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  1. #1
    Respected Member Alan's Avatar
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    Smile I am back - AGAIN!!

    G'day ladies and Bruces,

    Well, after 8 days at death's door, (How can you be at death's door? I mean, where does he/she/it live? Hell, 10, Downing St.? Liverpool?), I am finally back in the land of the living - no, not Cleethorpes! What I mean to say is thus:

    Just over a week ago, I was awoken by a tap on the shoulder - I was sleeping in the sink! As I struggled back to bed, I had this strange feeling - a feeling like someone had grabbed hold of my stomach, squeezed it, twisted it and was then trying to pull it out through my - errr, - bottom!

    In other words, I was very, very ill!

    I put up with it through Saturday and Sunday but by this time the violent stomach pains were accompanied by nausea, headaches, severe 'runs' and Kenny Ball's Jazzmen.

    I felt like 'death warmed up.' (Another strange one there - I mean, who knows what death warmed up feels like? Who knows what death feels like? And, how can you 'warm it up?' Take 4 oz. of death and put it in the oven for 10 mins. on gas mark 5.

    Monday morning saw me at the local abbatoir, sorry, clinic, where I was seen after only about 20 mins. wait. BP 135 over 80 - weight 77.8 kg. temp. 37.8.
    A very nice doctor told me that he would send me to a local hospital to be checked out thoroughly.

    Minutes later, I entered what can only be described as Ground Zero with windows!! I'm sure that it was the same hospital that my late uncle Frank attended all those years ago. Waking after major surgery, the doctor said to uncle Frank, " Sir, I have some bad news for you and some good news."
    Uncle Frank, understandably concerned, retorted, " What is the bad news?" to which the doctor replied, " I am so sorry sir, but we found it necessary to amputate both of your legs."
    Uncle Frank took several minutes to compose himself after this staggering revelation. He somehow found the words, "So, what is the good news?"
    The doctor, sedately, responded, "The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your bedroom slippers!"

    I digress -

    Much to my chagrin, I sauntered down cockroach infested corridors until I found the office of one Dr. Micael Gonzalez. (Yes, that is the correct spelling of Mikeal!) Why is spelling so damn difficult? Why do we have silent 'h's and silent 'k's etc..etc..?
    In fact, I think I shall adopt a few silent 'p's in MY name. Henceforth I shall spell my name - APLAPPPNP - remember, all the 'p's are silent. That would make a nice change actually, 'cos all the 'p's aren't silent in my apartment here - you can hear people having a slash from 3 doors away!! Not nice when you're pouring a drink of lemon and lime!!!!

    About an hour later came the news nobody wants to hear!!! Labour have won another election!! - No, No, I jest! - Well, I jest wanted to hear what was wrong with me actually!!! Was I going to die? Or was I going tomorrow???!!!

    Doctor Muchial informed me of the following:-

    I was suffering from chronic gastoenteritis and severe dehydration!!!
    I argued his findings thus - I could not be suffering from gastroenteritis as I have an electric stove at home, also, dehydration??? Not a chance! I left Stalybridge these 30 years past and not once have I lost sleep over no longer visiting Hyde!!!!

    He put me straight on his diagnosis! I felt such a fool!!! But then the fool left the room, threatening to sue for sexual abuse!!!

    I was therefore prescribed copious amounts of Latin sounding medicines and told to rest for a week. I therefore have done just that, sweating out the most unpleasant of illnesses !! I am glad and relieved to report that I am now 'over the worst' and that I am back with my serious, to the point, informative meanderings on this, the Oscar of all forums.

    God bless you all, hi to everyone new, happy birthday Keith, Shelly, Fred and anyone else who I may have missed - except for Darren Thurlman of Stanley Road, Spalding! I hate his guts!!!!

    Many congrats to all who have received Visas! I am insanely jealous of you but also very pleased for you.

    My sympathies go out to the billions of Oldham fans all over the world as we once again succeed in our world-breaking attempt to go from top of the league to bottom in a world record space of time!

    Hi to The King, Elvis! I know you're reading this somewhere sir!

    I AM BACK!

    Al.

    All events and names in the above post are fictional and any reference to people alive, dead or undead are purely accidental, on purpose!
    Pressed rat and warthog closed down their shop!


  2. #2
    Respected Member mavid's Avatar
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    Welcome back. Glad you're feeling better Alan.


  3. #3
    Administrator KeithD's Avatar
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    Oh bugger.......the wife's lost the receipt so we're now stuck with the wreath
    Keith Driscoll - Administrator
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  4. #4
    Respected Member lavander's Avatar
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    Sir Alan,
    Welcome back (Nth Time) n
    ... hope everything goes well with you!..
    Keep moving on...


