. If the wife sends gifts, presents or money may it be on regular basis or occasionally then that should be coming from her heart and not feel obliged. This should be talked about between the couple and should have agreed when to send and how much will be sent. If one is not agreeable to that then they should talk about it so as there would be no conflict.

Luckily, my family doesn't ask or expect from me and my husband knows that. If i send something to them that is coming from my heart and i am happy doing that. They too, are very thankful and even sends a thank you card or sometimes call me and my husband. My husband never say "no" because i never ask him to send. If i forget then he reminds me if we are going to send something.

Alhough it is a filipino culture that we filipinos are family oriented and we help families back home it is not the same on all families. Some of us here has family members who has their own earnings either from employment or businesses and/or are self sufficient and they don't rely from anyonelse's support simply because they want it that way.

[jaishann]

And speak to your wife/partner how you feel about it, as someone says "money is really sensitive issue"

yes it is sensitive and can cause trouble either between the husband and the fil wife or the fil's family.

[walesrob]

I married my wife to get out of the country....still stuck here!

But you only got as far as Wales

[gWaPito]

In my opinion sending money to the family back home is not the wife's obligation neither the husband. If the wife sends gifts, presents or money may it be on regular basis or occasionally then that should be coming from her heart and not feel obliged. This should be talked about between the couple and should have agreed when to send and how much will be sent. If one is not agreeable to that then they should talk about it so as there would be no conflict.

Luckily, my family doesn't ask or expect from me and my husband knows that. If i send something to them that is coming from my heart and i am happy doing that. They too, are very thankful and even sends a thank you card or sometimes call me and my husband. My husband never say "no" because i never ask him to send. If i forget then he reminds me if we are going to send something.

Alhough it is a filipino culture that we filipinos are family oriented and we help families back home it is not the same on all families. Some of us here has family members who has their own earnings either from employment or businesses and/or are self sufficient and they don't rely from anyonelse's support simply because they want it that way.

It's not a problem for you both because it sounds if you are sending ''gifts'' within your means. So good for you

[joebloggs]

did your wife had work???
or shes not working???
if she is working?she can also help her family not you!!!or she can send money back home if there is needed or emergency not to support the whole family...
because my hubby he dont want me to support all my family,but sometime i cant say to theme NO
because still my family you know? filipino culture...specially we are here abroad
they think we got lots of money,and if they wanted money they wanted now!!
i dont know why???
but that is our family

[MHG]

Here´s "our story" regarding supporting our family...

When i courted my darling (she´s my wife for 3.5 yrs now) i told her i can´t and won´t support her whole family but agree to "occasionally" support them if real need arises (i already knew the "tricks" some philippine families use when pretending they need support - even if it´s not the case...)

Before my wife arrived here (Germany) we made an "arrangement" regarding family support as she still felt obliged to support her sister´s education as a nurse.
My wife supported her family from the beginning when she worked in HKG as a domestic helper ...
Now, sister was in the final stage anyway
I agreed to help out for the limited time.
So, we sent reasonable money until she passed her exam.
Then we stopped support the family except for (really!) only occasional small amounts to my mother in-law (i am up-to-date on her financial status to be able to judge)
In between my brother in-law (first officer on a domestic ship) wanted to further educate to be able to apply for recruitment on foreign shipping companies. We agreed to pay the school and exam fees. But we made an agreement to transfer money in stages (only sending the next "installment" after he shows proof of passing the actual test ...
(this to make sure we won´t pay a lot of money that´s finally not used completely for what it´s intended for)
The whole family was aware of this !!!
But after finishing the first stage (already 1 yr ago) he failed to provide us with the certificate of the passed exam ...
So, my wife (and me) decided no further support !

Mrs MHG said: Now the family has no reason to complain that we don´t send any further money. They either sort it out themselves or no more support !

Until now we only sent money to mum once !!! And ??? NO COMPLAINTS so far !

[Jonnywina]

I've only been in the UK for nearly 2 weeks. Before I even left Philippines I made it clear to my parents that I would help them in some ways if needed but I wont be sending money If it is not really necessary. Especially when I do not have a job just yet. It would be embarrassing to ask money from my husband when I'm already here with him. I always thought, I will never oblige him to help nor send money to my family back in the philippines. If i ever have to do so, it would only be because I already have a job. I'll only give what I can afford and only when it's needed. It's not easy to earn money here.

