My friends problem....(wife who commits adultery)

[merlin1565]

As what I have said on my first thread (introduce yourself) I would like to seek an advice on this matter....

First of all it's not my case nor experience coz I could have said so (as no one knows me anyway). So please refrain from replying about insisting or suggesting that it is my case were in fact it's not.

OK I had friend Mr. N from the Phil, his whole family is already here in the UK. His wife first came here in the UK and after a year he migrated together with their children and be with his wife here in UK. They were all happy but one day Mr. N found out that his wide is having an affair with someone back home (Phil), his wife's co-employee. Mr N couldn't believe it himself what his wife have done to him. Although he claims that sometimes he took his wife for granted which he believes cause his wife to look for a fling. His wife is full of regrets for what she have done to him and she's sorry about and trying now everything to make up for him and for the kids. She even claims that she hurry up to process their visas just to be with them and end up the affair she had which my friend didn't buy coz she is still in contact with the guy ti'll he found out the thing. But, the good news is they were happy now and trying to patch and fix the marriage. My friend had forgiven his wife but my friend had a hard time gettin over it that everytime they had even the slightest misunderstading it burst into a big one cause he always recall the incident.

What advice will I give him to forget it? He's my best frind since high school that's why he opens up this thing to me as we're like brothers,but I felt I am letting him down as I could get a decent advice to give him.

I know his wife really regrets and felt sorry for everything coz it show when I visit them to their house, she became more caring and sweeter to my friend than she use to backhome(Phil).Though she doesn't know that I know something about her love affair. But my friend can't get over it.

Thanks for any advice...

[Tawi2]

1)Get another wife
2)can the guy not have an affair with a neighbour working on the premis whats good for the goose is good for the gander

Both pieces of advice are in keeping with a documented agony aunt in Pinas who,when asked by a puti how should he explain his live in Pinay mistress to his wife who was due to be visiting him in Manila from their marital home in australia told the ex-pat to buy the pinay kabit a maids outfit and pretend she was a maid for the month his wife was in pinas Pinay logic huh?You figure it out

[aposhark]

What advice will I give him to forget it?...

I really think this is an issue for him to solve.

If he can forgive his wife and forget what she has done or if he cannot forgive her and wants to end their marriage, then that is his decision.

The soul-searching should be for him to do and I think you should ask him to take time and look inside himself to find the next step.

[Jay&Zobel]

1) They were all happy
2) the good news is they were happy now
3) trying to patch and fix the marriage.
4) My friend had forgiven his wife
5) his wife really regrets and felt sorry for everything
6) she became more caring and sweeter ...

(See the difference from the original post)



Count the good things that happened, is happening & going to happen!

I know it's difficult for your friend to just get over with it, but if he is willing, amazing things might happen, we never know...

Good luck to your friend & his family and don't stop caring for them

[Pepe n Pilar]

I know his wife really regrets and felt sorry for everything coz it show when I visit them to their house, she became more caring and sweeter to my friend than she use to backhome(Phil).Though she doesn't know that I know something about her love affair. But my friend can't get over it.

Thanks for any advice...

"Let bygone's be bygone's". Don't worry or fret about something that happened in the past. Let the past be the past and move on.

[Sophie]

I really think this is an issue for him to solve.

If he can forgive his wife and forget what she has done or if he cannot forgive her and wants to end their marriage, then that is his decision.

The soul-searching should be for him to do and I think you should ask him to take time and look inside himself to find the next step.

I TOTALLY AGREE ON THIS ONE
The guy has been hurt and it's not something you can just forget over night.
Trust is very crucial in every relationship/marriage, and if you break that trust, it's not that easy to gain it back.........
So you cannot also blame the guy for having a hard time getting over his wife's infidelity.
Now, he has to make up his mind if he will keep her or not,
if he decides to give her up as he feels he just cannot trust her again
and her infidelity will haunt him for the rest of his life, then he is entitled to that....
But once he decides to keep her, he has to completely accept her and get over the mistakes she did in the past
and not dig up her infidelity and slap it on her face every chance he gets and everytime they fight.....
He has to completely let go of the past and give his wife a chance to prove her remorse and make up for her mistakes as she is already doing......
As for the wife, she has a lot to make up and she not only needs to win back her husband's trust - she has to EARN it all over again......and that takes time....
What she did is definitely wrong and she has to suffer the consequences of her actions and her ultimate betrayal....
In the first place, she should have known better.........

[Pepe n Pilar]

How to Gain Trust Back After an Affair - Rebuild Your Relationship

Is it already too late? She's probably thinking that there is no way she'll ever be forgiven after having an affair. She is really in big trouble this time. She realizes the mistake she has made because she has lost something she can never have again. Now, she is trying to figure out how to gain trust back after having an affair in a relationship.

Most people believe that if a partner had an affair it is enough cause to end a relationship. But there are also those who disagree. I think a relationship can be saved regardless of how crazy things may be, if both parties are willing to work it out.

