How I messed up a promising relationship

[pacificelectric]

This relation started pretty well six months ago and ended up brutally yesterday on my initiative. She found me on FH and expressed interest but I was initially reluctant because I am nearly 54 and she was 28. She was from Davao City and we engaged in a regular correspondence, exchanged photos and I started phoning her after a while. We were just friends at first although she hinted that she was expecting more and it slowly appeared that we were attracted to each other and we became closer after a couple of months and I phoned her more than before.

Well we did not speak that much of our past, and I was a bit apprehensive and reluctant to discuss that knowing from experience that digging the person’s past can lead to embarrassing and difficult situations but yesterday we had a phone conversation and then she suggested we saw each other on cam which never did before. I agreed and we started a YM session. She said she wanted me to visit her this July and I had already agreed on that and went on saying we could get married quite soon after and then she started asking questions about my ex-wife and my ex-girlfriends and I answered her although I did not like the way this conversation was heading and to some extent I felt compelled to ask her the same type of questions and I already knew from before she had already been in a long distance relationship before, but at that moment I did know much details about that.

She went on saying that she had had four bf in total, three Filipinos and the last one was a man from Canada, a Haitian. At that stage I really felt upset and uncomfortable but she did not realize and went on saying that he visited her in 2005 and they had a hard time as her aunt (she lives with her mother and aunt) imposed them 2 cousins as chaperones all the time. At that moment I felt so upset I found an excuse to stop the chat and that was the end of it.

The whole afternoon I kept racking my brains about the whole thing and decided she was not for me. In the evening I sent her a short e-mail to advise her that it was over and this relation was terminated. I guess I don’t have enough hindsight to see clearly what’s going on with me. I am putting the thing on the forum hoping someone can express his or her opinion. I am not asking advice on how to go back into the past and mending the love story. For me it is over and there is no other way, but at least I wish to understand what triggered this brutal decision.

I have been married once and had a bad experience, so did the fact that she mentioned her wish to marry quickly made me step back? Or as some will probably think – and I am ready to face that option – am I unconsciously, under a varnish of political correctness, a racist jerk who cannot tolerate that his gf dated a colored man before him? I have to admit I do not feel very happy: I messed up a relation which could have perhaps worked out nicely and I certainly hurt and disappointed her but I could not resist – I felt I had to do it now and not wait any further. Thanks for reading this!

[Pepe n Pilar]

Perhaps her intentions of telling you about her past relationships is for you to tell yours as well. She should have done it nicely.... There are things not to be said and things to be said. She should learn about that. Though we know that honesty is important in a relationship still one has to be discreet about it if it will badly affect the relationship. If she wanted to know about your past relationships she may do so but in a nice manner and at the right time. I understand how you feel.

There are many ways on how to know more about the person you admire/love. If i were on her shoes, i would suggest to exchange emails with certain topics on it. Topics like your highs school days/college days, your family, your childhood, your past relationships, how are you when in love.... something like that. So at least it is not that directly asked as what she did to you.

I wish you the best of luck Pacificelectric in looking for the right girl for you.
Cheers!.

[pacificelectric]

Thanks, I'll survive...... but in the last message I sent her to advise her of my decision I still could not resist telling her she should not ask some questions and disclose some private information if she wanted to get in a lasting relationship.

[Pepe n Pilar]

yes you're right. People are different. She is very vocal as i could see in your statements about her. Some people speak if they are asked about it but some just go on and on without thinking what they are saying........

[Colin]

Maybe i have missed something in your post but what did this girl do wrong?

It seems maybe you have some issues to sort out before engaging in another relationship.....

[Tiggers0608]

is there something else happened that u didn't include in ur post that why u decided to break up with her

or that's it

just curious

[Gavanddal]

Obviously at your age you've got a lot of history, ex-wife, ex-girlfriends etc but it seems that you can't handle a women who's had ex's?

I'm confused, you entered a relationship with a far younger woman but didn't want her to ask about your past and you perhaps didn't expect her to have a past of her own?

Seems like you either want a girl so young that she's had no past relationships or one your own age who has equal life experiences.

[scott&ligaya]

Maybe i have missed something in your post but what did this girl do wrong?