I'm just glad my parents have never obliged me to send help to them..as a daughter I would help them in some ways...but there has to be limitations. I made it clear to them.

It's not bad if we say No..they can't expect us to say YES all the time.

[triple5]

@MHG Fair play, sounds like you've avoided a lot of problems by setting out the ground rules from early on.

@Jonnywina Well done for being firm and fair. I guess a lot of Filipinas when moving abroad are put under pressure from their families to send money back home, but by telling them the score from the beginning you will avoid a lot of future requests.

[GaryFifer]

Isn't the most precious thing you can give knowledge, rather than..money. Teaching a person how to make his own living, or learn a skill. I think books would be acceptable. But other than that, I draw the line at continuous gifts. Filipinos will build their own lives and be proud doing it themselves. Political and financial circumstances work against this, but they can be overcome.

[Sis Suze]

With the greatest of respect to cultural expectations and obligations, if any of my dear friends in the Philippines ASKED me for money, I would refuse. As many will know on here, I am in the process of sending my first balikbayan box to my friends but this was never asked for nor expected. I do this of my own volition because I choose to but even so, when I say what I have put in the box, I am told that I shouldn't buy stuff, only send used items which still have some use in them. My other friends say that they are happy with the contact messages and don't need me to send anything to them.
This is how I know they are genuine people. xxx

[GaryFifer]

Ok. But, point is, in Manila, the majority of goods and services are available in our country. I always try to think, what is unique in our lovely country, that is NOT available to Philippines. It is hard pressed to send anything that is not made in CHINA in UK, as our products from supermarkets are manufactured there.

So, what is uniquely British? Apart from our howling newspapers. Viz magazine, Private Eye, Marie Claire. Should create another thread for this!

[Sis Suze]

Ok. But, point is, in Manila, the majority of goods and services are available in our country. I always try to think, what is unique in our lovely country, that is NOT available to Philippines. It is hard pressed to send anything that is not made in CHINA in UK, as our products from supermarkets are manufactured there.

So, what is uniquely British? Apart from our howling newspapers. Viz magazine, Private Eye, Marie Claire. Should create another thread for this!

Things may be available in the Philippines but I don't send things because they are British goods, I send because these people have very little and cannot afford to buy them. I am horrified by what they consider 'normal', such as 2" thick foam on the floor to sleep on??
I don't have much myself in terms of money etc but I am happy and willing to share what I can with people less fortunate...and NO, I'm NOT a goody two shoes, just an ordinary person.

[GaryFifer]

Things may be available in the Philippines but I don't send things because they are British goods, I send because these people have very little and cannot afford to buy them. I am horrified by what they consider 'normal', such as 2" thick foam on the floor to sleep on??
I don't have much myself in terms of money etc but I am happy and willing to share what I can with people less fortunate...and NO, I'm NOT a goody two shoes, just an ordinary person.

Well from my point of view, my mahal is not here yet. So I am sharing UK stuff, to enlighten my mahal what kind of things to show more of our culture.Pictures, maps, books, stories.

Goody 2 shoes Marcos was miss goody two shoes. well.. miss lots of shoes.Foam on the floor? What's wrong with the lovely woven bamboo they have at the markets. Looked great.

[Sis Suze]

Well from my point of view, my mahal is not here yet. So I am sharing UK stuff, to enlighten my mahal what kind of things to show more of our culture.Pictures, maps, books, stories.

Goody 2 shoes Marcos was miss goody two shoes. well.. miss lots of shoes.Foam on the floor? What's wrong with the lovely woven bamboo they have at the markets. Looked great.

That makes sense if your lady is going to join you here, to share with her some of the cultural differences but my friends are unlikely to visit here and I am unlikely to visit there, so my concern for now is to make sure that they have one or two of life's little comforts to help them along.

[bornatbirth]

i never say no to my wife because at some point she will say no to me

i have read this thread and never seen or heard anything like the topics beening posted from my wifes family.

infact because of the above stories my wifes family go out of there way to be the complete opposite,like im out to dinner with my wifes family and they didnt like it if i payed but if my wife payed it wasnt a problem even when they knew the money was from me.

i guess we all have different experiencies