However, in situations where cheating is involve it would certainly require more effort and hard work. Rebuilding trust after an affair requires an adjustment in your attitude and in your course of action.
There is no excuse for hurting her husband the way she did. She cannot undo what she has done but the good news is she can fix it which she already is doing. But before she can make amends she will have to recall what made her or pushed her to be unfaithful.

She has to ask herself some basic questions like, when she strayed, was there something she is looking for she feels is missing in their relationship. Was it the sex? Does he lack quality time together or communication? Was he too busy to be with her? Was she looking for someone who looks a bit more good looking and someone who spends time to make himself lovable?

Let's face it, she will not get into another affair if she is happy with how their relationship is going. If she wants to get back together with her husband she must first make sure that she will not commit the same mistakes again.

Make an honest self analysis of the situation. Find out how she can fix the core issues and problems of the relationship. After she has pinpointed the main problem only then she can try to fix restoring the lost trust between them.

In some instances it requires the couple to undergo marriage or relationship counseling. This is a big step for both of them if they want to really understand each others thoughts. However, she must also be ready to make concrete steps to clear things out.

The best she can do right now is not only to make small promises but make sure she has the will and strength to keep them. That includes even the smallest promises. Or take a sincere effort to know his family or support him in his job and undertakings. This is the key to healing and regain her husband's trust. Do it and do it consistently.

If her husband sees that she is really serious in keeping her word, this will help a great deal in gaining the trust back. When she has proved that she is worthy to be trusted even in small things, he will give her a second chance and take the risk to trust her again.

Her words and more importantly, her actions should assure her husband that she has already changed. She has to be prepared to treat comments about her cheating to surface every once in a while. Give him time to forget. If she really wants to be with him, she should learn to be patient.

Learning how to gain trust back after infidelity takes time. It requires a change in ones attitude and actions. Just keep a positive outlook in the situation and believe that you can bring back the intimacy and love you once shared and heal the wound that damaged what was once a beautiful relationship.

In the next two minutes you will be on your way to rebuilding your relationship without losing your self-respect.

Everyone has made mistakes in the past. They can learn from it.

[Tawi2]

Simplistic view but he either has to totally forgive and forget,that means no more mentioning it even in the heat of an argument or he has to ditch/dump her and walk away like a man wronged But as I read what you wrote Merlin Mr N cant do that because methinks he is financially reliant on his wife as she came here first,maybe a nurse?If he walks away he has to fly back to Pinas But I guess he can never really forgive,certainly cant forget,so is he going to walk?

[bornatbirth]

maybe you sholud tell the husband to start treating her like a loving wife,people only look eslewhere when they dont get at home?

[Sophie]

How to Gain Trust Back After an Affair - Rebuild Your Relationship

Is it already too late? She's probably thinking that there is no way she'll ever be forgiven after having an affair. She is really in big trouble this time. She realizes the mistake she has made because she has lost something she can never have again. Now, she is trying to figure out how to gain trust back after having an affair in a relationship.

Most people believe that if a partner had an affair it is enough cause to end a relationship. But there are also those who disagree. I think a relationship can be saved regardless of how crazy things may be, if both parties are willing to work it out.

However, in situations where cheating is involve it would certainly require more effort and hard work. Rebuilding trust after an affair requires an adjustment in your attitude and in your course of action.
There is no excuse for hurting her husband the way she did. She cannot undo what she has done but the good news is she can fix it which she already is doing. But before she can make amends she will have to recall what made her or pushed her to be unfaithful.

She has to ask herself some basic questions like, when she strayed, was there something she is looking for she feels is missing in their relationship. Was it the sex? Does he lack quality time together or communication? Was he too busy to be with her? Was she looking for someone who looks a bit more good looking and someone who spends time to make himself lovable?

Let's face it, she will not get into another affair if she is happy with how their relationship is going. If she wants to get back together with her husband she must first make sure that she will not commit the same mistakes again.

Make an honest self analysis of the situation. Find out how she can fix the core issues and problems of the relationship. After she has pinpointed the main problem only then she can try to fix restoring the lost trust between them.

In some instances it requires the couple to undergo marriage or relationship counseling. This is a big step for both of them if they want to really understand each others thoughts. However, she must also be ready to make concrete steps to clear things out.

The best she can do right now is not only to make small promises but make sure she has the will and strength to keep them. That includes even the smallest promises. Or take a sincere effort to know his family or support him in his job and undertakings. This is the key to healing and regain her husband's trust. Do it and do it consistently.

If her husband sees that she is really serious in keeping her word, this will help a great deal in gaining the trust back. When she has proved that she is worthy to be trusted even in small things, he will give her a second chance and take the risk to trust her again.

Her words and more importantly, her actions should assure her husband that she has already changed. She has to be prepared to treat comments about her cheating to surface every once in a while. Give him time to forget. If she really wants to be with him, she should learn to be patient.

Learning how to gain trust back after infidelity takes time. It requires a change in ones attitude and actions. Just keep a positive outlook in the situation and believe that you can bring back the intimacy and love you once shared and heal the wound that damaged what was once a beautiful relationship.

In the next two minutes you will be on your way to rebuilding your relationship without losing your self-respect.

Everyone has made mistakes in the past. They can learn from it.