It seems maybe you have some issues to sort out before engaging in another relationship.....

Unless we missed something I am with Colin on this one

[Mrs.JMajor]

I'm confused,

Thats what i thought of......thats why when i read the thread ,i just click new post again...because i cant relate

Or you dont love her that much ,cause when you know that she been with another man,you discouraged already
hard to find VIRGIN at this time

[pacificelectric]

Thanks for your comments... yes indeed there is some sort of issue I have to sort out!

[aromulus]

Thanks for your comments... yes indeed there is some sort of issue I have to sort out!

" Il sont fous ces gaules"**.....
** Copyright Goscinni & Uderzo.........

She went on saying that she had had four bf in total, three Filipinos and the last one was a man from Canada, a Haitian.
am I unconsciously, under a varnish of political correctness, a racist jerk who cannot tolerate that his gf dated a colored man before him?

You may well have hit the nail right on the head....

[aposhark]

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me being frank.

To me, it seems you do not really love this lady as so many issues came up.
When you love someone, it is like wiping the slate clean and starting with a blank canvas.
None of us are perfect and (for love to blossom) we should accept a partner with no conditions.

It was not her fault that she had a past.....you have a past too.
Don't be too judgemental with people.
I would suggest you do some soul-searching to really find out if you are ready to give and receive love.

She is probably very upset and confused now.

Try to be supportive and forgiving.....treat people as you want to be treated.
If you give a lot of love and receive only a little, you will be happy as the feeling of giving is heart-warming.
Her life experiences should bring you closer if you love her, not split you up.

Try to lose the baggage of your previous life. To make a go of a new relationship means your heart should be wide open and ready to enjoy but also ready to forgive.

Best of luck.

[Jay&Zobel]

Obviously at your age you've got a lot of history, ex-wife, ex-girlfriends etc but it seems that you can't handle a women who's had ex's?

I'm confused, you entered a relationship with a far younger woman but didn't want her to ask about your past and you perhaps didn't expect her to have a past of her own?

Seems like you either want a girl so young that she's had no past relationships or one your own age who has equal life experiences.

i like your reply

[pacificelectric]

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me being frank.

No I don't. I appreciate your input. What puzzles me is that I have already been involved with women with a past (my ex-wife had already been married twice before we got involved and the first Filipina I got involved with on FH had been visited by several suitors from various parts of the world....) and it was not such a big deal so far.

In fact I think I have been far more tolerant in previous situations especially when this other Filipina sent me photos of her and her ex-bf with her and I did not jump to the ceiling (although with hindsight this was perhaps a bit borderline and clumsy from her part!!). Incidentally, I broke up with her when she started telling me she had received messaged from one of these ex-bf and she claimed she was a bit hesitant so I decided for her.

So I obviously felt less tolerant this recent time and this indeed puzzles me..

[tiN]

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me being frank.

To me, it seems you do not really love this lady as so many issues came up.
When you love someone, it is like wiping the slate clean and starting with a blank canvas.
None of us are perfect and (for love to blossom) we should accept a partner with no conditions.

It was not her fault that she had a past.....you have a past too.
Don't be too judgemental with people.
I would suggest you do some soul-searching to really find out if you are ready to give and receive love.

She is probably very upset and confused now.

Try to be supportive and forgiving.....treat people as you want to be treated.
If you give a lot of love and receive only a little, you will be happy as the feeling of giving is heart-warming.
Her life experiences should bring you closer if you love her, not split you up.

Try to lose the baggage of your previous life. To make a go of a new relationship means your heart should be wide open and ready to enjoy but also ready to forgive.

Best of luck.

I agree with u

[Mrs.JMajor]

I agree with u

I second the motion for you Tin

[Piamed]

Dear Pacific Electric

Please let me compliment you on your post which I found thought-provoking and self-deprivatingly honest. I think your posting deserves and indeed demands, a commensurate response. For the sake of openness and because a persons stance can influence how they see things, I declare that I am ever so slightly darker than average.