  5. #5
    Respected Member Pepe n Pilar's Avatar
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    Welcome back Prof. Alan. Looking forward to more nice posts again from you...

    Hope you're doing well. Give my regards to Hanna...
    " The people who mean something to your life are not rated "the best" don't have the most money, haven't won the greatest prizes....
    They are the ones who care about you, take care of you, those who, no matter what, stay close by... "


  6. #6
    Respected Member nigel's Avatar
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    Welcome back Alan! Your sillyness is worthy of a Monty Python movie!

    There are 7 Planes Of Existance:

    7 — Material Plane: The earth, where you are right now.
    6 — Plane of Forces
    5 — Astral Plane
    4 — Mental Plane
    3 — Too mysterious to describe.
    2 — Too mysterious to describe.
    1 — Too mysterious to describe.




  7. #7
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    Welcome back Prof Allan

    Good to hear that ur ok now
    It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good to check up once in a while to make sure you haven't lost the things that money can't buy.


  8. #8
    Respected Member nids123's Avatar
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    welcome back orof alan.


  9. #9
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    Welcome back, Al.


  10. #10
    Respected Member Alan's Avatar
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    Smile

    Thank you everyone! You are all so kind - I don't deserve it! (More, more!!!)

    Al.
    Pressed rat and warthog closed down their shop!


  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alan View Post
    I don't deserve it!

    Al.
    We know... We know.....


  12. #12
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    I didnt realize you gone somewhere


    Anyhow welcome home

    and where is Hannah in all that struggling sickness


  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs.JMajor View Post
    and where is Hannah in all that struggling sickness
    Busy replenishing the Tabo............


  14. #14
    Respected Member Alan's Avatar
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    Smile

    It was Hanna who forced me to seek medical treatment! In the UK I never go to the doctor's - well, how can I? I am ill!

    I think that the last time I saw a doctor in the UK - his name was Frankenstein!

    Serious question though! I have now recovered from my illness but - by lunchtime every day, I am SOOOO tired! I am now thinking of resigning from my job because I no longer have the stamina to last all day. Actually, this is the reason for my lack of postings recently, I have been returning from work at about 6.00 pm. and going to bed about 7.30 or 8.

    This is so unlike me and I am a tad worried!

    Anybody any thoughts?

    All the best to England for tonight!
    All the best to Jensen Button for tomorrow.
    All the worst to Leyton Orient for tonight!

    Al.
    Pressed rat and warthog closed down their shop!


  15. #15
    Administrator KeithD's Avatar
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    Have you tried 3 Weetabix?
    Keith Driscoll - Administrator
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  16. #16
    Respected Member Alan's Avatar
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    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by Win2Win View Post
    Have you tried 3 Weetabix?
    Keith, I can get the Weetabix - but not the fresh milk!!!

    Al.
    Pressed rat and warthog closed down their shop!


  17. #17
    Respected Member Sconnie's Avatar
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    Welcome back Al
    Pleased your on the road to recovery.
    JOHN and VANESSA


  18. #18
    Administrator KeithD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alan View Post
    Keith, I can get the Weetabix - but not the fresh milk!!!

    Al.
    Buy a bull!!!!!
    Keith Driscoll - Administrator
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  19. #19
    Respected Member Alan's Avatar
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    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by Win2Win View Post
    Buy a bull!!!!!
    Of course! Any odd jobs?

    Al.
    Pressed rat and warthog closed down their shop!


  20. #20
    Respected Member somebody's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Win2Win View Post
    Buy a bull!!!!!
    Surely its the Bulls Wife Alan needs to help make his weetabix edible? I think you may be putting the wrong white liquid on your Cereal boss
    Oh lord why did you make so many clothes and shoe shops


  21. #21
    Administrator KeithD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somebody View Post
    Surely its the Bulls Wife Alan needs to help make his weetabix edible? I think you may be putting the wrong white liquid on your Cereal boss
    No wonder it's been taking so long to fill the bottle
    Keith Driscoll - Administrator
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  22. #22
    Respected Member Sconnie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alan View Post

    Serious question though! I have now recovered from my illness but - by lunchtime every day, I am SOOOO tired! I am now thinking of resigning from my job because I no longer have the stamina to last all day. Actually, this is the reason for my lack of postings recently, I have been returning from work at about 6.00 pm. and going to bed about 7.30 or 8.

    This is so unlike me and I am a tad worried!

    Anybody any thoughts?
    Al, it's normal after an illness such as yours to feel tired and lack stamina, you will feel your normal self soon, you just have to build your strength and stamina back up, give yourself a little time.
    JOHN and VANESSA


  23. #23
    Administrator KeithD's Avatar
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    Just work on your stamina Al.....you know the average is 3 seconds....so you shouldn't have to work on it long to get back at that level
    Keith Driscoll - Administrator
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