VERY WELL SAID IYE, I TOTALLY AGREE

[Tawi2]

The only thing is she has tasted forbidden fruits once,were they sweet I dont think in all honesty I could trust again,I have too much self-respect for myself,I would always have visions/flashbacks of her naked with another guy

[Tawi2]

Guys look at these things a little different from women,women are all about good advice and forgiveness,guys in this situation,in my case anyway would be about anger and makabalos I would never be able to kiss her again knowing where her mouth has been

[bornatbirth]

how do you know hes not at fault too?

guys like to do man things and leave the wife to live a life of boredom!

[Tawi2]

Thats true,but she was here a year before the guy,the guy sounds like a babysitter/househusband,she had the fling with her co-worker back in pinas,once again maybe the husband was a house-husband,happens a lot in pinas,in Hong Kong I met plenty of married women in the discos of wanchai who were working abroad while the husband was at home in pinas looking after the kids,mind you,I also met plenty of married pinoys who were doing the same thing But I know several pinays who came here leaving husbands looking after the kids back in Pinas,met a guy here...........

[Pepe n Pilar]

Although he claims that sometimes he took his wife for granted which he believes cause his wife to look for a fling.

[Sophie]

The only thing is she has tasted forbidden fruits once,were they sweet I dont think in all honesty I could trust again,I have too much self-respect for myself,I would always have visions/flashbacks of her naked with another guy

same here
It will be so hard getting me to trust a person again after being betrayed,
but i can try my best, specially if the person is worth giving a second chance,
but it would be really hard............however i'm not keen on going through this very bad predicament in the future or ever

[Sophie]

Guys look at these things a little different from women,women are all about good advice and forgiveness,guys in this situation,in my case anyway would be about anger and makabalos I would never be able to kiss her again knowing where her mouth has been

thats definitely understandable
When a man gets cheated on, its not only his heart that breaks, but his pride as well, and pride is very important to a man, it is synonymous to his self repect and manhood

[Tawi2]

Good girl sophie,its a situation best avoided I think once a woman has done that,every time she is even 10 minutes late home at night your always going to think................. Or if she gets a lift home from a male work colleague.......... Or even if she has a little light hearted banter with a guy in the queue in Tescos...............

[Tawi2]

Sophie,you should be a male psychologist or life-coach Correct,its a small thing which the old truism states often comes before a fall,male pride,made me do stupid things in the past,I think most guys are the same,but if I was in Mr N's shoes(glad I am not,he sounds like a james bond type villain)even though I was financially dependant on Mrs N I would walk away,plane back home,forget her(But hope she still remmits me some money).

[Sophie]

forget her(But hope she still remmits me some money).

Have some pride, even if she remits, do not accept

[Tawi2]

Your joking she better remmit,I need money for san-mig,sabong,and sexy kabits

[Sophie]

Your joking she better remmit,I need money for san-mig,sabong,and sexy kabits

rip her off as a sweet revenge?

[Mrs.JMajor]

Just guess, he wont forget it, and everytime they had arguement he will think of it, remember pinoy guys doesnt like "maipotan sa ulo" (pooh in his head) the pride, so just my opinion I think if he cant forget then leave her,

[Tawi2]

I dont think any guys would like a woman to poo on their heads Mrs M,unless they are scatology fetishists,though I did once see a japanese "specialist movie in which................... and I still have nightmares about two girls one cup

[Pepe n Pilar]

I will definitely give him a second chance if the person is worth it because i love him unconditionally ... that is inspite of, no if's and but... but.. with one condition.. he will gain back the lost trust from me if he won't make the same mistakes again.
Awwww. loving unconditionally with condition... am i on the right thread?

[Tawi2]

Wrong thread P&P,its the woman who has wandered and erred,not the guy,men dont do that sort of thing

[Sophie]

I will definitely give him a second chance if the person is worth it because i love him unconditionally ... that is inspite of, no if's and but... but.. with one condition.. he will regain the lost trust from me if he won't make the same mistakes again.
Awwww. loving unconditionally with condition... am i on the right thread?

it makes sense a lot of sense Since this is the very situation where you will be tested of your unconditional love for your partner

[Pepe n Pilar]

I will only love a person if he doesn't lift a finger on me, and if he doesn't make kabits..

Huh! this is love with condition....

[Sophie]

I will only love a person if he doesn't lift a finger on me, and if he doesn't make kabits..

Huh! this is love with condition....

Love is ideally meant to be unconditional but i guess there are exceptions, hence making love conditional to some extent
Besides, if your husband/wife cheats on you or hits you, he/she is breaking and violating 2 of the 10 commandments
in this case, unconditonal love probably does not apply anymore

[Pepe n Pilar]

same here
It will be so hard getting me to trust a person again after being betrayed,
but i can try my best, specially if the person is worth giving a second chance,

I just made an elaboration on this "but i can try my best, especially if the person is worth giving a second chance.....
i just added "because i love him unconditionally...." .... which is interrelated.....

Wrong thread P&P,its the woman who has wandered and erred,not the guy,men dont do that sort of thing

it's a joke.... asking if i'm on the right thread...