Well we did not speak that much of our past, and I was a bit apprehensive and reluctant to discuss that knowing from experience that digging the person’s past can lead to embarrassing and difficult situations

I have read that men are generally less accepting of a partner’s past than are women. This is particularly the case when men have put them on a pedestal believing that the individual is virtually perfect in their own eye. Many women for their own part know or feel intuitively, that it is better to come across as unspoiled as is possible to the man they love.

I have certainly been guilty in the past, of not giving a woman a chance because she casually revealed something that she considered old news but I considered information that drew her away from the positioning she had previously occupied in my mind; particularly when it came later rather than sooner.

and then she started asking questions about my ex-wife and my ex-girlfriends and I answered her although I did not like the way this conversation was heading and to some extent I felt compelled to ask her the same type of questions….

I suspect that you felt uncomfortable talking about your exes because there are some aspects of your past that you feel nervy about revealing and also because you knew that you were going to be drawn into asking about her past and did not want to hear her possible answers to sensitive questions which would cause you to detach from her.

and I already knew from before she had already been in a long distance relationship before, but at that moment I did know much details about that.

So in principle that she had a long-distance relationship with some obscure individual did not bother you.

In fact I think I have been far more tolerant in previous situations especially when this other Filipina sent me photos of her and her ex-bf with her and I did not jump to the ceiling.

Further evidence.

She went on saying that she had had four bf in total, three Filipinos and the last one was a man from Canada, a Haitian. At that stage I really felt upset and uncomfortable but she did not realize and went on saying that he visited her in 2005 and they had a hard time as her aunt (she lives with her mother and aunt) imposed them 2 cousins as chaperones all the time. At that moment I felt so upset I found an excuse to stop the chat and that was the end of it.

I think the crux of your reaction is rooted here. That you had the reaction you did, in itself and in my book, does not mean you are a racist.

Whatever thoughts/impressions you harbor towards Haitians specifically or group of people you classify them into generally, you probably and suddenly associated with your lady. You may have an impression of what a woman outside that group would have to be like to be with a man like that. Please note that I’m speculating and raising points for debate; I’m not trying to tell you who you are.

I once chatted to a Filipina who told me that she wanted a black man. I withdrew from her instantly, for several reasons:

1. She had a stereotypical view of black men and thus I thought she was at best quite stupid
2. She was preoccupied with what she thought she knew about ALL black men sexually. I thought that ignorant and an unattractive trait.

I met another woman who said something about wanting a black man. She never focused on anything cheap or sleazy but I did not like that she had a penchant for black men. Then I came head on to my own issues. Even though she had her own explanations, all I could see was her with an uneducated thug with his pants halfway across his butt and a few gold teeth in his mouth that simultaneously bonked several women and tried to get them all pregnant. Wow, have I got issues! I needed to look into that deeply, then found out it is because the first 2 black men I met in the Phils were exactly like that.

Once, I was in a small city in da Phils and would often get comments such as, “oh, you are the one people were talking about”. It turned out it was a 5’8” American guy with tattoos all over his head and neck, gold teeth, huge chains, that walked around with a bottle of London Gin in his hand along with a pok-pok who looked the part. I guess I resented that they thought I was the same as this guy. Apologies to anyone with gold-teeth, tattoos on their head and neck, I was just trying to make a particular point.

I have been married once and had a bad experience…

Did the bad experience involve a black man or any other you believe may have had similar traits with this Haitian guy?

…who cannot tolerate that his gf dated a coloured man before him

For a variety of your own personal reasons that may be your reality. I do not necessarily believe that makes you a racist. Only you know the reasons that you feel this way. If you are so inclined you may consider to delve into it and deal with it if you feel the need.

A few years back, a very close female friend of mine that I'd worked with for 3 years previously, met a guy and got engaged. The first I knew of his issue with me was when I was introduced to him at his engagement party. A little worse for alcohol this huge bruiser of a man approached me aggressively when he saw his lady hugging me as i came in and said, "you may have a big one but i've more weight pushing it in". It was extremely coarse and uncalled for but I never found out what was behind it as her communicating with me cause so many problems in their relationship we had to stop.

Good luck to you!

[pacificelectric]

Thanks for your time and comments. It is funny in a way that I have more experience with colored persons than average, mainly because of professional reasons (I worked one year for an airline specialized in Africa and as court interpreter I often assist English-speaking colored persons) and I do not feel any embarrassment in that type of situation - but it is a professional contact, not private or emotional.

I have no personal knowledge of Haitians, I have never been involved with any Haitian before and it seems now pretty clear to me that the idea of my gf having been involved in the past with a colored man, regardless his nationality, prompted me to reject her right away, which I agree is a pretty ugly reaction but I have always been emotional and I don't think I could have gone on pretending that everything was fine and talk to her on the phone in the usual manner. I guess the way she cornered me into talking about my own past was a kind of detonator as I do not so much like to discuss my failed marriage at the age of 49....

To make a long story short I globally agree with, and accept most of your comments and in the light of my previous experience with a Filipina who had very openly told me about her visitors from Germany, USA, etc. and even sent me photos of her with her suitors without driving me mad I have to accept that at the moment she told me the nationality of her sole and only foreign suitor I reasoned in terms of skin color and went immediately nuts. And of course I am not proud of myself and I realize that I have some issues with regard to that, whether ethnic rejection or some type of fear or something. At least I try to be positive and will endeavour to work on it....

[Happy_Now]

This relation started pretty well six months
..........................
nicely and I certainly hurt and disappointed her but I could not resist – I felt I had to do it now and not wait any further. Thanks for reading this!

i think
you love her

you are upset and hurt

bcoz

you are jealous
sorry

[Colin]

Well its a good step that you are able now to openly talk about the issues in your life that is holding you back from another long term relationship with this woman or another one but its best to sort things out sooner rather than later so no other girl has to go through this but i commend you for your honesty..

[Jay&Zobel]

There was this famous lines I remembered back in my highschool days:


Man would like to be her first...
Woman would like to be his last...

[pacificelectric]

There was this famous lines I remembered back in my highschool days:


Man would like to be her first...
Woman would like to be his last...

I quoted it myself not so long ago on this forum!! I thought this was written by Somerset Maugham... at any rate, a great specialist of human soul!

[aromulus]

whether ethnic rejection or some type of fear or something. At least I try to be positive and will endeavour to work on it....

Very commendable, I salute you.

[pacificelectric]

Thanks, boss!!

[Jay&Zobel]

There was this famous lines I remembered back in my highschool days:


Man would like to be her first...
Woman would like to be his last...

I quoted it myself not so long ago on this forum!! I thought this was written by Somerset Maugham... at any rate, a great specialist of human soul!

Oh! I was really looking for the exact author of that quote yesterday. Thank you for the information! At least I know now, that it wasnt just one of the silly forwarded phone messages

[JoGr]

A girl you intend spending the rest of your life with telling you about her past in an honest and sincere manner? Would you prefer she didnt tell you anything? Wouldn't you become curious about a woman you want to live with, love with and die with?

I don't see what she did wrong? She seems like a really nice girl, do you have her email address? (joking)

You obviously have some issues yourself needing to be dealt with.

[Mrs.JMajor]

I don't see what she did wrong? She seems like a really nice girl, do you have her email address? (joking)

see might you lost her that quick pacificelectric

[Pepe n Pilar]

You were turned off simply because she has told you everything. Every human being has their own past relationships and it is his/her choice if she will divulge it. If you had chosen to keep something for yourself after telling her your biography then you expect her to do the same. It is now her discretion on how to say it to you, she may tell you everything you wanted to know and keep something for herself.

Is there any one that doesn't leave at least 1% for themselves and not to tell every one in the universe?

If she said yes and he said yes..... then who knows>? It is only God that knows the answer.

HOnesty is the best policy, that is a fact.... but still be discreet.

If she has past relationships with some guys of different nationalities/color/height/weight, size etc etc., should she tell every detail? She could just say it in a nice manner like she had bf's in the past which is not bad bec it only shows she knows what love is, unless otherwise.

As i've mentioned in the first post it is on how we deliver it. Choose the right words to say.

[pacificelectric]

I sent her a message of explanation and apology....

[Florge]

There was this famous lines I remembered back in my highschool days:


Man would like to be her first...
Woman would like to be his last...

I like this... can I use this in my YM status?